After a long three weeks, I am finally able to relax again.
I hadn't even realized I was so tense but today, the outlook on not having to do anything was so great(after I had done my last prelim and another annoying UPT test) that I really couldn't have been bothered to do anything productive.
I fulfilled my mission and I have to say that this is one of the best Fridays I have had lately.
I've been doing a lot of thinking again lately. And once again, I'm going in circles.
All progress I have been making is nullified. I'm not really sure how to feel about it.
It definitely has increased the amount of weird conversations I am having in my head.
Luckily, I am a pessimist. Especially when it comes to myself.
It's funny that sometimes, when writing into that tiny little diary I have, I am sad, because there is no accurate way to describe my day(or I was saving one or another page for some special day or something) and then there are days, where the descriptions are so amazingly accurate that it brings a smile on your face.
It is nice to be hugged back.
It is also nice to find out that I actually have emotions. I've been always scared that people might take me as an emotionless person, partly, because I felt like one and partly, because I really wasn't one to show my emotions(at least when it didn't came to bullying). I'm really grateful knowing that I'll easily burst into tears when reading about an abused Harry Potter and an equally abused Sirius helping each other heal.
I also now know that Mokona is an incredibly nice plushie to hug, especially when your mood changes from content to melancholic.
Note to self: Practice slapping.
I've grown distant, yet I have no problem pouring out my problems to people who have yet to betray my trust.I'm being an extra bitch for pouring out problems that actually are self-made whilst the people listening me out have problems.
I'm of no use to this world.
The whole week I have been debating on whether I am a good person or not. The concept of me being a bad person definitely wins.
I used up all my motivation to study biology. This might turn into a slight problem for I still have stuff to get done with.
I've had numerous ideas what to write down, but I think I won't be starting with that before the winter holidays. And if anything decent happens to be put down in Word, I'll make sure I'll post it here.
I think the good luck hair tie helped. At least I got all my stuff I wanted to do done and perhaps I have a chance of getting a decent amount of points in biology. Which would be an unexpected Christmas blessing.
Who the hell wishes you merry Christmas about 11 days early?
An aspiring writer should write as much as they read...oh well, there goes that plan.
If all goes wrong, I still have plan B.
Why not legalize assassins? I think the country would get a decent sum for the taxes they pay.
Then again, when have I ever come up with a good idea?
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Russian Roulette
For once, I discovered something about myself thanks to the meetup with the school psychologist.
I think that's a first.
I can't talk about my problems, because when I start talking about them, I start to cry as well. But when I start crying, I can't talk. I love the simple logic behind this one.
Today I finally could talk about things that have been on my mind for some time, but which I haven't said out loud because I don't necessarily feel like ruining any remnants of something which happened a long time ago.
It wouldn't be beneficial to me and only the other party would get hurt. Or so I'd like to think.
I've also discovered the yin yang in action and this has left me with feelings of gratitude I hope to be able to express today. Something tells me I won't, but in these cases, it's really the thought that matters.
I'm slightly disliking the person I was today and I will try to change that.Just a little bit will help.
I'm probably jinxing it with this sentence, but I think I'm making slow progress and for some reason, this comforts me.
Though I'm going to be seriously upset.(Why did I write that? Oh well)
The thing I want to do the most at the moment is curl up somewhere warm and sleep. I'm emotionally exhausted and I don't think I'm completely done with it for the day, because for a while, the urge to cry has been lingering about. So let's see what Fate has prepared for me, hm?
Also, this post is sort of meant simply to write out some of the feelings or confusion or decisions I have been feeling/have made. And to let you know that I'm still not over my teenage problems.
Monday playlists are fun,
H.
I think that's a first.
I can't talk about my problems, because when I start talking about them, I start to cry as well. But when I start crying, I can't talk. I love the simple logic behind this one.
Today I finally could talk about things that have been on my mind for some time, but which I haven't said out loud because I don't necessarily feel like ruining any remnants of something which happened a long time ago.
It wouldn't be beneficial to me and only the other party would get hurt. Or so I'd like to think.
I've also discovered the yin yang in action and this has left me with feelings of gratitude I hope to be able to express today. Something tells me I won't, but in these cases, it's really the thought that matters.
I'm slightly disliking the person I was today and I will try to change that.Just a little bit will help.
I'm probably jinxing it with this sentence, but I think I'm making slow progress and for some reason, this comforts me.
Though I'm going to be seriously upset.(Why did I write that? Oh well)
The thing I want to do the most at the moment is curl up somewhere warm and sleep. I'm emotionally exhausted and I don't think I'm completely done with it for the day, because for a while, the urge to cry has been lingering about. So let's see what Fate has prepared for me, hm?
Also, this post is sort of meant simply to write out some of the feelings or confusion or decisions I have been feeling/have made. And to let you know that I'm still not over my teenage problems.
Monday playlists are fun,
H.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Happiness is like glass.
In the streets of an incredibly grey town, there was a tiny dusty shop.
The shop in itself was not remarkable at all, it got just enough customers to get by, but what was remarkable, was the girl living in the shop window.
Yes.
A girl living in a shop window.
No one noticed her, not even the shop keeper himself, for they were all far too busy with their lives.
The girl felt very saddened because of this. She would spend her days looking at the people, watching them live their lives, longing for one for herself.
She could not leave the shop.
That was the only thing she knew. She didn't know how she had gotten there, she didn't know why she was there, she didn't know why she could not leave the shop.
But something told her, that if she left the shop, something terrible would happen.
So she did not leave the shop. She satisfied her needs at night, when the shop keeper was upstairs, sleeping.
She would walk around the little shop for hours, just observe the trinkets it sold, play with them, find out what they were made for.
Then, after she got tired from playing, she would curl up in her corner in the shop window and sleep, until the town was woken again, clustering with people trying to get to work.
That's how years had passed in her life.
That's how years were going to pass as well.
Except...that one time.
That one time she got noticed.
It was an usual day, perhaps more grey, but that was it really. It was just another day like all the others.
She had just busied her mind with imagining whether she would use a rain coat or an umbrella to deal with the rain(she had already worked the more important matters out as she had had a lot of time already in that world), when she suddenly noticed a small boy standing in front of the shop window.
Assuming that he was focusing on the goods the shop sold, she moved herself slightly so that she wouldn't be in the way. But they boy's eyes followed her movement. She froze.
Could it be?
Had someone finally taken notice of her?
Her heart was about to explode from happiness, but the boy turned his eyes back on the street and walked away.
That was the first time the girl cried.
The next day, he was there again.
This time, the boy stood for a much much longer time. A good half an hour passed before he left.
Although there had been no words exchanged, she somehow knew that he would come back. And it made the girl happy that she was so certain of it.
As predicted, he was there on the next day. Again, no words were exchanged, but the girl find herself growing closer to the boy and she was sure the boy felt the same way. He kept coming every single day, no matter what the weather was like, just to look at her for half an hour, before leaving again.
It continued on for almost half a year. Suddenly, the girl grew tired of her usual nightly plays with the objects of the shop. Her dreams of living a life like a normal person intensified, so when she did not find herself looking forward to the boy's next visit, she dreamt what it was like to be living as one of the acquaintances of the boy.
Perhaps they would be classmates. Perhaps they would be neighbours.
She played through every scenario she could imagine, combining them, weaving together all sorts of fairy tales.
But one morning, the boy did not show up.
At first, she was not worried, she had been expecting it. It was impossible for him to show up every day after all. she had watched people often enough to know that sooner or later, they would break their routine.
Maybe he had gotten bored of her.
The thought of it made her heart ache. But she decided she would wait. She would wait to see whether he returned or not.
She waited for days.
She waiter for months.
She waited for years.
With every passing minute, her desire to leave the shop became stronger. With every passing day her hope to see the boy grew smaller. Yet, she firmly stuck to her decision to wait.
One day, when she was napping, the bell of the shop rang. It was lunch time, a time when the shop never had customers and the sound startled the girl. She tried to peek at the customer, but he had already passed the window, so she could only see his back.
He was tall and lean, but she could tell that he wasn't exactly an adult yet.
"Welcome," the old shopkeeper breathed out. Lately the girl had noticed that his movements had become slower and he seemed weaker by the day. "What can I do for you?"
"I would like to purchase the doll on the windowsill." The young man said and the girl found she had never heard someone more pleasant than him. The shopkeeper adjusted his glasses with his shaky hand.
"Doll?" He questioned and the girl could imagine his face scrunching up in an attempt to remember. "Ah yes, there certainly was a doll. I had almost forgotten."
She could hear shuffling and then the face of the shopkeeper appeared above her. Suddenly, she realized, that she was much much smaller than she had thought. Her heart suddenly began to beat excitedly. What was going on?
The shopkeeper grabbed her gently and raised her up. "I thought they wanted a doll?" She questioned herself. She was brought to the counter and set down. Forgetting her question, she eagerly observed the face of the customer while the shopkeeper named a sum.
The young man had very dark hair, almost as dark as her own and very pretty blue eyes. The eyes seemed very familiar to her. Very, very familiar.
"Would you like me to pack her?" The old man asked before coughing once. The young man politely decline and she felt herself being raised up again and this time, she was set into the coat pocket of the customer. The two bid each other goodbye and then the customer left outside.
It took her about 3 seconds to realized that this was the first time she had left the shop. She was finally outside! She wanted to laugh and to cry and she suddenly found herself immobilized. No matter what she wanted to do, she couldn't move. The thought scared her, but not as much as should have.
For some reason, it seemed natural.
The young man didn't walk far; the trip took about ten minutes. They arrived at a nice little house with light walls, just like the every other house on the street. Whilst stepping inside, the boy called out that he was back and he was welcomed by an elderly woman.
They talked a little bit and then the boy made his way upstairs until they were finally what she presumed was his room.
She was picked up again and set down on the desk. After taking off his coat, he sat down by the desk and rested his head on his hands, simply staring at her with his blue eyes.
"I finally got you, I'm sorry you had to wait so long." He said and that was when she finally started figuring things out.
She was a doll.How could she have forgotten that? How was that possible? Of course she was a doll. That's why she was in that shop in the first place. She was a pretty doll and she was supposed to make people look at the shop.
And these blue eyes belonged to the little boy who had noticed her so long ago. The boy she wanted to spend time with, the boy whom she could never be with, because she was not human.
But she was here, in his care and that was all she needed.
The shop in itself was not remarkable at all, it got just enough customers to get by, but what was remarkable, was the girl living in the shop window.
Yes.
A girl living in a shop window.
No one noticed her, not even the shop keeper himself, for they were all far too busy with their lives.
The girl felt very saddened because of this. She would spend her days looking at the people, watching them live their lives, longing for one for herself.
She could not leave the shop.
That was the only thing she knew. She didn't know how she had gotten there, she didn't know why she was there, she didn't know why she could not leave the shop.
But something told her, that if she left the shop, something terrible would happen.
So she did not leave the shop. She satisfied her needs at night, when the shop keeper was upstairs, sleeping.
She would walk around the little shop for hours, just observe the trinkets it sold, play with them, find out what they were made for.
Then, after she got tired from playing, she would curl up in her corner in the shop window and sleep, until the town was woken again, clustering with people trying to get to work.
That's how years had passed in her life.
That's how years were going to pass as well.
Except...that one time.
That one time she got noticed.
It was an usual day, perhaps more grey, but that was it really. It was just another day like all the others.
She had just busied her mind with imagining whether she would use a rain coat or an umbrella to deal with the rain(she had already worked the more important matters out as she had had a lot of time already in that world), when she suddenly noticed a small boy standing in front of the shop window.
Assuming that he was focusing on the goods the shop sold, she moved herself slightly so that she wouldn't be in the way. But they boy's eyes followed her movement. She froze.
Could it be?
Had someone finally taken notice of her?
Her heart was about to explode from happiness, but the boy turned his eyes back on the street and walked away.
That was the first time the girl cried.
The next day, he was there again.
This time, the boy stood for a much much longer time. A good half an hour passed before he left.
Although there had been no words exchanged, she somehow knew that he would come back. And it made the girl happy that she was so certain of it.
As predicted, he was there on the next day. Again, no words were exchanged, but the girl find herself growing closer to the boy and she was sure the boy felt the same way. He kept coming every single day, no matter what the weather was like, just to look at her for half an hour, before leaving again.
It continued on for almost half a year. Suddenly, the girl grew tired of her usual nightly plays with the objects of the shop. Her dreams of living a life like a normal person intensified, so when she did not find herself looking forward to the boy's next visit, she dreamt what it was like to be living as one of the acquaintances of the boy.
Perhaps they would be classmates. Perhaps they would be neighbours.
She played through every scenario she could imagine, combining them, weaving together all sorts of fairy tales.
But one morning, the boy did not show up.
At first, she was not worried, she had been expecting it. It was impossible for him to show up every day after all. she had watched people often enough to know that sooner or later, they would break their routine.
Maybe he had gotten bored of her.
The thought of it made her heart ache. But she decided she would wait. She would wait to see whether he returned or not.
She waited for days.
She waiter for months.
She waited for years.
With every passing minute, her desire to leave the shop became stronger. With every passing day her hope to see the boy grew smaller. Yet, she firmly stuck to her decision to wait.
One day, when she was napping, the bell of the shop rang. It was lunch time, a time when the shop never had customers and the sound startled the girl. She tried to peek at the customer, but he had already passed the window, so she could only see his back.
He was tall and lean, but she could tell that he wasn't exactly an adult yet.
"Welcome," the old shopkeeper breathed out. Lately the girl had noticed that his movements had become slower and he seemed weaker by the day. "What can I do for you?"
"I would like to purchase the doll on the windowsill." The young man said and the girl found she had never heard someone more pleasant than him. The shopkeeper adjusted his glasses with his shaky hand.
"Doll?" He questioned and the girl could imagine his face scrunching up in an attempt to remember. "Ah yes, there certainly was a doll. I had almost forgotten."
She could hear shuffling and then the face of the shopkeeper appeared above her. Suddenly, she realized, that she was much much smaller than she had thought. Her heart suddenly began to beat excitedly. What was going on?
The shopkeeper grabbed her gently and raised her up. "I thought they wanted a doll?" She questioned herself. She was brought to the counter and set down. Forgetting her question, she eagerly observed the face of the customer while the shopkeeper named a sum.
The young man had very dark hair, almost as dark as her own and very pretty blue eyes. The eyes seemed very familiar to her. Very, very familiar.
"Would you like me to pack her?" The old man asked before coughing once. The young man politely decline and she felt herself being raised up again and this time, she was set into the coat pocket of the customer. The two bid each other goodbye and then the customer left outside.
It took her about 3 seconds to realized that this was the first time she had left the shop. She was finally outside! She wanted to laugh and to cry and she suddenly found herself immobilized. No matter what she wanted to do, she couldn't move. The thought scared her, but not as much as should have.
For some reason, it seemed natural.
The young man didn't walk far; the trip took about ten minutes. They arrived at a nice little house with light walls, just like the every other house on the street. Whilst stepping inside, the boy called out that he was back and he was welcomed by an elderly woman.
They talked a little bit and then the boy made his way upstairs until they were finally what she presumed was his room.
She was picked up again and set down on the desk. After taking off his coat, he sat down by the desk and rested his head on his hands, simply staring at her with his blue eyes.
"I finally got you, I'm sorry you had to wait so long." He said and that was when she finally started figuring things out.
She was a doll.How could she have forgotten that? How was that possible? Of course she was a doll. That's why she was in that shop in the first place. She was a pretty doll and she was supposed to make people look at the shop.
And these blue eyes belonged to the little boy who had noticed her so long ago. The boy she wanted to spend time with, the boy whom she could never be with, because she was not human.
But she was here, in his care and that was all she needed.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Irony irony
I haven't been writing for ages and my creativity has gone on vacation, so it'll be a while before I'll actually manage to write something proper down. So for now, one shall satisfy themselves with rants of the shallow kind.
I finished Neon Genesis Evangelion today. The last two episodes were kind of confusing. Episode 24 was really awesome though. But that's because of the slight yaoi undertone. Oh well. At least I have done so and know what Neon Genesis Evangelion is. I'm not even sure whether I liked it or not, because in the end, it didn't explain anything.
So what have I been doing lately? The usual routine of school and practice and other at the moment important occasions (like finding a dress for the school ball. Not that I actually have someone to go there with but pfft, who cares.). But hey, I've been more or less enjoying myself. I think.
I also visited the school's psychologist and did a fun test on personality traits and what not. Basically, I managed to collect a lot of points or actually enough points, that I need to work on getting to know myself better so I'll keep visiting the school psychologist. Yay for therapy.
Heightened sense of smell. Nuff said.
I saw a weird dreams yesterday and a weird dream today. It is possible to talk about one of them, the other on simply caused a very strong sense of hug deprivation. And I felt also very violent. Two emotions that shouldn't mix.
I once again decided to do something stupid.
I am afraid to see you face to face,
H.
I finished Neon Genesis Evangelion today. The last two episodes were kind of confusing. Episode 24 was really awesome though. But that's because of the slight yaoi undertone. Oh well. At least I have done so and know what Neon Genesis Evangelion is. I'm not even sure whether I liked it or not, because in the end, it didn't explain anything.
So what have I been doing lately? The usual routine of school and practice and other at the moment important occasions (like finding a dress for the school ball. Not that I actually have someone to go there with but pfft, who cares.). But hey, I've been more or less enjoying myself. I think.
I also visited the school's psychologist and did a fun test on personality traits and what not. Basically, I managed to collect a lot of points or actually enough points, that I need to work on getting to know myself better so I'll keep visiting the school psychologist. Yay for therapy.
Heightened sense of smell. Nuff said.
I saw a weird dreams yesterday and a weird dream today. It is possible to talk about one of them, the other on simply caused a very strong sense of hug deprivation. And I felt also very violent. Two emotions that shouldn't mix.
I once again decided to do something stupid.
I am afraid to see you face to face,
H.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Polish your act.
"I can't do it." Tears poured from her eyes as she struggled to free herself once again from the two faceless figures that were keeping her at bay.
"I want to hate, I want to loathe, I want to hurt. I simply can't bear it anymore." She whispered lowering her head, the red hair covering her face. As if trying to oppose her, her double brushed away her own brown hair.
"Shh, darling, it's all right." Her counterpart shushed her and placed a finger on her lips. "You can do it. I know you can. Calm down, sleep on it." The twin's struggling seemed to intensify.
"I can't fight it anymore. It's long out of my control." She argued back. Her counterpart brushed some of the red hair out of the girl's eyes. The clone's hand stopped and rested on her cheek.
"Remember what I told you all those months ago?" She asked softly from her creator. The red head nodded slowly.
"Put your emotions into your act. Don't let the act slip, use your emotions to strengthen it." The brunette stated once again. She then hugged the red head. "I'm always there for you, remember that. Good night darling." She said and then her creator, calmed down for the moment, was gone.
Daniel, who had been present the whole time, decided to make himself audible.
"Is she all right?" He asked, but there was no way to tell whether he was concerned or not. The brunette pulled her wig off, revealing the snow white hair underneath it. Chiaki rubbed her temples.
"It feels like Lulu must feel when he is dealing with her." She said sighing. Daniel let a little smile show. Perhaps the situation wasn't as bad as he had thought.
"So she's still like that?" He inquired curiously. "I think it's getting worse. I'm afraid that she'll break if she doesn't stop." Daniel let out a sad laugh at that.
"Isn't she already broken?" Chiaki shrugged her shoulders at the question.
"She might as well be. But she is still able to smile from the heart." The white haired girl pointed out.
"Then there still might be some hope. Not only for her, but for us as well." Daniel mused.
"I want to hate, I want to loathe, I want to hurt. I simply can't bear it anymore." She whispered lowering her head, the red hair covering her face. As if trying to oppose her, her double brushed away her own brown hair.
"Shh, darling, it's all right." Her counterpart shushed her and placed a finger on her lips. "You can do it. I know you can. Calm down, sleep on it." The twin's struggling seemed to intensify.
"I can't fight it anymore. It's long out of my control." She argued back. Her counterpart brushed some of the red hair out of the girl's eyes. The clone's hand stopped and rested on her cheek.
"Remember what I told you all those months ago?" She asked softly from her creator. The red head nodded slowly.
"Put your emotions into your act. Don't let the act slip, use your emotions to strengthen it." The brunette stated once again. She then hugged the red head. "I'm always there for you, remember that. Good night darling." She said and then her creator, calmed down for the moment, was gone.
Daniel, who had been present the whole time, decided to make himself audible.
"Is she all right?" He asked, but there was no way to tell whether he was concerned or not. The brunette pulled her wig off, revealing the snow white hair underneath it. Chiaki rubbed her temples.
"It feels like Lulu must feel when he is dealing with her." She said sighing. Daniel let a little smile show. Perhaps the situation wasn't as bad as he had thought.
"So she's still like that?" He inquired curiously. "I think it's getting worse. I'm afraid that she'll break if she doesn't stop." Daniel let out a sad laugh at that.
"Isn't she already broken?" Chiaki shrugged her shoulders at the question.
"She might as well be. But she is still able to smile from the heart." The white haired girl pointed out.
"Then there still might be some hope. Not only for her, but for us as well." Daniel mused.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
In a parallel universe
In a parallel universe, I sighed of relief when I found out you weren't going anywhere.
In a parallel universe, I cried a lot because of it.
In a parallel universe, I broke down when I saw you two so happy in the café.
In a parallel universe, I never started wearing that red thread.
In a parallel universe, you never told me whom you liked at the hazing.
In a parallel universe, you get annoyed because I call you by your second given name.
In a parallel universe, I never realized I was weird.
In a parallel universe, I never left Germany.
In a parallel universe, I never adjusted to Estonia.
In a parallel universe, I dislike chocolate.
In a parallel universe, I am more emotionally stable.
In a parallel universe, I didn't tell you how I felt.
In a parallel universe, life kept moving on anyway.
In a parallel universe, I never went to art school.
In a parallel universe, I am less self-centered.
In a parallel universe, I yelled at you when I wanted to.
In a parallel universe, you had the guts to break it off yourself.
In a parallel universe, you were there.
In a parallel universe, we didn't win the hazing.
In a parallel universe, I didn't attend in the first place.
In a parallel universe, I am not Lulu obsessed.
In a parallel universe, I didn't burn those cookies.
In a parallel universe, I don't know of Daniel's existence.
In a parallel universe, I don't find comfort in writing this blog.
In a parallel universe, I never met you all.
In a parallel universe, I cried a lot because of it.
In a parallel universe, I broke down when I saw you two so happy in the café.
In a parallel universe, I never started wearing that red thread.
In a parallel universe, you never told me whom you liked at the hazing.
In a parallel universe, you get annoyed because I call you by your second given name.
In a parallel universe, I never realized I was weird.
In a parallel universe, I never left Germany.
In a parallel universe, I never adjusted to Estonia.
In a parallel universe, I dislike chocolate.
In a parallel universe, I am more emotionally stable.
In a parallel universe, I didn't tell you how I felt.
In a parallel universe, life kept moving on anyway.
In a parallel universe, I never went to art school.
In a parallel universe, I am less self-centered.
In a parallel universe, I yelled at you when I wanted to.
In a parallel universe, you had the guts to break it off yourself.
In a parallel universe, you were there.
In a parallel universe, we didn't win the hazing.
In a parallel universe, I didn't attend in the first place.
In a parallel universe, I am not Lulu obsessed.
In a parallel universe, I didn't burn those cookies.
In a parallel universe, I don't know of Daniel's existence.
In a parallel universe, I don't find comfort in writing this blog.
In a parallel universe, I never met you all.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Of shady Shadows and sunny Sunshines.
With the sub-titles:
Once again I am taking part of a RPG forum. Like most of those I have participated in, it is lead by people I know(meaning sb I know and myself as well). It is kind of lonely with only the three of us, but promises have been made. I should be baking brownies at the moment(according to my vision of today last week at least).
I have once again hurled myself into mass confusion and emotional instability. I didn't realize what I had done after I had reread probably the most depressing letter I have ever written and I hate myself for betraying myself and hurting myself in such a stupid way(aka I should've read this letter before deciding stuff). At the moment I am not pissed nor sad(the score is 2:8 with Transparent in the lead though. Within the span of a week.). But the fact that I at one point simply wanted to beat everyone in the room bloody with a stick does hint at the fact that I might become less tolerant of people or am simply not in control of my emotions anymore. Yay for hysterical breakdowns in front of people.
I've been having breakdowns a lot lately(surprise,surprise) but I might have to say that the worst was when the Dutch arrived. I am taking part of a exchange project where people from the Netherlands came here and will stay for a week and then during the Spring vacation, we shall visit them as well. Second Day and I couldn't help but break down in front of the girl I was hosting. And the reason is rather selfish as well. The girl I am housing at the moment is rather quiet. I knew it from the beginning but I for some reason started to hope a few days before when she started sending me e-mails that it won't be that bad. Oh well, there they went. My expectations crushed and thrown away into some can. She was very quiet. Although I have been working out more tolerance for silence. I simply can't help it when there is literally nothing she wants to do. If I suggest something, she'll accept it, but I haven't got the slightest idea whether she actually likes it or is simply bored. She doesn't socialize with the others at all and I can't help but feel that it puts pressure on me as well.
On Saturday(They arrived on Friday afternoon), I simply couldn't help it anymore and went to the kitchen to cry myself out. Hah, as if that was possible. Although my mother tried to comfort me, there wasn't enough time and my father barged in, wanting me to show her pictures I had never even seen before. Not done crying I went into the living room. I stayed there for about half a minute before going into a full blown "Yay ,let's cry me heart out" session during which I had to leave the apartment. At least I have now almost told my mum everything that has been bugging me. (Only some nice mentions about some really 'pleasant' Wednesdays are still left untold. Anyone who gets the reference say Aye!).
Now I have been able to cope more nicely with her and everything seems all flowers except that I get these arbitrary urges to destroy everything. Note to self: Stop repressing your anger once the Dutch have left. It'll be much less scandalous if you have assaulted someone not foreign.
Fresh rants off of my mind, I shall continue with older rants. I've been meaning to write at least three stories here but haven't managed to since lousy time management. Time has been a funny thing anyways lately with me barely managing to do anything at all with the time I've got(Except baking and making pictures. What the hell.). So I shall promise here and now that they will at one point here(Two of them surely. Not sure about the third/first one). Also, anime,anime,anime...
Obviously I have managed to write close to nothing at all, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have thought up a lot of titles. Curses for not writing them down!(Note to self: Acquire another small notebook which to stuff into your pocket so that you will always have a writing down option ready. Or get yourself a man jacket. Look up term for man jacket.)
Also, at one point during the beginning of the school year, I got this funny little red book called Keel's diary(I probably mentioned it.). I am really amused at the suggestions and it even has a very 'talented' sktech of me in ten years. Pfft.
I am trying to become Beier and if the pun behind Carebear is still not obvious, then people simply don't get my irony,
H.
P.S: Ouch. OUUUUUCH!
- Time, there is none
- Anger management
- Why don't I write down all those blog titles that pop into my head
- Keel's simple diary
Once again I am taking part of a RPG forum. Like most of those I have participated in, it is lead by people I know(meaning sb I know and myself as well). It is kind of lonely with only the three of us, but promises have been made. I should be baking brownies at the moment(according to my vision of today last week at least).
I have once again hurled myself into mass confusion and emotional instability. I didn't realize what I had done after I had reread probably the most depressing letter I have ever written and I hate myself for betraying myself and hurting myself in such a stupid way(aka I should've read this letter before deciding stuff). At the moment I am not pissed nor sad(the score is 2:8 with Transparent in the lead though. Within the span of a week.). But the fact that I at one point simply wanted to beat everyone in the room bloody with a stick does hint at the fact that I might become less tolerant of people or am simply not in control of my emotions anymore. Yay for hysterical breakdowns in front of people.
I've been having breakdowns a lot lately(surprise,surprise) but I might have to say that the worst was when the Dutch arrived. I am taking part of a exchange project where people from the Netherlands came here and will stay for a week and then during the Spring vacation, we shall visit them as well. Second Day and I couldn't help but break down in front of the girl I was hosting. And the reason is rather selfish as well. The girl I am housing at the moment is rather quiet. I knew it from the beginning but I for some reason started to hope a few days before when she started sending me e-mails that it won't be that bad. Oh well, there they went. My expectations crushed and thrown away into some can. She was very quiet. Although I have been working out more tolerance for silence. I simply can't help it when there is literally nothing she wants to do. If I suggest something, she'll accept it, but I haven't got the slightest idea whether she actually likes it or is simply bored. She doesn't socialize with the others at all and I can't help but feel that it puts pressure on me as well.
On Saturday(They arrived on Friday afternoon), I simply couldn't help it anymore and went to the kitchen to cry myself out. Hah, as if that was possible. Although my mother tried to comfort me, there wasn't enough time and my father barged in, wanting me to show her pictures I had never even seen before. Not done crying I went into the living room. I stayed there for about half a minute before going into a full blown "Yay ,let's cry me heart out" session during which I had to leave the apartment. At least I have now almost told my mum everything that has been bugging me. (Only some nice mentions about some really 'pleasant' Wednesdays are still left untold. Anyone who gets the reference say Aye!).
Now I have been able to cope more nicely with her and everything seems all flowers except that I get these arbitrary urges to destroy everything. Note to self: Stop repressing your anger once the Dutch have left. It'll be much less scandalous if you have assaulted someone not foreign.
Fresh rants off of my mind, I shall continue with older rants. I've been meaning to write at least three stories here but haven't managed to since lousy time management. Time has been a funny thing anyways lately with me barely managing to do anything at all with the time I've got(Except baking and making pictures. What the hell.). So I shall promise here and now that they will at one point here(Two of them surely. Not sure about the third/first one). Also, anime,anime,anime...
Obviously I have managed to write close to nothing at all, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have thought up a lot of titles. Curses for not writing them down!(Note to self: Acquire another small notebook which to stuff into your pocket so that you will always have a writing down option ready. Or get yourself a man jacket. Look up term for man jacket.)
Also, at one point during the beginning of the school year, I got this funny little red book called Keel's diary(I probably mentioned it.). I am really amused at the suggestions and it even has a very 'talented' sktech of me in ten years. Pfft.
I am trying to become Beier and if the pun behind Carebear is still not obvious, then people simply don't get my irony,
H.
P.S: Ouch. OUUUUUCH!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
BlackWhite Coat.
She absolutely despised the coat he was wearing.
It was nothing special, just an unusually black coat and she loathed it. Nothing was able to stain the thing and it unnerved her. She wasn't sure why though. She just knew she had to do something about it.
Her chance came on a cloudy Friday afternoon. She was worried, that he would show up with something else instead, but he appeared exactly at quarter to eight, wearing the coat rather neatly. She was so pleased she couldn't stop smiling until they had reached the school.
They were walking home together, through a nice park they both were fond of and which didn't stray too much from their way home. The stroll passed as usually, with the two of them discussing various things and generally chatting about life, the only thing that perhaps would have given away her plan was that she was eyeing the coat more often than usually.
"Well, that's the spot. See you," He said when they had reached the gates of the park, the spot they usually parted at. It seemed he was hesitant about leaving, as if he had something to say, but he turned away, probably deciding to leave it for tomorrow.
She tapped him lightly on the shoulder and he spun around. Before he could react, she jabbed the knife into his body.
"Goodbye," she whispered with the most sincere smile on her face. She saw something flash in his eyes, but she had no idea what it was. It was an emotion unknown to her.
She expected him to scream, but he didn't. Instead, he collapsed on the ground, making it easier for her to strike. So before he could start, she pulled her knife out with great force and slit the throat with all she had. She jammed the knife ruthlessly into his windpipe.
When she tried to retract it, it got stuck for a moment, but she simply crushed part of his neck with a well aimed kick. By now, his desperate attempts to get her away from him had faded into mere occasional twitches. So she focused on finding the parts of his body which would cause a huge blood bath.
Several hours later, she returned to her apartment, the black, now finally stained coat on her arms, her own white coat covered in dark red blotches, which once used to be fresh, crimson red blood. She washed both of them and hanged them to dry.
Later on, she fixed the rips she had created into the coat and then hanged it nicely on the coat rack, the coat now black with a reddish undertone.
She never hated black coats again.
Everyone liked the pink colour her own coat had taken on and were all very curious to find out how she had managed to get such an interesting shade with colour dyes.
It was nothing special, just an unusually black coat and she loathed it. Nothing was able to stain the thing and it unnerved her. She wasn't sure why though. She just knew she had to do something about it.
Her chance came on a cloudy Friday afternoon. She was worried, that he would show up with something else instead, but he appeared exactly at quarter to eight, wearing the coat rather neatly. She was so pleased she couldn't stop smiling until they had reached the school.
They were walking home together, through a nice park they both were fond of and which didn't stray too much from their way home. The stroll passed as usually, with the two of them discussing various things and generally chatting about life, the only thing that perhaps would have given away her plan was that she was eyeing the coat more often than usually.
"Well, that's the spot. See you," He said when they had reached the gates of the park, the spot they usually parted at. It seemed he was hesitant about leaving, as if he had something to say, but he turned away, probably deciding to leave it for tomorrow.
She tapped him lightly on the shoulder and he spun around. Before he could react, she jabbed the knife into his body.
"Goodbye," she whispered with the most sincere smile on her face. She saw something flash in his eyes, but she had no idea what it was. It was an emotion unknown to her.
She expected him to scream, but he didn't. Instead, he collapsed on the ground, making it easier for her to strike. So before he could start, she pulled her knife out with great force and slit the throat with all she had. She jammed the knife ruthlessly into his windpipe.
When she tried to retract it, it got stuck for a moment, but she simply crushed part of his neck with a well aimed kick. By now, his desperate attempts to get her away from him had faded into mere occasional twitches. So she focused on finding the parts of his body which would cause a huge blood bath.
Several hours later, she returned to her apartment, the black, now finally stained coat on her arms, her own white coat covered in dark red blotches, which once used to be fresh, crimson red blood. She washed both of them and hanged them to dry.
Later on, she fixed the rips she had created into the coat and then hanged it nicely on the coat rack, the coat now black with a reddish undertone.
She never hated black coats again.
Everyone liked the pink colour her own coat had taken on and were all very curious to find out how she had managed to get such an interesting shade with colour dyes.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Let's play up.
I am officially done with trusting people besides my family.
Yes, me, it's about time you shut your mouth and learn that in the end, the only one who understand you is yourself.
So stop getting your hopes up.
I have started way too early with listening to songs I haven't listened to in a while. I think my first Vocaloid fangirlings happened in November and October, so it is currently much too early to start listening to "Disappearance of Hatsune Miku". Although it was nice and left a message behind: Mada utaitai.
Not that anyone would realize what that means.
In addition, my favourite Vocaloid is Megurine Luka.
It's amazing how many times I have wanted to write a post because I felt horrible at that moment. I never got to it though. I guess now's the time. And this time, I'm just tired of caring.
Although a classmate of mine successfully proved his point that I do care.
Lately I've been taking pictures of the clouds a lot. Every time I get this weird sensation that I might look really weird to bystanders and try to imagine what I look like to others. Then again, I've been trying to always imagine what I must look like to others and gotten severely hurt at times when I don't.
Oh well, tomorrow will be a Monday. Let's look forward to that, hm?
I shall be continuing on with this annoying happiness-sadness routine,
Henshin Oujisama.
Yes, me, it's about time you shut your mouth and learn that in the end, the only one who understand you is yourself.
So stop getting your hopes up.
I have started way too early with listening to songs I haven't listened to in a while. I think my first Vocaloid fangirlings happened in November and October, so it is currently much too early to start listening to "Disappearance of Hatsune Miku". Although it was nice and left a message behind: Mada utaitai.
Not that anyone would realize what that means.
In addition, my favourite Vocaloid is Megurine Luka.
It's amazing how many times I have wanted to write a post because I felt horrible at that moment. I never got to it though. I guess now's the time. And this time, I'm just tired of caring.
Although a classmate of mine successfully proved his point that I do care.
Lately I've been taking pictures of the clouds a lot. Every time I get this weird sensation that I might look really weird to bystanders and try to imagine what I look like to others. Then again, I've been trying to always imagine what I must look like to others and gotten severely hurt at times when I don't.
Oh well, tomorrow will be a Monday. Let's look forward to that, hm?
I shall be continuing on with this annoying happiness-sadness routine,
Henshin Oujisama.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Just a not so public outcry.
Hello?
We are lost.
How do you get unlost?
We are emotionally unstable.
We don't like this.
We want concern, we want attention, but we don't want it from the people we care about the most.
We don't want to worry them.
It's been long since we stopped entrusting things to them, for the sake of them not having to worry.
So stop this insanity?
We are lost.
How do you get unlost?
We are emotionally unstable.
We don't like this.
We want concern, we want attention, but we don't want it from the people we care about the most.
We don't want to worry them.
It's been long since we stopped entrusting things to them, for the sake of them not having to worry.
So stop this insanity?
Monday, September 3, 2012
The Fool.
With the sub-titles:
It didn't even start out all that bad. I didn't have an head ache until english class I believe. Well, that means about two hours of peace, but hey, that's more than I have had for the last three days. Yeah, writing this post probably does nothing to help, but I figured that I could at least do this before going off to sleep. Although Tammsaare is waiting as well.
So well, after getting a head ache, it was still all flowers and stuff because I actually managed to write something down during art class(read: 3 pages full of...stuff. Which I am supposed to know by tomorrow). And afterwards was Maths, which was fairly entertaining as well. I'm not going to go into details with that.
But then things started to turn bad. Well, it was kinda nice to see some people earlier than expected but to then suddenly drop this bombshell on me...I should've known. Someone should've warned me. But no, that's not how the world works(unless, for some bizarre reason the world is still not against me and this was possibly I chance I should have considered but pfft, screw unreasonability, I shall get married to Kai and Lulu and possibly a lot of other anime characters while I am at it, because I need a harem. Yes, I need one.).
So yeah, after that I was nicely shaken and have been doing the occasional crying every now and then. But I'm not sure whether it is because of my emotions and things or because my head hurts. Usually, it is a mix of those two.
And now, after a twelve minute phone conversation and an incredibly weird Vocaloid song, I feel like I am out of things to say. I hope tomorrow won't be like this. There is no way it would be, but well, I got myself enough material for today to get extremely sad or angry again. I'd prefer sleeping, but I know that is not how things work. If I was a poet, I would create a poem for depressive things like this, but alas, I shall satisfy myself by listening to Vocaloid songs, from which 2/3 are sad and involve murder anyway.(Which reminds me of an amusing thought, but I'd better not state it, for the sake of my own safety and perhaps even sanity.)
I appear to have lost my mind again, because I have named a blogpost after a Tarot card. Not only that, but I have a story involving Tarot cards as well. It is probably one of the most thought out, yet I have written out one chapter. I think the only story that can beat The Fool is Himitsu. And that was some seriously copycat stuff.
Wouldn't it be nice to scream so loudly, that your head explodes and your guts splatter all around your now lifeless body?
Meow,
H.
- Headaches are incredibly fun.
- I wish they'd all just die.
- How is it possible to ruin a day just like that?
It didn't even start out all that bad. I didn't have an head ache until english class I believe. Well, that means about two hours of peace, but hey, that's more than I have had for the last three days. Yeah, writing this post probably does nothing to help, but I figured that I could at least do this before going off to sleep. Although Tammsaare is waiting as well.
So well, after getting a head ache, it was still all flowers and stuff because I actually managed to write something down during art class(read: 3 pages full of...stuff. Which I am supposed to know by tomorrow). And afterwards was Maths, which was fairly entertaining as well. I'm not going to go into details with that.
But then things started to turn bad. Well, it was kinda nice to see some people earlier than expected but to then suddenly drop this bombshell on me...I should've known. Someone should've warned me. But no, that's not how the world works(unless, for some bizarre reason the world is still not against me and this was possibly I chance I should have considered but pfft, screw unreasonability, I shall get married to Kai and Lulu and possibly a lot of other anime characters while I am at it, because I need a harem. Yes, I need one.).
So yeah, after that I was nicely shaken and have been doing the occasional crying every now and then. But I'm not sure whether it is because of my emotions and things or because my head hurts. Usually, it is a mix of those two.
And now, after a twelve minute phone conversation and an incredibly weird Vocaloid song, I feel like I am out of things to say. I hope tomorrow won't be like this. There is no way it would be, but well, I got myself enough material for today to get extremely sad or angry again. I'd prefer sleeping, but I know that is not how things work. If I was a poet, I would create a poem for depressive things like this, but alas, I shall satisfy myself by listening to Vocaloid songs, from which 2/3 are sad and involve murder anyway.(Which reminds me of an amusing thought, but I'd better not state it, for the sake of my own safety and perhaps even sanity.)
I appear to have lost my mind again, because I have named a blogpost after a Tarot card. Not only that, but I have a story involving Tarot cards as well. It is probably one of the most thought out, yet I have written out one chapter. I think the only story that can beat The Fool is Himitsu. And that was some seriously copycat stuff.
Wouldn't it be nice to scream so loudly, that your head explodes and your guts splatter all around your now lifeless body?
Meow,
H.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Letters from the Dead.
Dear weirder,
How have you been? I probably shouldn't ask, for I am bound to get no reply, but it is part of the protocol to ask how the recipient of the letter is doing. So now I shall follow with mindless rambling.
Today on the bus I discovered a few things. It does not matter why or how I got on that bus, but it is merely a fact that bus rides make me think a lot of different things. So now on to the discoveries. I realized that I can lean back slightly so that I can look at the sky. It is much more interesting than the never unchanging scenery I have gotten used to in these years(I believe there are a lot of them). Also, the colour changes in the sky are amazing. My head kept darting back and forth to comprehend the change. It was truly an amazing sight.
A stop later I discovered, that my hands had the smell mixture of soil and sandwiches. I liked it a lot, for it reminded me of the day I had just been through. Although remembering it now makes me feel kind of sad. I am one confused individual.
Lately, I've begun to lapse back into my weird impossible fantasies. It makes me somewhat happy, because that will mean I won't have to be afraid of sad and teary nights again. What is slightly baffling though is that my source of comfort has become Kai, whom I have somehow moved on from. But I guess it might be because unlike Lulu, his story is not complete yet. There is no conclusion. There is nothing certain. The story hasn't taken shape yet.
It's also nice to know that I've got a lot of things that can take my mind off things if necessary. But there are also a lot of things that are being applied to me with slight pressure, which are of course perfect for their timing, since school is starting. There are so many things I am supposed to do, so many things I want to do. This school year will be busy as well. I guess I'll never be able to break my way out of the art school habit. Workdays from eight to eight. Though I hope it won't get that busy. But you never know.
But one thing I do know which I surely want to do is draw. I haven't done a lot of it, but these past few days I have actually sketched/drawn things. It is kind of nice not to take them seriously, not trying to perfect each detail and throw in some random and not really accurate shading. I should stick to chibis though.
I feel that tomorrow will be a nice day, because I get to listen to songs accented with rain pouring as background sound. I thank you, wearder, for making this possible.
I am again obsessed with Earl Grey,
H.
How have you been? I probably shouldn't ask, for I am bound to get no reply, but it is part of the protocol to ask how the recipient of the letter is doing. So now I shall follow with mindless rambling.
Today on the bus I discovered a few things. It does not matter why or how I got on that bus, but it is merely a fact that bus rides make me think a lot of different things. So now on to the discoveries. I realized that I can lean back slightly so that I can look at the sky. It is much more interesting than the never unchanging scenery I have gotten used to in these years(I believe there are a lot of them). Also, the colour changes in the sky are amazing. My head kept darting back and forth to comprehend the change. It was truly an amazing sight.
A stop later I discovered, that my hands had the smell mixture of soil and sandwiches. I liked it a lot, for it reminded me of the day I had just been through. Although remembering it now makes me feel kind of sad. I am one confused individual.
Lately, I've begun to lapse back into my weird impossible fantasies. It makes me somewhat happy, because that will mean I won't have to be afraid of sad and teary nights again. What is slightly baffling though is that my source of comfort has become Kai, whom I have somehow moved on from. But I guess it might be because unlike Lulu, his story is not complete yet. There is no conclusion. There is nothing certain. The story hasn't taken shape yet.
It's also nice to know that I've got a lot of things that can take my mind off things if necessary. But there are also a lot of things that are being applied to me with slight pressure, which are of course perfect for their timing, since school is starting. There are so many things I am supposed to do, so many things I want to do. This school year will be busy as well. I guess I'll never be able to break my way out of the art school habit. Workdays from eight to eight. Though I hope it won't get that busy. But you never know.
But one thing I do know which I surely want to do is draw. I haven't done a lot of it, but these past few days I have actually sketched/drawn things. It is kind of nice not to take them seriously, not trying to perfect each detail and throw in some random and not really accurate shading. I should stick to chibis though.
I feel that tomorrow will be a nice day, because I get to listen to songs accented with rain pouring as background sound. I thank you, wearder, for making this possible.
I am again obsessed with Earl Grey,
H.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Fortuna.
The monthly masquerade of Earl Kirkum was always amongst one of the most awaited events among the higher nobility in Venice.
But never had it been more popular than after the rumors of Lady Fortuna's scandal with marquis Nimportequi, whom she had recently been in an affair with.
The man in question had apparently crushed the lady's heart by walking out on her after an extremely long and intimate relationship by choosing to return to his homeland France after proposing to her many times.
All of Venice's creme de la creme were eager to see how badly hurt the young lady was. It was the inevitable part of human in them showing: seeing the ones they envied bloody, broken and bruised, because Chiara Fortuna possessed many treats the aristocracy lacked.
The self-proclaimed aristocrat had an air of unnatural grace around her, she was always best informed of the doings on the streets of Venice and the soul of every party she was invited to. Her beauty attracted a lot of men of all ages and the dislike of women.
She was probably the most loved and most hated person at the same time.
So on the night of the ball, Lady Fortuna was not hard to find at all, for a flock of suitors appeared right at her side when she stepped into the ballroom.
In time, the flock grew in numbers, but the content of it changed occasionally, for some of those men had brought their own ladies whom to tend to from time to time. Those who had attended the ball alone, were constantly around her, hoping she would take interest in them.
One of the suitors was lucky: the light blonde lady allowed him half of her dances, kept him always in her conversations with other nobilities and seemed to take an interest in him.
It was well past after midnight when Lady Fortuna asked him to accompany her to see the Earl's many riches.
The rooms of the Earl's house were filled with paintings, furniture of previous eras and various antiques, making it quite the display during day time.
At night time however, most of the riches were hidden in the shadows, very few of all the curious objects showing occasionally in the moon light.
Lady Fortuna lead the young man into one of the biggest rooms, which had only been furnished with a piano and a few vases filled with plants. The suitor, who had been silent until now, started declaring his undying love for her.
He continued on like that for about five minutes, without noticing that the young woman grew more and more irritated with every passing word.
"Ah, I can not even begin to describe your beauty, my fair lady! Your hair shines in the moonlight so brightly, its silver hue making it seem snow-white! And your eyes..." His eyes widened as the words on his lips died down as he realized his mistake.
It was not the moon light colouring her hair white. Her hair was white and her eyes glowed with a crimson red.
The young woman smiled at him and with a quick snap of the neck, he collapsed dead on the floor, his head twisting at an odd angle.
Lady Fortuna turned around and started looking for two glasses she had hidden in the room earlier, when the gentle rustle of clothing sounded. She smiled, but didn't turn to look.
"You're early, Scip." She stated, pulling out two glass goblets. Chiara knew the figure behind her must have scowled, but it wouldn't show under the big dark hood he was wearing.
"Don't call me that." The voice was ice cold, but Chiara simply stuck out her tongue while handing him one of the goblets. "Would you prefer Scipio then?" She asked and she was sure the scowl had deepened, but once again, the hood was hiding everything.
"How about calling me by my name for once?" He sounded irritated and Chiara's face expressed confusion.
"But it doesn't suit you at all!" She exclaimed. He let out what seemed like a sigh and started massaging his temples. Chiara watched the long pale fingers disappear under the thick cloth with amusement.
After calming himself down, he finally took the goblet the young girl had offered her.
"Let's just get this over with." Chiara threw him a look that expressed mock sadness for his obvious dislike directed towards her. But then again, he had all reason to, she mused.
How could Death possibly like an immortal like her?
Meanwhile, the cloaked figure was busy with the body. He crouched down next to it and extended one hand hand. He stuffed his hand down the throat of the once so lively young man and when he pulled it out, a small, golden egg rested on his palm.
Death stood up once again and Chiara examined the egg. At her nod of approval, Death cracked the egg with the edge of the goblet. Splitting it in half, he handed one part to Chiara and unceremoniously dumped his half into the goblet.
Something white and something black twisted into the bottom of the glass. It was neither liquid nor gas: it was a state of liquid smoke, the black and the white trying to mingle, yet keeping away from each other as to not get mixed.
"Hmm, 65 to 35 for white. You rarely get people as pure as this these days." She commented before taking a sip of her 'drink'. A smile of glee spread on her face, showing how much she enjoyed it.
"You should stop hunting for pure ones. If you hunt anymore than that, then they're going to become extinct." The scowl in his voice was evident as he raised the goblet into his hood as well.
Chiara didn't seem to be that much concerned with it.
"Who cares? I mean, I'd rather gather them now, while there still are some than wait for humanity to chase them out of society." Death seemed irritated again, but chose to be silent.
They quietly finished their drinks, Death thinking of nothing at all, while Chiara pondered on the deal she had made with Death so many years ago.
She could barely remember it, the only thing she seemed to remember that it had happened on a full moon night such as this was.
After their ritual was finished, Death nodded to the immortal slightly, who only answered with a sly smile, before returning back to the mortals' realm, where a ball was still taking place.
But never had it been more popular than after the rumors of Lady Fortuna's scandal with marquis Nimportequi, whom she had recently been in an affair with.
The man in question had apparently crushed the lady's heart by walking out on her after an extremely long and intimate relationship by choosing to return to his homeland France after proposing to her many times.
All of Venice's creme de la creme were eager to see how badly hurt the young lady was. It was the inevitable part of human in them showing: seeing the ones they envied bloody, broken and bruised, because Chiara Fortuna possessed many treats the aristocracy lacked.
The self-proclaimed aristocrat had an air of unnatural grace around her, she was always best informed of the doings on the streets of Venice and the soul of every party she was invited to. Her beauty attracted a lot of men of all ages and the dislike of women.
She was probably the most loved and most hated person at the same time.
So on the night of the ball, Lady Fortuna was not hard to find at all, for a flock of suitors appeared right at her side when she stepped into the ballroom.
In time, the flock grew in numbers, but the content of it changed occasionally, for some of those men had brought their own ladies whom to tend to from time to time. Those who had attended the ball alone, were constantly around her, hoping she would take interest in them.
One of the suitors was lucky: the light blonde lady allowed him half of her dances, kept him always in her conversations with other nobilities and seemed to take an interest in him.
It was well past after midnight when Lady Fortuna asked him to accompany her to see the Earl's many riches.
The rooms of the Earl's house were filled with paintings, furniture of previous eras and various antiques, making it quite the display during day time.
At night time however, most of the riches were hidden in the shadows, very few of all the curious objects showing occasionally in the moon light.
Lady Fortuna lead the young man into one of the biggest rooms, which had only been furnished with a piano and a few vases filled with plants. The suitor, who had been silent until now, started declaring his undying love for her.
He continued on like that for about five minutes, without noticing that the young woman grew more and more irritated with every passing word.
"Ah, I can not even begin to describe your beauty, my fair lady! Your hair shines in the moonlight so brightly, its silver hue making it seem snow-white! And your eyes..." His eyes widened as the words on his lips died down as he realized his mistake.
It was not the moon light colouring her hair white. Her hair was white and her eyes glowed with a crimson red.
The young woman smiled at him and with a quick snap of the neck, he collapsed dead on the floor, his head twisting at an odd angle.
Lady Fortuna turned around and started looking for two glasses she had hidden in the room earlier, when the gentle rustle of clothing sounded. She smiled, but didn't turn to look.
"You're early, Scip." She stated, pulling out two glass goblets. Chiara knew the figure behind her must have scowled, but it wouldn't show under the big dark hood he was wearing.
"Don't call me that." The voice was ice cold, but Chiara simply stuck out her tongue while handing him one of the goblets. "Would you prefer Scipio then?" She asked and she was sure the scowl had deepened, but once again, the hood was hiding everything.
"How about calling me by my name for once?" He sounded irritated and Chiara's face expressed confusion.
"But it doesn't suit you at all!" She exclaimed. He let out what seemed like a sigh and started massaging his temples. Chiara watched the long pale fingers disappear under the thick cloth with amusement.
After calming himself down, he finally took the goblet the young girl had offered her.
"Let's just get this over with." Chiara threw him a look that expressed mock sadness for his obvious dislike directed towards her. But then again, he had all reason to, she mused.
How could Death possibly like an immortal like her?
Meanwhile, the cloaked figure was busy with the body. He crouched down next to it and extended one hand hand. He stuffed his hand down the throat of the once so lively young man and when he pulled it out, a small, golden egg rested on his palm.
Death stood up once again and Chiara examined the egg. At her nod of approval, Death cracked the egg with the edge of the goblet. Splitting it in half, he handed one part to Chiara and unceremoniously dumped his half into the goblet.
Something white and something black twisted into the bottom of the glass. It was neither liquid nor gas: it was a state of liquid smoke, the black and the white trying to mingle, yet keeping away from each other as to not get mixed.
"Hmm, 65 to 35 for white. You rarely get people as pure as this these days." She commented before taking a sip of her 'drink'. A smile of glee spread on her face, showing how much she enjoyed it.
"You should stop hunting for pure ones. If you hunt anymore than that, then they're going to become extinct." The scowl in his voice was evident as he raised the goblet into his hood as well.
Chiara didn't seem to be that much concerned with it.
"Who cares? I mean, I'd rather gather them now, while there still are some than wait for humanity to chase them out of society." Death seemed irritated again, but chose to be silent.
They quietly finished their drinks, Death thinking of nothing at all, while Chiara pondered on the deal she had made with Death so many years ago.
She could barely remember it, the only thing she seemed to remember that it had happened on a full moon night such as this was.
After their ritual was finished, Death nodded to the immortal slightly, who only answered with a sly smile, before returning back to the mortals' realm, where a ball was still taking place.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Selective amnesia.
It's amazing how many times I have wished for the Geass to be a real (almost as often as wishing for my own Lulu. But I guess these two things go hand in hand.). But a few months ago(when I was not stupid. And enjoying a more quiet phase of insanity.) was the first time that I wished for the Geass so that I could forget. Forget this one single person. And then I had even no reason to wish to forget them except my own inability to calm my own mind. Perhaps this is the reason even now. But yes, I wished to forget. I knew it would have driven me mad. I mean forgetting that one person would have created quite the blank into my memory. And I am the curious kind. I would have tried to fill that blank. Heck, I even have a scene written about it.
Alas, reality is cruel and I have no other choice but to take the longer path, forgetting everything at a snail's pace. Even then, I won't be able to forget everything completely, but forgetting about my own feelings is a feat I will probably be able to manage. Time heals all kinds of wounds and even those created by myself will close, fade into nonexistence and be forgotten about when another wound is created. I don't doubt that my stupidity will be always there for me, inflicting pain when I don't need it.
but then again, those wounds are parts of me. They shape my character, affect my behavior and make me lose myself completely. I didn't feel like myself until a few weeks ago. Now, the daydreaming part of me is slowly returning, along with old habits. I am slowly standing up again, facing fall with the usual mindset and bloody optimism I have. Things feel like they are going to be all right again.
Even if my dreams try to viciously argue against it.
Alas, reality is cruel and I have no other choice but to take the longer path, forgetting everything at a snail's pace. Even then, I won't be able to forget everything completely, but forgetting about my own feelings is a feat I will probably be able to manage. Time heals all kinds of wounds and even those created by myself will close, fade into nonexistence and be forgotten about when another wound is created. I don't doubt that my stupidity will be always there for me, inflicting pain when I don't need it.
but then again, those wounds are parts of me. They shape my character, affect my behavior and make me lose myself completely. I didn't feel like myself until a few weeks ago. Now, the daydreaming part of me is slowly returning, along with old habits. I am slowly standing up again, facing fall with the usual mindset and bloody optimism I have. Things feel like they are going to be all right again.
Even if my dreams try to viciously argue against it.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
And yet, I watch that idiot...
"I've noticed that lately, I'm always around you.
Is it hate? like?
Or just paranoia?"
- Sakura Kiss by Cheico Kawabe
These days have been very busy with nothing at all. I've just had a lot of things to think about and since I obviously couldn't pick anything else, I started rewatching Ouran High School Host Club. Yes, a host club in a high school filled with obnoxiously rich people. Not to mention one of the best stereotypical anime which I can use for reference material for my story(the number of drafts has grown to 4 I think. That's quite horrible).
So one of the more important questions that it has posed in my mind is: if I ever shared a bed with Ootori Kyouya-san, how mad would he be if I kicked him accidentally? Because he is...the sort of person to get pissed at such things and he is quite capable of making my life a living hell(Private police and stuff...nuff said). And yes, this requires some serious thoughts(Have a look at the anime. That thing ain't serious at all.)
My dad finally returned from his trip to Germany(Waaai~!) and the things we talked about made me once again crave for that wonderful country and the wonderful people that live in it. Which is once again confirming my belief of returning there as soon as possible(though as I know found out, my mother would prefer if I'd study in Estonia at first). Lately, we've been talking with my mother a lot and I am not sure whether that makes me happy or not.
On one hand, it does deepen the relationship between us. On the other, I have never found it necessary to burden her with my troubles and the outlook on the future kind of shows that at one point, I will have to tell her. But that is in the far off future...I hope. You never know with the way things work these days...
Though I have been questioned about my future again. It's weird that people want to know, although after hearing my response, they claim that they didn't know what they wanted to do either when they were my age. Why even ask? Do I look like someone, who knows exactly what they want? Do I look like I know what is going on in my own head?
I'm slowly getting my imagination back...or well any side-effects that are coming with it. The stories have slowly made their way back into my head again and I can exaggerate to my heart's content. With the autumnish weather adding to it, I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again. I'm welcoming this change with open arms.
It's also about time I started thinking up new characters. At least I have found an awesome name and I am abusing it already. A RPG wouldn't sound too bad at the moment though...so I shall bother people once again.
Also, since when does a game need to know your blood-type?
My belly is a black hole,
H.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
A dramatic letter to conscience
Dear weirder, who might be reading this!
I'd call you stranger, but for now I am clinging to horrible puns for the sake of my sanity, if that makes any coins. I've already written a letter today, but I haven't sent it, because it is mainly filled with accusations and directed a person, who is really none of my concern anymore. But I have taken some necessary measures, so the letter will stay as a document in my computer and never be sent.
I would love to talk about things that I have done lately, but there is not much to tell. I am emotionally drained again, though I admit this is my own fault. It had nothing to do with overtiredness and I'm simply looking forward to seeing my friend again, who I was able to talk to at one crucial point. I broke down in front of her and funnily enough, her words of comfort were not "it is going to be all right" but "you are so cute". Yes, weirder, the friends I pick are unique and you should feel damn proud that I consider you one of them.
On another note, thanks to a letter I received a few days ago, I have realized that I have done unjust to one of my closest friends. Because I was selfish, I stopped opening up to her and now I realize I have done wrong and I hope to make up to it soon. It will keep me away from bad thoughts for the mean time.
I wasn't actually planning on writing this sort of letter, but I felt that if I didn't post this, something bad would have happened. Unfortunately enough, I got the move on too late, so I haven't managed to say something especially meaningful. I couldn't tell you about the person who hates me, yet shares a lot with me, I couldn't tell about people I have had incredibly long phone calls with, I couldn't tell you about fish fingers and custard. I couldn't tell you about the silent plea I had yesterday, I couldn't tell about how easily I can hurt myself with words. But let's leave you with a nice thought: the world won't change with pretty words alone. So rather than speaking about it, I shall indulge myself in activities that will help me broaden my mind and realize how ridiculous I have been the last 24 hours.
Yours sincerely,
H.
I'd call you stranger, but for now I am clinging to horrible puns for the sake of my sanity, if that makes any coins. I've already written a letter today, but I haven't sent it, because it is mainly filled with accusations and directed a person, who is really none of my concern anymore. But I have taken some necessary measures, so the letter will stay as a document in my computer and never be sent.
I would love to talk about things that I have done lately, but there is not much to tell. I am emotionally drained again, though I admit this is my own fault. It had nothing to do with overtiredness and I'm simply looking forward to seeing my friend again, who I was able to talk to at one crucial point. I broke down in front of her and funnily enough, her words of comfort were not "it is going to be all right" but "you are so cute". Yes, weirder, the friends I pick are unique and you should feel damn proud that I consider you one of them.
On another note, thanks to a letter I received a few days ago, I have realized that I have done unjust to one of my closest friends. Because I was selfish, I stopped opening up to her and now I realize I have done wrong and I hope to make up to it soon. It will keep me away from bad thoughts for the mean time.
I wasn't actually planning on writing this sort of letter, but I felt that if I didn't post this, something bad would have happened. Unfortunately enough, I got the move on too late, so I haven't managed to say something especially meaningful. I couldn't tell you about the person who hates me, yet shares a lot with me, I couldn't tell about people I have had incredibly long phone calls with, I couldn't tell you about fish fingers and custard. I couldn't tell you about the silent plea I had yesterday, I couldn't tell about how easily I can hurt myself with words. But let's leave you with a nice thought: the world won't change with pretty words alone. So rather than speaking about it, I shall indulge myself in activities that will help me broaden my mind and realize how ridiculous I have been the last 24 hours.
Yours sincerely,
H.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The scent of selfishness
He paced around back and forth as he waited
for her, getting more and more irritated by the minute. It had started a few
weeks back, when she asked him to meet her, but he had refused, for it had been
a busy time.
She had backed down for some time, but once he did have an
exceptional amount of free time, he started making up excuses. He didn’t want
to see her. He had no idea what to do with her.
It was something unknown to him, and he feared the unknown.
He
panicked when he was around her, so he made sure he would avoid her as much as
possible. In the end, he had given in, when she’d told him that she only wanted
to ask a favor and wouldn’t need more than five minutes.
So
now he was waiting at their meeting spot, wondering what could possibly cause
her to ask constantly about meeting up, the pleas becoming more forceful with
every passing week.
She showed up five minutes after the agreed time, carrying a
stuffed animal with her. The moment she reached him, she dumped the plush toy
at him.
“What’s this?” He asked, examining what
could be called a black rabbit.
It had long ears, with an earring attached on
the left one and a chubby body. On its forehead was a blue, round crystal. It
had short legs, the hind legs being slightly longer. But it didn’t look like
anything he had seen before.
“That’s Mokona Modoki. I want you to take
care of him.” She answered, carefully observing his expression.
“Why?” He asked, his brow creasing at the
absurdness of the favor. She pouted,
angry that he wouldn’t understand.
“I’m going on vacation and can’t take him
with me. Mokona will feel lonely!” She explained, gesturing at the rabbit to
emphasize her point. It didn’t help that the so called Mokona was smiling.
He
thought about it for a while. The favor
in itself was ridiculous, but not as bad as he expected.
“What does taking care of him mean?” He inquired and he saw her eyes lighting up.
“Well, if you want to make Mokona
comfortable then you could pet him and hug him and-” she started nonchalantly,
but stopped when she saw the look on his face.
“Or you could just place him somewhere in your room and leave him there
until I want him back.”
He thought about it for a while and then
agreed, but only, because her look had been becoming more pleading the longer
he thought about it. She didn’t even bother to hide the joy she felt when he
nodded. She smiled at him briefly before leaving, a slight skip in her step.
Once he had gotten home with the weird toy, he contemplated on what he would do with it.At first he opted for placing it on his desk, but the furry animal seemed quite out of place there. He searched with his eyes for a spot that would suit, but in the end he had to admit that the furry animal didn't fit anywhere in his room.
At last, he decided to place it on his bed, for he felt that would seem the most natural.
A week passed until she finally contacted him again. The stuffed toy had stayed mostly untouched on his bed, although he had noted at one point that it made a good pillow. Not that he was going to tell her though.
So once again, he found himself pacing back and forth, with another promise that it would only take five minutes. When she finally arrived, she broke into a run.
“Mokona!” She yelled teary eyed and for a
split second he was convinced she was going to hug him, but the toy was scooped
out of his arms and she buried her face into it, inhaling deeply.
'"I missed you so much!" She told the toy.
He wondered
whether he felt disappointed or not, but she had already smiled and thanked
him, before turning around and walking away.
So he slid his hands into his
pockets and started making his way home.
She, however, went to the bus stop and
hugged it tightly the whole time,occasionally burying her face into Mokona. She
didn’t have to wait long for five minutes later she already sat on the bus,
Mokona still safely secured in her arms. She smiled slightly when a whisk of
his scent reached her and she once again snuggled into the soft fabric of Mokona.
She inhaled deeply once more and her smile grew into a grin.
She knew it was wrong, but honestly, when
the idea had came to her, she simply couldn’t resist.
It was selfish, but at
the moment, she didn’t care.
It
had been so long since she had done something for herself, something for her
own happiness and now that she had, she was going to enjoy it. The pangs of
guilt that popped up every now and then were easily drowned out by the scent
she would never be able to describe without exaggerating.
Drowned out by the scent of her own
selfishness.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Headaches.
First of all, I must apologize. I have paired Chiaki and the real Lulu together. It's just that I changed her personality and added another bunch of characters from another anime in it. Yay for crossovers.
So while I am still looking through my old writings(since I haven't really dealt with them for a while now, which is weird, because well...I like to be stuck in my past), I am growing more and more irritated because I simply can't find one of them. Yes, I admit that my naming sense for documents is beyond comprehension, but hey, as long as I kept checking them all the time, I could actually remember what was where. And ignore the two word documents(I should get rid of those as well...) which I know I am never going to finish(though they have Mokona in them...).
I'm currently very frustrated at myself because of a pole vault competition. Although I must admit that the wind was partly at fault, the result I got was by no means acceptable. The fact that I got first place with it and they engraved the bloody result on the medal makes things only worse. And now since it is finally 'vacation time', I have the option to go to practice once a week. People really like to encourage my boredom, don't they?
I have no idea how much time has passed since then, but at one point I ranted on a lot of anime here. And I made this one prediction on an anime called Rinne no Lagrange. Well, turns out I got it wrong. I think Rinne no Lagrange is...yuri. As far as I've understood. Didn't think I could miss with that much, but hey, they've hidden the girls love quite well there(which technically makes it shoujo ai, not yuri). Oh well, as long as they start explaining the secret plot they have there, I'm in.
A lot of stuff has happened lately and again I find myself thinking all sort weird things. But they die out with every passing day so I amuse myself with weird silly fantasies which are pleasant to think about, although not very practical nor rational. But looking back on the stuff I have written in my life time, there never has been an ounce of rationality in me. Merlin, I wonder whether the unhappiness I have generated of myself might have been caused by these writings. I mean, it almost seems natural that they always cry and cry and cry...
Questions have been on my mind, questions I want to know the answers to, yet I find myself feeling reluctant about asking them. They serve no point, except to hurt myself a little bit more perhaps and I'm not sure whether I am willing to do that to myself considering that the last few days have been a lot of fun and have had several nice things happening. Besides, I probably will never get a chance to ask those questions anyways.
Another story idea has been lurking on my mind and there's still an unfinished one waiting as a draft but whether I find the motivation to continue them will be clear after I found one of my old ones.
Wish me luck,
H.
So while I am still looking through my old writings(since I haven't really dealt with them for a while now, which is weird, because well...I like to be stuck in my past), I am growing more and more irritated because I simply can't find one of them. Yes, I admit that my naming sense for documents is beyond comprehension, but hey, as long as I kept checking them all the time, I could actually remember what was where. And ignore the two word documents(I should get rid of those as well...) which I know I am never going to finish(though they have Mokona in them...).
I'm currently very frustrated at myself because of a pole vault competition. Although I must admit that the wind was partly at fault, the result I got was by no means acceptable. The fact that I got first place with it and they engraved the bloody result on the medal makes things only worse. And now since it is finally 'vacation time', I have the option to go to practice once a week. People really like to encourage my boredom, don't they?
I have no idea how much time has passed since then, but at one point I ranted on a lot of anime here. And I made this one prediction on an anime called Rinne no Lagrange. Well, turns out I got it wrong. I think Rinne no Lagrange is...yuri. As far as I've understood. Didn't think I could miss with that much, but hey, they've hidden the girls love quite well there(which technically makes it shoujo ai, not yuri). Oh well, as long as they start explaining the secret plot they have there, I'm in.
A lot of stuff has happened lately and again I find myself thinking all sort weird things. But they die out with every passing day so I amuse myself with weird silly fantasies which are pleasant to think about, although not very practical nor rational. But looking back on the stuff I have written in my life time, there never has been an ounce of rationality in me. Merlin, I wonder whether the unhappiness I have generated of myself might have been caused by these writings. I mean, it almost seems natural that they always cry and cry and cry...
Questions have been on my mind, questions I want to know the answers to, yet I find myself feeling reluctant about asking them. They serve no point, except to hurt myself a little bit more perhaps and I'm not sure whether I am willing to do that to myself considering that the last few days have been a lot of fun and have had several nice things happening. Besides, I probably will never get a chance to ask those questions anyways.
Another story idea has been lurking on my mind and there's still an unfinished one waiting as a draft but whether I find the motivation to continue them will be clear after I found one of my old ones.
Wish me luck,
H.
Monday, July 23, 2012
42 things: Now and then.
This is a small cut out from a diary. It's almost two years old now and I have the odd need to put down 42 facts about me. Now that I actually have read Emily the Strange. Or perhaps I'd just like to see how much I can change in the span of two years.
1. I love anime,manga and fanfiction. I still do. Though the time I spend on it has decreased drastically.
2. I tend to crush on anime guys. Would love to say I still do, but there hasn't been one since Kai. Though the longest obsession(still in tact somehow) is Lulu.
3. I love to think up stories. Well, I wrote a very nice post about that once. Meaning I sort of stopped at one point, but it's slowly coming back. But one thing that has never disappeared are conversations.
4. I often get head aches. Never mind often, I get them a lot. Especially on Mondays.
5. I have short memory. But I have discovered at least two people with more horrible memory than I have. Phew.
6. I see myself as crazy. Nope, not anymore. Not at all. Nu uh. I'm juust fine.
7. I am a chewing addict. *glances at polished nails* Hasn't changed.
8. I rarely think that my classmates are not that bad. New class with awesome classmates. Enough said.
9. I have an awesome teacher. Ah yes, our homeroom teacher was one of the best teachers I have had. It's a shame she taught English(something I have never bothered to study. I mean, who studies languages?This is probably the reason I am rubbish at Russian.).
10.I can't live without music,anime,manga,fanfiction,sugar and a computer. Well, I think it still applies. Though the computer is meant mainly for anime,manga and fanfiction. And now, novels as well.
43. I like sleeping. Now don't get me wrong. Eleven was simply too pointless for me to list. 43 is better. And it still applies.
12. I get inspiration practically from everything. *smiles happily for once* At least that part hasn't changed.
13.I hate the stereotype orange hair, female, big breasts. They're always annoying. Examples: Orihim(Bleach), Shirley(Code Geass), Rei (High School of the Dead). I wonder why I simply didn't say Orihime stereotype, as I call it. And they really are annoying.
14. Lately, or after I started watching High Schoolf of the Dead, I started dreaming about zombies. Konoko(The little girl) wasn't at least dreaming of zombies with knives back then. Though those have stopped for a while too.
15. My dreams are weird, but it's fun to watch them. My answers vary from "*twitch* She has no idea what she's talking about" to "Pfft, remembering them at times puts a smile on my face"
16. I want to cosplay at least once in my life. I succeeded...almost. Well, at least now I have the Cosplay Club for a good cosplay.
17. I want to go to Japan(best case scenario, live there a happy life, worst, sing as a homeless person on the the corners of the street). ...Why sing? Why would you do that? Why?
18. I have at least 5 ideas I want to make a manga of. Let's see...golem, demons, magic, dragons and...clones. Yup, five ideas. They've increased and decreased in time though. Like all my stories I have thought up. I forget them...although I don't want to.
19. I have a few songs I want to make anime openings with. Heh, silly me...who knows though?
20. I want to pair up with someone to do a manga. I think, he/she draws. It's obvious by now that if I ever find myself such a person, they will draw. Though I haven't wished for a partner like that lately, I guess it would still be awesome.
21. I want to go to Venice once too. My 'is' looks like an 'a'.
22. I'm lazy. I want to do the straight man act once. Doesn't matter whether I am the straight man or not.
44. I never know how to decide big things.Sigh. I swore myself I would use 23, but... *turns red and stares down at the ground* I still don't know how to decide big things. I just wing 'em when they become intolerable. Also my answer to 23 is "Changed my mind. Don't need one."
24. I'm not nice. I have trouble paying attention to stuff. I walk away in the middle of the conversation at times.
25. I tend to be sarcastic. So sarcastic that people can't tell apart my normal voice from me being sarcastic.
26. I find the writing style I had a few years ago extremely weird. -So do I, honey, so do I. -*smiles brightly* Thank you! -Don't mention it.
27. 6 words that could destroy you...I have ketchup on my pants.I wonder what kind of reaction I am going to have. I laughed. The first time.
28. I usually don't care about gossip, but I'm curious so I want to know everything. Knowledge is power after all.
29. I'm good at Math. No, you're not.
30. I'm sometimes random. *smirks and chuckles*Pfft, no, you're not.
31. Nobody understands my logic. Unless I explain it to them. The red thread is one of my most shining examples. Or Carebear.
32. Some things make too much sense. I wonder what I meant by that.
33. When I'm trying to come up with the opposite of insensitive(takti-tundeline) I get sense of Justice. You go, little me! It's so bad it hurts. *reads the next one, shakes head and sighs*
47. I think that my future self will be a drunkard. *smiles knowingly* Oh little one... *starts petting her head*
35. I'm trying to explain this to my future self. Meaning 33. 34 was just a horrible explanation of horrible doom. *is reminded of the Doom song*
36. I like this nummering stuff. Of course you do. And you hate English. At least my English has improved since then.
37. My handwriting and Englishis are horrible. You see? Ah, I crave for some chocolate.
38. I like dogs and wolves. And cats and dragons and hedgehogs(I saw one today) and all other cute fuzzy animals. And the Adipose.They make me want to write of adorableness.
39. I like the rain. Mostly. Now I like rain in all sorts of forms and shapes. Ah, I'm getting tired.
40. I love new interesting people. Meeting them that is. Funny how I can have a fear for strangers and have an eagerness to meet them at the same time.
41. Fun makes me think I'm normal. Like I actually belong somewhere.
42. The therapist would not think so. I hope you are all familiar with my humor by now.
So here, 42 things. I want to kill myself for the English, but I am too much of an ego maniac to do that.
1. I love anime,manga and fanfiction. I still do. Though the time I spend on it has decreased drastically.
2. I tend to crush on anime guys. Would love to say I still do, but there hasn't been one since Kai. Though the longest obsession(still in tact somehow) is Lulu.
3. I love to think up stories. Well, I wrote a very nice post about that once. Meaning I sort of stopped at one point, but it's slowly coming back. But one thing that has never disappeared are conversations.
4. I often get head aches. Never mind often, I get them a lot. Especially on Mondays.
5. I have short memory. But I have discovered at least two people with more horrible memory than I have. Phew.
6. I see myself as crazy. Nope, not anymore. Not at all. Nu uh. I'm juust fine.
7. I am a chewing addict. *glances at polished nails* Hasn't changed.
8. I rarely think that my classmates are not that bad. New class with awesome classmates. Enough said.
9. I have an awesome teacher. Ah yes, our homeroom teacher was one of the best teachers I have had. It's a shame she taught English(something I have never bothered to study. I mean, who studies languages?This is probably the reason I am rubbish at Russian.).
10.I can't live without music,anime,manga,fanfiction,sugar and a computer. Well, I think it still applies. Though the computer is meant mainly for anime,manga and fanfiction. And now, novels as well.
43. I like sleeping. Now don't get me wrong. Eleven was simply too pointless for me to list. 43 is better. And it still applies.
12. I get inspiration practically from everything. *smiles happily for once* At least that part hasn't changed.
13.I hate the stereotype orange hair, female, big breasts. They're always annoying. Examples: Orihim(Bleach), Shirley(Code Geass), Rei (High School of the Dead). I wonder why I simply didn't say Orihime stereotype, as I call it. And they really are annoying.
14. Lately, or after I started watching High Schoolf of the Dead, I started dreaming about zombies. Konoko(The little girl) wasn't at least dreaming of zombies with knives back then. Though those have stopped for a while too.
15. My dreams are weird, but it's fun to watch them. My answers vary from "*twitch* She has no idea what she's talking about" to "Pfft, remembering them at times puts a smile on my face"
16. I want to cosplay at least once in my life. I succeeded...almost. Well, at least now I have the Cosplay Club for a good cosplay.
17. I want to go to Japan(best case scenario, live there a happy life, worst, sing as a homeless person on the the corners of the street). ...Why sing? Why would you do that? Why?
18. I have at least 5 ideas I want to make a manga of. Let's see...golem, demons, magic, dragons and...clones. Yup, five ideas. They've increased and decreased in time though. Like all my stories I have thought up. I forget them...although I don't want to.
19. I have a few songs I want to make anime openings with. Heh, silly me...who knows though?
20. I want to pair up with someone to do a manga. I think, he/she draws. It's obvious by now that if I ever find myself such a person, they will draw. Though I haven't wished for a partner like that lately, I guess it would still be awesome.
21. I want to go to Venice once too. My 'is' looks like an 'a'.
22. I'm lazy. I want to do the straight man act once. Doesn't matter whether I am the straight man or not.
44. I never know how to decide big things.Sigh. I swore myself I would use 23, but... *turns red and stares down at the ground* I still don't know how to decide big things. I just wing 'em when they become intolerable. Also my answer to 23 is "Changed my mind. Don't need one."
24. I'm not nice. I have trouble paying attention to stuff. I walk away in the middle of the conversation at times.
25. I tend to be sarcastic. So sarcastic that people can't tell apart my normal voice from me being sarcastic.
26. I find the writing style I had a few years ago extremely weird. -So do I, honey, so do I. -*smiles brightly* Thank you! -Don't mention it.
27. 6 words that could destroy you...I have ketchup on my pants.I wonder what kind of reaction I am going to have. I laughed. The first time.
28. I usually don't care about gossip, but I'm curious so I want to know everything. Knowledge is power after all.
29. I'm good at Math. No, you're not.
30. I'm sometimes random. *smirks and chuckles*Pfft, no, you're not.
31. Nobody understands my logic. Unless I explain it to them. The red thread is one of my most shining examples. Or Carebear.
32. Some things make too much sense. I wonder what I meant by that.
33. When I'm trying to come up with the opposite of insensitive(takti-tundeline) I get sense of Justice. You go, little me! It's so bad it hurts. *reads the next one, shakes head and sighs*
47. I think that my future self will be a drunkard. *smiles knowingly* Oh little one... *starts petting her head*
35. I'm trying to explain this to my future self. Meaning 33. 34 was just a horrible explanation of horrible doom. *is reminded of the Doom song*
36. I like this nummering stuff. Of course you do. And you hate English. At least my English has improved since then.
37. My handwriting and English
38. I like dogs and wolves. And cats and dragons and hedgehogs(I saw one today) and all other cute fuzzy animals. And the Adipose.They make me want to write of adorableness.
39. I like the rain. Mostly. Now I like rain in all sorts of forms and shapes. Ah, I'm getting tired.
40. I love new interesting people. Meeting them that is. Funny how I can have a fear for strangers and have an eagerness to meet them at the same time.
41. Fun makes me think I'm normal. Like I actually belong somewhere.
42. The therapist would not think so. I hope you are all familiar with my humor by now.
So here, 42 things. I want to kill myself for the English, but I am too much of an ego maniac to do that.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Reasons why I should not ride a bike.
1) I don't know how to ride in a straight line.
2) Grass patches are mightier than the bike.
3) Driving into your friend is fun as well.
4) I just might save the world.
5) I'm having a field day, when there is something wrong with the bike.
6)I am too ADD to pay attention on where I'm going and when I'm going.
I was hoping on getting 13 reasons, but I guess I am not that Strange after all. Expect the 42 things about me post. Yes, I am that bored. And perhaps that crazy. Oh boy, I'm already looking forward to number 26.
So in whatever amount of time has passed, I have met a lot of people who I haven't seen for a long time. Again, my imagination has told me that I look happier around them and perhaps I do, because they manage to get things off my mind. Except when I am talking about those things. Then you can guess for yourself what I am like. Not a pretty picture. Not pretty at all.
Though I love the timing. As mentioned to some people before, I like to find irony in things and I find it quite often. And the timing of events can be amazing. Although the only downside is, that all the progress I have been making disappeared in the span of two hours. Oh well. I get to learn how to suppress emotions, expectations, et cetera.
It's amazing how a piece of blue gum can entertain me while waiting for a person to show up. The Cosplay Club has been more active and I didn't realize how much I had missed their company. Why are there so many people who I should definitely see more often, yet it doesn't seem to happen?
I have been thinking about writing stories and have even managed to put down a few words, but I didn't manage to finish it in one go. I doubt it will be any good if I do manage to get the motivation to finish it. Not to mention that idea is months old. But my writing has been lacking in all sorts lately. I've been lazy.
But I have done some reading. Not any of the obligatory literature, but fantasy books. I love reading about dragons. I should do that more often.
But I have done some reading. Not any of the obligatory literature, but fantasy books. I love reading about dragons. I should do that more often.
It's strange how weird it is to find out that a person hates you. The way how I will be affected by it depends on the reason. If I get no reason, then I'll simply feel shocked and hurt. If I do get a reason and it is reasonable(in my opinion) I am just left with this feeling of not caring. But that might be explained with my lack of any feelings towards the person. So since I do not have any stronger feelings and the reason is acceptable in my book, I'm left with this curiousness on how it is expressed. I'm curious. But when I am curious, I find out things I don't want to. If I hurt people, then I want to do it at least with the intention of hurting them. Not accidentally, finding out later just how much people have been suffering because of me.
Ah, how I can hate myself sometimes,
H.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Silence.
It's amazing, how knowing something can make me grin.
I want to mentally torment a carebear. Any ideas?
I had no tea tonight,
H.
I want to mentally torment a carebear. Any ideas?
I had no tea tonight,
H.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Lightning.Character introduction.
I currently would like to claim that I hate my dreams, but that is not quite the case. I am just upset at the tricks my mind is playing me and I am not sure what for. At least I gained some knowledge out of that dream.
I want to write a guide. Yes, I mentioned it in the previous post. I am just wondering if I should actually start add examples there or not. Heck, I even thought about posting it here at one point. But I think it shall go into the document I have named with an incredibly long title: "for rants, that tend to linger on my mind much more often than I'd like them to". Or something like that.
So now I'd like to do a character introduction for those awesome characters that have hidden themselves into several different dark corners of my mind.There are seven altogether: Chiaki, Lelouch, Suzaku, Daniel, Charles Senior, Charles Junior(usually I simply refer to them as the Charles') and Motivation-san. Three of them(Lelouch, Suzaku and Charles Senior) have been completely stolen from their respective anime(this is plural...I think). So let's start with the simplest character to explain and also the youngest: Motivation-san.
I have no idea why I address her as -san, considering she can never be older than me nor earn my respect. I had no idea she existed until this oh-so-Ran-like voice started yelling nonsensical encouragements. But well for some reason she stuck and tends to sometimes yell even more nonsensical encouragements. She hasn't been much of use, just like the name implies
.
Next we have Charles Junior. He is a Kishin(Google Soul Eater) in a five year old boy's body. His mind is sort of like that as well, he decides whether he finds a human pretty or not and according to that you either die a gruesome death or a more gruesome death. He can't stand ugly people, so he kills them. He loves beautiful people so he turns them into one of his paintings. I'm not going into details with that one. But he usually pretends to be this cute and sweet boy as long as other people have something he wants. He has no memories of what was before he turned into a Kishin, but it probably wasn't nice or else he wouldn't have gone mad. I have no idea, how old he is, but he has been around a while, so his child's mind has developed this slightly mature edge which I can experience the most when he is simply glaring at me before continuing with one of his paintings(a normal one, luckily. If he isn't busy with killing people, he paints beautiful paintings with the normal kind of oil paint.). He is also immensely attached to his teddy bear [Yes, its head has been torn off once. Yes, Charles was the one who did it. But he fixed(read: had it fixed)it later.]
Charles Senior is probably the oldest and he is a Chevalier(Google Blood+). I have this really weird attachment to him, which is deepened by the fact that the Charles I am referring to is the one from the manga adaption. He doesn't appear in the anime(another Carl or Charles appears, but he is nothing like my Charles. At least in my biased opinion). But anyways, he's a blood-sucking monster who despises humans and after he lost the favour of his creator Diva, he has been doing his own thing. Yes, he is quite attached to Diva. But it might have been me reading too much cross-overs, but then I started thinking it would be awesome if he'd be existing somewhere in my mind. I have a nice location imagined where he should have resided at first. I should sketch it down at some point. But yeah, he hates humans and amazingly so, he doesn't talk much.
Daniel is a vampire king(no, not the sparkly kind one. Nice try though). He is this flirty character, who constantly smirks and always is two steps ahead(a male Chiaki so to say). He is a mad hatter and very possessive as well. I am keeping this incredibly short, because you will basically find out his personality when you read about Chiaki. They're really not that different.
Suzaku(I'm leaving Chiaki for last) is the one who is doing the job Motivation-san is supposed to do. He urges me to be hard working at moments and he is kind and gentle and very adorable in his own way. But he can be kind of an idiot, very stubborn at some points and incredibly easy to bully. But he keeps Lelouch company.
Lelouch is basically copied from Code Geass(or well, his history and maniacal laugh. Ah...his laugh...). His personality might have suffered the damage of being left open to a fangirl. So he is my courteous black knight, in shiny armor with his awesome superpower and a good mind. And I could probably go on and on, on how awesome he is, but the main two things that one should know about this one in my head are a) he apparently can't stand me and b) he constantly complains about the lack of space. Anyways, this base type character(with the stereotypish looks an all, only under different names) has managed to sneak himself into almost every story I have thought of. And it has been only two years since I first found out about him. Ah yes, my Lulu dislikes being called Lulu(can't blame him though, I find that nickname ridiculous). Owari(the end).
Now last but not least, Chiaki. Full name is Kuroda Chiaki and she is my all-purpose type character. She is the character, who just conveniently enters the story(knowing two thirds of the actual plot) and then acts as this sort of constantly smirking mentor. She usually is on the good guy's side and is special one way or another. God's daughter, rather powerful shinigami, the super rich and traumatized kid who accidentally broke the machine which just so happened to bring a bunch of anime characters into her world, you name it. She can be everything. I would say, call her Mary Sue, but no one really falls in love with her. Because she has her Lulu stereotype. Not to mention she can be immortal as well. But yeah, she likes to help the characters whose side she is on, she usually recognizes the good guys(two thirds of the plot!) and well she is either incredibly useful, or of no use at all. She is sort of an actor. And she likes to mock-cry, fake mock-hurt to the point of being overdramatic (as seen in the post before the last one). Her personality always has this nuances that change depending on the situation(and the story). My all-purpose type character.
Funnily enough, although Chiaki has her stereotype character, I don't think I have ever couple her together with the actual real deal. Well neither have I tried inserting Daniel and Chiaki into one story( but Chiaki isn't exactly the type to go to Hogwarts as well...). Though I am sure Chaos would ensue if those two ever got into one story. I must shudder at that thought.
And now this final last idea. There are people, who understand you well, really well. They can tell if something is wrong and they usually try to comfort you then(whether it is successful or not, depends). You can write about your feelings and later when asking them, they can basically tell you what you want to tell the world. And then there are people who are two world's apart from you. No matter how much you try to talk with them and understand them, your biggest ability to tell that something is not right is simply based on incredibly misplaced behavior. You won't get to know them really and sometimes, when you try, you get hurt in the process. And then after a while, the most stupid thoughts pop into your head. Heh, best friends but nothing changed. Pffft. Fun fact is, that said person won't remember this as well.
I am not suicidal(I just started wanting to get hit by a lightning bolt for no real reason. That wanting was incredibly amazing though.),
H.
I want to write a guide. Yes, I mentioned it in the previous post. I am just wondering if I should actually start add examples there or not. Heck, I even thought about posting it here at one point. But I think it shall go into the document I have named with an incredibly long title: "for rants, that tend to linger on my mind much more often than I'd like them to". Or something like that.
So now I'd like to do a character introduction for those awesome characters that have hidden themselves into several different dark corners of my mind.There are seven altogether: Chiaki, Lelouch, Suzaku, Daniel, Charles Senior, Charles Junior(usually I simply refer to them as the Charles') and Motivation-san. Three of them(Lelouch, Suzaku and Charles Senior) have been completely stolen from their respective anime(this is plural...I think). So let's start with the simplest character to explain and also the youngest: Motivation-san.
I have no idea why I address her as -san, considering she can never be older than me nor earn my respect. I had no idea she existed until this oh-so-Ran-like voice started yelling nonsensical encouragements. But well for some reason she stuck and tends to sometimes yell even more nonsensical encouragements. She hasn't been much of use, just like the name implies
.
Next we have Charles Junior. He is a Kishin(Google Soul Eater) in a five year old boy's body. His mind is sort of like that as well, he decides whether he finds a human pretty or not and according to that you either die a gruesome death or a more gruesome death. He can't stand ugly people, so he kills them. He loves beautiful people so he turns them into one of his paintings. I'm not going into details with that one. But he usually pretends to be this cute and sweet boy as long as other people have something he wants. He has no memories of what was before he turned into a Kishin, but it probably wasn't nice or else he wouldn't have gone mad. I have no idea, how old he is, but he has been around a while, so his child's mind has developed this slightly mature edge which I can experience the most when he is simply glaring at me before continuing with one of his paintings(a normal one, luckily. If he isn't busy with killing people, he paints beautiful paintings with the normal kind of oil paint.). He is also immensely attached to his teddy bear [Yes, its head has been torn off once. Yes, Charles was the one who did it. But he fixed(read: had it fixed)it later.]
Charles Senior is probably the oldest and he is a Chevalier(Google Blood+). I have this really weird attachment to him, which is deepened by the fact that the Charles I am referring to is the one from the manga adaption. He doesn't appear in the anime(another Carl or Charles appears, but he is nothing like my Charles. At least in my biased opinion). But anyways, he's a blood-sucking monster who despises humans and after he lost the favour of his creator Diva, he has been doing his own thing. Yes, he is quite attached to Diva. But it might have been me reading too much cross-overs, but then I started thinking it would be awesome if he'd be existing somewhere in my mind. I have a nice location imagined where he should have resided at first. I should sketch it down at some point. But yeah, he hates humans and amazingly so, he doesn't talk much.
Daniel is a vampire king(no, not the sparkly kind one. Nice try though). He is this flirty character, who constantly smirks and always is two steps ahead(a male Chiaki so to say). He is a mad hatter and very possessive as well. I am keeping this incredibly short, because you will basically find out his personality when you read about Chiaki. They're really not that different.
Suzaku(I'm leaving Chiaki for last) is the one who is doing the job Motivation-san is supposed to do. He urges me to be hard working at moments and he is kind and gentle and very adorable in his own way. But he can be kind of an idiot, very stubborn at some points and incredibly easy to bully. But he keeps Lelouch company.
Lelouch is basically copied from Code Geass(or well, his history and maniacal laugh. Ah...his laugh...). His personality might have suffered the damage of being left open to a fangirl. So he is my courteous black knight, in shiny armor with his awesome superpower and a good mind. And I could probably go on and on, on how awesome he is, but the main two things that one should know about this one in my head are a) he apparently can't stand me and b) he constantly complains about the lack of space. Anyways, this base type character(with the stereotypish looks an all, only under different names) has managed to sneak himself into almost every story I have thought of. And it has been only two years since I first found out about him. Ah yes, my Lulu dislikes being called Lulu(can't blame him though, I find that nickname ridiculous). Owari(the end).
Now last but not least, Chiaki. Full name is Kuroda Chiaki and she is my all-purpose type character. She is the character, who just conveniently enters the story(knowing two thirds of the actual plot) and then acts as this sort of constantly smirking mentor. She usually is on the good guy's side and is special one way or another. God's daughter, rather powerful shinigami, the super rich and traumatized kid who accidentally broke the machine which just so happened to bring a bunch of anime characters into her world, you name it. She can be everything. I would say, call her Mary Sue, but no one really falls in love with her. Because she has her Lulu stereotype. Not to mention she can be immortal as well. But yeah, she likes to help the characters whose side she is on, she usually recognizes the good guys(two thirds of the plot!) and well she is either incredibly useful, or of no use at all. She is sort of an actor. And she likes to mock-cry, fake mock-hurt to the point of being overdramatic (as seen in the post before the last one). Her personality always has this nuances that change depending on the situation(and the story). My all-purpose type character.
Funnily enough, although Chiaki has her stereotype character, I don't think I have ever couple her together with the actual real deal. Well neither have I tried inserting Daniel and Chiaki into one story( but Chiaki isn't exactly the type to go to Hogwarts as well...). Though I am sure Chaos would ensue if those two ever got into one story. I must shudder at that thought.
And now this final last idea. There are people, who understand you well, really well. They can tell if something is wrong and they usually try to comfort you then(whether it is successful or not, depends). You can write about your feelings and later when asking them, they can basically tell you what you want to tell the world. And then there are people who are two world's apart from you. No matter how much you try to talk with them and understand them, your biggest ability to tell that something is not right is simply based on incredibly misplaced behavior. You won't get to know them really and sometimes, when you try, you get hurt in the process. And then after a while, the most stupid thoughts pop into your head. Heh, best friends but nothing changed. Pffft. Fun fact is, that said person won't remember this as well.
I am not suicidal(I just started wanting to get hit by a lightning bolt for no real reason. That wanting was incredibly amazing though.),
H.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
I want.
I want to drive someone crazy.
I want to get hit by lightning.
I want to run outside in the rain.
I want to paint a picture.
I want to write "A guide on how to deal with idiots." for future reference.
I want to hurt someone.
I want to mess up my life.
I want to stop thinking.
I want to become an ice block.
I want to take my emotions and feelings and throw them into a trash bin.
I want to set that bin on fire.
I want to forget.
I want to stop my dreams.
I want to control my subconsciousness.
I want to become a panda, whose job is to be a panda.
I want to write down every single thought I will ever think and then laugh at it later.
I want to calm down.
At least now I know that I can't cry in a dream.
I want to get hit by lightning.
I want to run outside in the rain.
I want to paint a picture.
I want to write "A guide on how to deal with idiots." for future reference.
I want to hurt someone.
I want to mess up my life.
I want to stop thinking.
I want to become an ice block.
I want to take my emotions and feelings and throw them into a trash bin.
I want to set that bin on fire.
I want to forget.
I want to stop my dreams.
I want to control my subconsciousness.
I want to become a panda, whose job is to be a panda.
I want to write down every single thought I will ever think and then laugh at it later.
I want to calm down.
At least now I know that I can't cry in a dream.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Redirecting my anger.
"Stupid machine!" Chiaki said through her gritted teeth while she gave the contraption another kick.
"Stop it! You'll break it!" Suzaku looked flabbergasted. Chiaki paid no heed to his words, she kept kicking the machine. Suzaku was about to go to the white-haired girl and restrain her, but a pale white hand stopped him.
"Leave it be. In the current situation, it doesn't matter. You saw the thing before. It was going crazy." The owner of the hand said in a calm manner. Suzaku wanted to protest, but another voice interfered.
"Lulu is right. Perhaps it is even better, if Chiaki is the one wrecking it." The deep bass said and even Chiaki, who had been busy breaking the machinery into tiny little pieces, looked up. A small smirk adorned her face.
"No -chan today? That's quite unusual." She commented dryly. Daniel returned her smirk.
"Well, we do have quite the curious situation going on here, don't you think? Chiaki-chan?" He made sure to put an emphasis on every syllable of her name, including the suffix as well. Seeing that he had returned normal, the white-haired girl turned back to destroying the machine, which was followed immediately by Suzaku's protests.
"But this is rather strange. I knew she couldn't handle things well, but to get agitated now...I thought she had distanced herself? That's what the quiet beeping means, doesn't it?" Daniel started the conversation, smirk still in place.
"Yes, she distanced herself. But you know the girl.You've seen her these past few days. Constantly angering herself. Directing that anger at other people. Realizing her wrong-doings. Confusing herself over and over." Lelouch ran a hand through his hair, his frustration clearly showing. Chiaki stopped wrecking the metal, Suzaku stopped his protests, Charles, who had been quiet and painting all the time stopped painting while the other Charles raised his head and even Daniel stopped smirking for a second.
Seeing their astonished faces, Lelouch couldn't help but ask irritatedly, "What?"
"No, it just sounded like...never mind." Suzaku was the first one to speak, but to Lelouch's surprise, he didn't have the guts to finish his sentence. Meanwhile, Chiaki's eyes filled with tears and she flung herself at Daniel, where they both collapsed into one sobbing mess.
"It sounds as if Lulu cares! My god, the world is coming to an end!" Chiaki cried out, clinging more desperately to Daniel and letting out some more fake-tears and mock-sobs. Daniel did exactly the same and Lelouch stared at the pair with bewilderment on his face.
"Oh for the love of...it's that dumb machine! It's leaking out her emotions!" Lelouch accused the now smoking pile of scrap metal. The Daniel-Chiaki combo immediately stopped their act and both had the same look of disappointment on their face.
"And here I thought he actually started caring..." Chiaki didn't even bother whispering to Daniel.
"I know right? I-" Daniel's exclamation was cut off by a rumbling sounding throughout the room.
Charles closed the book he was reading and suppressed a sigh. "It's starting again." He remarked with a monotonous voice.
"Now this is reason for concern. Charles never speaks. Now we've only got to get the Charles Junior to stop painting and then the world is really ending." Chiaki mentioned as they started heading for one of the numerous doors surrounding them.
"I've actually wondered for some time now, but why do we have two Charles'?" Suzaku asked out loud. His question was followed but more rumbling, this time louder, as the room started to collapse. The group started to run, leaving Charles Junior to paint.
"Sorry Suzaku, this is neither the time, nor the place. Now let's see what's behind that door..." Chiaki started mumbling to herself, opening a door. She peeked inside it for a moment, shook her head and proceeded to the next one.
"Nope. That's just Lulu and I playing chess. Wouldn't want to interrupt that one. Nope, this is fanfiction, definitely not the place to be. Oh dear god-" Chiaki gasped after peeking inside another door. That must have been the fiftieth door or so and Chiaki collapsed in front of it, eyes wide and unseeing. Daniel slammed the door shut and quickly marked the door with a red X. Lelouch helped the girl up and the group moved on.
"What was that door?" Suzaku, being the newest to be there, asked. All of his seniors shuddered for a moment before Chiaki answered. Even the room around them seemed to start collapsing faster, as if knowing what words were about to come and trying to prevent them in its blind loathing.
"Her view on reality."
"Stop it! You'll break it!" Suzaku looked flabbergasted. Chiaki paid no heed to his words, she kept kicking the machine. Suzaku was about to go to the white-haired girl and restrain her, but a pale white hand stopped him.
"Leave it be. In the current situation, it doesn't matter. You saw the thing before. It was going crazy." The owner of the hand said in a calm manner. Suzaku wanted to protest, but another voice interfered.
"Lulu is right. Perhaps it is even better, if Chiaki is the one wrecking it." The deep bass said and even Chiaki, who had been busy breaking the machinery into tiny little pieces, looked up. A small smirk adorned her face.
"No -chan today? That's quite unusual." She commented dryly. Daniel returned her smirk.
"Well, we do have quite the curious situation going on here, don't you think? Chiaki-chan?" He made sure to put an emphasis on every syllable of her name, including the suffix as well. Seeing that he had returned normal, the white-haired girl turned back to destroying the machine, which was followed immediately by Suzaku's protests.
"But this is rather strange. I knew she couldn't handle things well, but to get agitated now...I thought she had distanced herself? That's what the quiet beeping means, doesn't it?" Daniel started the conversation, smirk still in place.
"Yes, she distanced herself. But you know the girl.You've seen her these past few days. Constantly angering herself. Directing that anger at other people. Realizing her wrong-doings. Confusing herself over and over." Lelouch ran a hand through his hair, his frustration clearly showing. Chiaki stopped wrecking the metal, Suzaku stopped his protests, Charles, who had been quiet and painting all the time stopped painting while the other Charles raised his head and even Daniel stopped smirking for a second.
Seeing their astonished faces, Lelouch couldn't help but ask irritatedly, "What?"
"No, it just sounded like...never mind." Suzaku was the first one to speak, but to Lelouch's surprise, he didn't have the guts to finish his sentence. Meanwhile, Chiaki's eyes filled with tears and she flung herself at Daniel, where they both collapsed into one sobbing mess.
"It sounds as if Lulu cares! My god, the world is coming to an end!" Chiaki cried out, clinging more desperately to Daniel and letting out some more fake-tears and mock-sobs. Daniel did exactly the same and Lelouch stared at the pair with bewilderment on his face.
"Oh for the love of...it's that dumb machine! It's leaking out her emotions!" Lelouch accused the now smoking pile of scrap metal. The Daniel-Chiaki combo immediately stopped their act and both had the same look of disappointment on their face.
"And here I thought he actually started caring..." Chiaki didn't even bother whispering to Daniel.
"I know right? I-" Daniel's exclamation was cut off by a rumbling sounding throughout the room.
Charles closed the book he was reading and suppressed a sigh. "It's starting again." He remarked with a monotonous voice.
"Now this is reason for concern. Charles never speaks. Now we've only got to get the Charles Junior to stop painting and then the world is really ending." Chiaki mentioned as they started heading for one of the numerous doors surrounding them.
"I've actually wondered for some time now, but why do we have two Charles'?" Suzaku asked out loud. His question was followed but more rumbling, this time louder, as the room started to collapse. The group started to run, leaving Charles Junior to paint.
"Sorry Suzaku, this is neither the time, nor the place. Now let's see what's behind that door..." Chiaki started mumbling to herself, opening a door. She peeked inside it for a moment, shook her head and proceeded to the next one.
"Nope. That's just Lulu and I playing chess. Wouldn't want to interrupt that one. Nope, this is fanfiction, definitely not the place to be. Oh dear god-" Chiaki gasped after peeking inside another door. That must have been the fiftieth door or so and Chiaki collapsed in front of it, eyes wide and unseeing. Daniel slammed the door shut and quickly marked the door with a red X. Lelouch helped the girl up and the group moved on.
"What was that door?" Suzaku, being the newest to be there, asked. All of his seniors shuddered for a moment before Chiaki answered. Even the room around them seemed to start collapsing faster, as if knowing what words were about to come and trying to prevent them in its blind loathing.
"Her view on reality."
Friday, June 29, 2012
Altering realities.
I should probably make this post quick and short. Because we do have our first performance tomorrow and a little bit of sleep wouldn't be bad.
Today's most awesome points were the half an hour I got to do nothing and the moment when it started raining like mad. Oh how I love the weather.
We arrived this morning with my German(or codename Cabbage, since the Germans were smart and at one point in Estonia realized, that when saksa was mentioned, then it was about them) and we had still half an hour before the others would arrive. So I went to the chairs(which make quite the convenient bed) and started listening to music. And while doing that, I started imagine these quite nice(although impossible) what ifs. And I enjoyed myself a lot when doing that. So I was quite annoyed when it turned out that some people were going to be late and we had to do some theater excercises in the meanwhile. But at least my mrning started out well.
The rain brought me on a new idea as well. And I love the rain so it cheered me up a lot. So I have been bouncing around like some ball of happiness, getting along with people whom I usually don't socialise with and do silly stuff.
But I loved the what ifs the most, cause they were so lovely and it is quite curious to think about them. they are absurd, they have no base, yet they kind of cheer you up(despite the fact that you are listening to not so happy music). Just like these small mistakes that happen in the pratice of the play. I mean, isn't it nice when you suddenly lose your stomach? Finally you seem less pregnant(because a pillow under your shirt does look like you're about eight months pregnant) and everyone gets to laugh as well.
So this should be about it. Ah yes, I like huggy people, I have huggy people around, I'm leaving a lot of weird impressions here, but I don't care and the dream I first saw when I arrived was retarded.
I had no coffee today,
H.
Today's most awesome points were the half an hour I got to do nothing and the moment when it started raining like mad. Oh how I love the weather.
We arrived this morning with my German(or codename Cabbage, since the Germans were smart and at one point in Estonia realized, that when saksa was mentioned, then it was about them) and we had still half an hour before the others would arrive. So I went to the chairs(which make quite the convenient bed) and started listening to music. And while doing that, I started imagine these quite nice(although impossible) what ifs. And I enjoyed myself a lot when doing that. So I was quite annoyed when it turned out that some people were going to be late and we had to do some theater excercises in the meanwhile. But at least my mrning started out well.
The rain brought me on a new idea as well. And I love the rain so it cheered me up a lot. So I have been bouncing around like some ball of happiness, getting along with people whom I usually don't socialise with and do silly stuff.
But I loved the what ifs the most, cause they were so lovely and it is quite curious to think about them. they are absurd, they have no base, yet they kind of cheer you up(despite the fact that you are listening to not so happy music). Just like these small mistakes that happen in the pratice of the play. I mean, isn't it nice when you suddenly lose your stomach? Finally you seem less pregnant(because a pillow under your shirt does look like you're about eight months pregnant) and everyone gets to laugh as well.
So this should be about it. Ah yes, I like huggy people, I have huggy people around, I'm leaving a lot of weird impressions here, but I don't care and the dream I first saw when I arrived was retarded.
I had no coffee today,
H.
Midnight Madness.
Because I am out of titles. Seriously. Okay, I might have had a few and forgotten all about them, but it doesn't matter. Since I am in this quite not so sane mind.
Whichever zodiac thingy said that Tauruses are good with money can go...yeah, I'm not going to finish that sentence. And now you know.
I survived another day. I have been convinced from day one, that at one point, a car will come and run me over. So everyday I am sitting down to write a blogpost will count as a success. Yay for overthinking!
The weather was so lovely today. It started out with those greyish clouds, but fairly warm weather and in the evening it became even more warmer. And it rained occasionally. Unfortunately, I was not dressed correctly, meaning I had to die in my completely black clothing(Theater proben! You gotta love them). But riding home was quite lovely.
I miss a scent. I wouldn't have started missing it, but I did, since it seems that everyone wants to talk about scents at once. And now I miss this scent since I haven't smelled it for so long.
I also want to talk to certain people. I'm not sure whether I want to talk to them to tell them that they are very precious to me or to just call them idiots again and leave them be. I guess it would depend on the mood I am in and what sort of nonsense people can be spouting.
It's amazing what I can do in order to either get myself hurt or to lose some sort of attachment. I am not sure which one I am trying, but I have a feeling that Karma will somehow get revenge. But well, I've still got...4 days before any sort of greater depression can take place again. Yay for 90% Randomness.
I walked past a photo shop(cause I really don't have a better name for it now) and they had marriage pictures there. It made me want to draw one for the same theme and made me sort of sad. I am not exactly sure why, but well, we can all guess what it is. So I am going to be a busy body again. Once I actually get "home".
I loved the moon we had out here, but my phone was sort of not functioning so I couldn't take a picture.
I also know a lot more on sicherzellen anenämie(if I remember correclty). I haven't had biology in a year, yet I could understand what they were talking about. I feel proud.
Mkay, I am too tired to continue now. Who wants this sort of gibberish anyways?
It's nice to know that people don't even bother trying,
H.
Whichever zodiac thingy said that Tauruses are good with money can go...yeah, I'm not going to finish that sentence. And now you know.
I survived another day. I have been convinced from day one, that at one point, a car will come and run me over. So everyday I am sitting down to write a blogpost will count as a success. Yay for overthinking!
The weather was so lovely today. It started out with those greyish clouds, but fairly warm weather and in the evening it became even more warmer. And it rained occasionally. Unfortunately, I was not dressed correctly, meaning I had to die in my completely black clothing(Theater proben! You gotta love them). But riding home was quite lovely.
I miss a scent. I wouldn't have started missing it, but I did, since it seems that everyone wants to talk about scents at once. And now I miss this scent since I haven't smelled it for so long.
I also want to talk to certain people. I'm not sure whether I want to talk to them to tell them that they are very precious to me or to just call them idiots again and leave them be. I guess it would depend on the mood I am in and what sort of nonsense people can be spouting.
It's amazing what I can do in order to either get myself hurt or to lose some sort of attachment. I am not sure which one I am trying, but I have a feeling that Karma will somehow get revenge. But well, I've still got...4 days before any sort of greater depression can take place again. Yay for 90% Randomness.
I walked past a photo shop(cause I really don't have a better name for it now) and they had marriage pictures there. It made me want to draw one for the same theme and made me sort of sad. I am not exactly sure why, but well, we can all guess what it is. So I am going to be a busy body again. Once I actually get "home".
I loved the moon we had out here, but my phone was sort of not functioning so I couldn't take a picture.
I also know a lot more on sicherzellen anenämie(if I remember correclty). I haven't had biology in a year, yet I could understand what they were talking about. I feel proud.
Mkay, I am too tired to continue now. Who wants this sort of gibberish anyways?
It's nice to know that people don't even bother trying,
H.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
World is mine.
"One,two,three-" Bang!
Another one slumped down, but it didn't matter to Chiaki.
"One,two,three-" Bang!
She was tired. She was irritated. But yet, she felt completely emotionless.
"One,two,three-" Bang!
Two of them tried to switch places. She shot them both and continued counting.
"One,two,three-" Bang!
It was hours later, when the sun had already set that she was finally done with this numbing work.
"All right, that's it for today." She addressed her soldiers. And remember...
The World isn't yours.
You belong to the World.
The sun had long set by then, when Chiaki finally settled into her quarters, preparing for the next day. It was then when she made the fatal mistake of relaxing her mind and letting her curiosity take over.
Why four?
The excruciating pain hit almost immediately. She collapsed on the ground, her mouth open in a silent scream. One thought kept ringing through her head, a continuous mantra of "I'm sorry", but the pain didn't lessen. So she had no choice but to bear it, until the World was satisfied.
Nobody knew what exactly the World was. Some considered it a virus, which attacked the brain, leaving the person in a sort of brain-washed state, serving someone who didn't exist. Some claimed it was a human, an evil mastermind who had managed to pull the strings so successfully, charming millions of people without ever havig to show his face. But Chiaki knew better. Everyone in the army knew better.
The World was God.
It was a God and they had been the chosen ones. They were born with the World leading them, teaching them right path. The World knew what was good for them. The World would reward them if it was pleased.
But the World didn't tolerate curiosity.
The World didn't tolerate disobedience.
The World didn't tolerate humans.
Chiaki had stopped wondering ages ago, what the World was thinking. It was a fact, that it couldn't tolerate humans. But she had her own theories about it, theories, hidden in parts of her brain, which the World would never be able to access.
Her subconscious.
Her dreams.
Everything she couldn't contemplate, everything she couldn't think about at day time, everything she felt was released in her dreams.
It was the only place where she could develop something called a personality.
It was the only place where she could feel free.
And she loved every minute of it.
She didn't know why, but she had some sort of dislike towards the World. Perhaps it was because it seemed so controlling, yet she had many times suspected, that it couldn't live without a human vessel.
Perhaps it was the constant torturing.
Perhaps it was simple the fact that the World didn't even bother to talk to her anymore.
The door opened and a dark figure slipped in. The uniform was definitely belonging to one of her men, but she didn't know anybody who had glowing red eyes.
It was only when the figure kicked her that she realized that it was the World personally. It was the main body so to say, the human, who had no consciousness of their own, someone, who wasn't really human anymore.
The pain she had felt in her brain lessened, but the physical beating had yet to start.
It was probably after the fourth kick that she started losing consciousness. Again, she could only think.
Why four?
(I apologize for any mistakes. I am not in the exact state to write right now, but I thought, that if I didn't finish this now, I never would complete it. Also, this story is inspired by the song World is mine. Though only by title.)
Another one slumped down, but it didn't matter to Chiaki.
"One,two,three-" Bang!
She was tired. She was irritated. But yet, she felt completely emotionless.
"One,two,three-" Bang!
Two of them tried to switch places. She shot them both and continued counting.
"One,two,three-" Bang!
It was hours later, when the sun had already set that she was finally done with this numbing work.
"All right, that's it for today." She addressed her soldiers. And remember...
The World isn't yours.
You belong to the World.
The sun had long set by then, when Chiaki finally settled into her quarters, preparing for the next day. It was then when she made the fatal mistake of relaxing her mind and letting her curiosity take over.
Why four?
The excruciating pain hit almost immediately. She collapsed on the ground, her mouth open in a silent scream. One thought kept ringing through her head, a continuous mantra of "I'm sorry", but the pain didn't lessen. So she had no choice but to bear it, until the World was satisfied.
Nobody knew what exactly the World was. Some considered it a virus, which attacked the brain, leaving the person in a sort of brain-washed state, serving someone who didn't exist. Some claimed it was a human, an evil mastermind who had managed to pull the strings so successfully, charming millions of people without ever havig to show his face. But Chiaki knew better. Everyone in the army knew better.
The World was God.
It was a God and they had been the chosen ones. They were born with the World leading them, teaching them right path. The World knew what was good for them. The World would reward them if it was pleased.
But the World didn't tolerate curiosity.
The World didn't tolerate disobedience.
The World didn't tolerate humans.
Chiaki had stopped wondering ages ago, what the World was thinking. It was a fact, that it couldn't tolerate humans. But she had her own theories about it, theories, hidden in parts of her brain, which the World would never be able to access.
Her subconscious.
Her dreams.
Everything she couldn't contemplate, everything she couldn't think about at day time, everything she felt was released in her dreams.
It was the only place where she could develop something called a personality.
It was the only place where she could feel free.
And she loved every minute of it.
She didn't know why, but she had some sort of dislike towards the World. Perhaps it was because it seemed so controlling, yet she had many times suspected, that it couldn't live without a human vessel.
Perhaps it was the constant torturing.
Perhaps it was simple the fact that the World didn't even bother to talk to her anymore.
The door opened and a dark figure slipped in. The uniform was definitely belonging to one of her men, but she didn't know anybody who had glowing red eyes.
It was only when the figure kicked her that she realized that it was the World personally. It was the main body so to say, the human, who had no consciousness of their own, someone, who wasn't really human anymore.
The pain she had felt in her brain lessened, but the physical beating had yet to start.
It was probably after the fourth kick that she started losing consciousness. Again, she could only think.
Why four?
(I apologize for any mistakes. I am not in the exact state to write right now, but I thought, that if I didn't finish this now, I never would complete it. Also, this story is inspired by the song World is mine. Though only by title.)
Room of Requirement
With the sub-titles:
I don't like the fact that my mood depends 90% on Random stuff and 10% on the weather. The opposite would be much more pleasant, because there is like...only one weather factor which manages to ruin my mood. It is called cold. Yeah, not that fond of cold.
So about our day two. Waking up was neat, although I was still tired. Breakfast was breakfast and then we made our way o the school, where we received a warm welcome, a tour and then we walked to the theater building, where we started focusing on the play. On the tour, the most pleasant sight were the attic and the library. The attic was huge(it had a tower as well) and was filled with awesome old wardrobes. So we dubbed it the Room of Requirement(slash gateway to Narnia). Because there were super Random(not my words, mind you) things there. And it was filled with wardrobes, which probably meant, that we wanted to go there. On another note, they had solar panels on their roof( the oldest ones were 15 years old and all of them were self-built. Those panels produce about a fifth of the electricity the school needs). The tower was also quite awesome(we found a dead pidgeon there). The library had its own Chamber of Secrets(I mean...it was in a cellar and what the hell does a library need a sink for?). The library was currently the meeting place of the government of the school. Meaning they had this interesting project, where the school would become a country for a certain amount of time(with their own money, government and such). The previous government(or was it some sort of Minister?) was removed, because they were plotting on creating a dictatorship. Which brought us also on the topic same topic applied to our own school. Mirko promised me that I would become Prime minister if I'd join his plot to take over that Treffnerian country(we agreed on a constitutional monarchy. He's the king). There were also a lot of chess boards in the library. It made me think how awesome it would be to just go and make this one starting move. And perhaps see other stat playing as well. Like...each time you pass by, you make a move. Of course it wouldn't work out well, since one can never know which turn it is or who it is that you are playing against(probably a lot of different people). But the thought in itself intrigued me.
The amount of times where I have thought, "It would be really awesome if someone with a red thread around their pinky finger walks past me" has occurred too many times(because I started wearing my red thread again. Thanks for noticing by the way.). So yeah, killing everything on this planet seems nice again. Though tiring. But well, the longer I am in this state, the more likely it is that I will end up getting number by the day. And the number I get, the better.
I purchased myself a mug with my favourite saying so that I could drink tea at any time of the day and feel loved at the same time. Oh how lovely this world can be sometimes.And it appears that I have lost a person to rant to as well. This makes me wish that I could control the effect I have on people. To save them from getting hurt(and me from feeling guilty about it. I think we established that I am selfish in an earlier post.). But if I could control the effect I have on people, then why not wish that I could control my feelings as well? So yeah, life is a bitch because if it's easy, then you are doing it wrong.
But the company I have here isn't bad at all(for I mingle with both the German and the Estonian group, belonging to neither). So I will try to forget my(non-existent) worries for some time, wear a frakk(because my English is giving up on me) and battle with the awesomeness of speaking three languages at once.
I should get used to overtiredness and an unhealthy amount of coffee,
H.
- First the excercise, then the shower! Not the opposite.
- "I want to kill everything in sight" still applies.
- I didn't know how uncomfortable I could feel without a ring.
- I'm slowly becoming a coffee addict.
- Ohne dich ist alles doof.
I don't like the fact that my mood depends 90% on Random stuff and 10% on the weather. The opposite would be much more pleasant, because there is like...only one weather factor which manages to ruin my mood. It is called cold. Yeah, not that fond of cold.
So about our day two. Waking up was neat, although I was still tired. Breakfast was breakfast and then we made our way o the school, where we received a warm welcome, a tour and then we walked to the theater building, where we started focusing on the play. On the tour, the most pleasant sight were the attic and the library. The attic was huge(it had a tower as well) and was filled with awesome old wardrobes. So we dubbed it the Room of Requirement(slash gateway to Narnia). Because there were super Random(not my words, mind you) things there. And it was filled with wardrobes, which probably meant, that we wanted to go there. On another note, they had solar panels on their roof( the oldest ones were 15 years old and all of them were self-built. Those panels produce about a fifth of the electricity the school needs). The tower was also quite awesome(we found a dead pidgeon there). The library had its own Chamber of Secrets(I mean...it was in a cellar and what the hell does a library need a sink for?). The library was currently the meeting place of the government of the school. Meaning they had this interesting project, where the school would become a country for a certain amount of time(with their own money, government and such). The previous government(or was it some sort of Minister?) was removed, because they were plotting on creating a dictatorship. Which brought us also on the topic same topic applied to our own school. Mirko promised me that I would become Prime minister if I'd join his plot to take over that Treffnerian country(we agreed on a constitutional monarchy. He's the king). There were also a lot of chess boards in the library. It made me think how awesome it would be to just go and make this one starting move. And perhaps see other stat playing as well. Like...each time you pass by, you make a move. Of course it wouldn't work out well, since one can never know which turn it is or who it is that you are playing against(probably a lot of different people). But the thought in itself intrigued me.
The amount of times where I have thought, "It would be really awesome if someone with a red thread around their pinky finger walks past me" has occurred too many times(because I started wearing my red thread again. Thanks for noticing by the way.). So yeah, killing everything on this planet seems nice again. Though tiring. But well, the longer I am in this state, the more likely it is that I will end up getting number by the day. And the number I get, the better.
I purchased myself a mug with my favourite saying so that I could drink tea at any time of the day and feel loved at the same time. Oh how lovely this world can be sometimes.And it appears that I have lost a person to rant to as well. This makes me wish that I could control the effect I have on people. To save them from getting hurt(and me from feeling guilty about it. I think we established that I am selfish in an earlier post.). But if I could control the effect I have on people, then why not wish that I could control my feelings as well? So yeah, life is a bitch because if it's easy, then you are doing it wrong.
But the company I have here isn't bad at all(for I mingle with both the German and the Estonian group, belonging to neither). So I will try to forget my(non-existent) worries for some time, wear a frakk(because my English is giving up on me) and battle with the awesomeness of speaking three languages at once.
I should get used to overtiredness and an unhealthy amount of coffee,
H.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Ich hab mich in ein Fahrrad verliebt...
Sadly, this love lasted only about 5 minutes. But it taught me a lot. I have bones. And that bicycle doesn't like my bones. Oh, if only human relationships would be that easy...Though, that is quite relative and depends on the point of view. But for now I shall continue with sighing...
A certain Shadow requested that I'd update my blog everyday, so I shall be attempting to do this. Though this means that there will be almost no meaning behind these posts, except all sorts of nostalgia highs and me possibly going crazy over anime stuff(Yes, there is actually a shop, and I have already someone to guide me there).
Oh well. Most of this day was spent on using all sorts of vehicles to get to this nice city called Lüneburg(which is really pretty by the way). Bus, plane, train, you name it. But it was quite fun. Especially the flying part.
Now, the actual reason why I really wanted to do a blog post is to state that I currently am again in a world hating mood. The "kill everything on sight kind of mood". So yeah. Now you know. Though I actually managed to get into an "I love life and stuff and I want to tell everyone about it" as well, thanks to riding a bike and enjoying the Germanness of the town called Lüneburg. The world hating mood was caused by our darling happy couple which we have here(not that I would blame them, but complexes and I..and stuff).
Ich verliere hier meinen Verstand(aber nur, weil ich Müde bin),
H.
P.S: What would you think about a world, where you fall in love with a person based on one trait? And that love would disappear when you find another trait you seem to dislike?
A certain Shadow requested that I'd update my blog everyday, so I shall be attempting to do this. Though this means that there will be almost no meaning behind these posts, except all sorts of nostalgia highs and me possibly going crazy over anime stuff(Yes, there is actually a shop, and I have already someone to guide me there).
Oh well. Most of this day was spent on using all sorts of vehicles to get to this nice city called Lüneburg(which is really pretty by the way). Bus, plane, train, you name it. But it was quite fun. Especially the flying part.
Now, the actual reason why I really wanted to do a blog post is to state that I currently am again in a world hating mood. The "kill everything on sight kind of mood". So yeah. Now you know. Though I actually managed to get into an "I love life and stuff and I want to tell everyone about it" as well, thanks to riding a bike and enjoying the Germanness of the town called Lüneburg. The world hating mood was caused by our darling happy couple which we have here(not that I would blame them, but complexes and I..and stuff).
Ich verliere hier meinen Verstand(aber nur, weil ich Müde bin),
H.
P.S: What would you think about a world, where you fall in love with a person based on one trait? And that love would disappear when you find another trait you seem to dislike?
Sunday, June 24, 2012
All hail painkillers!
With the sub-titles:
1/2 Prince is awesome. It always makes me smile. But there also those most ridiculous situations, where I can only think, "Ouch. That hurts.". Luckily, the bizarre plot makes up for it. Only one more volume to go and then I am finished with it. Unfortunately, that volume hasn't been translated yet. So I have to busy myself with another awesome novel by Yu Wo until they have finally translated it. They should update the manhua as well.
Again I find myself in a situation, where I just want to take all my feelings, stuff them into a trash can and set that can on fire. Going to my grandparents' place, where I have really nothing to do to get my mind off of things, is also not helping. So I was going mad until yesterday. Doesn't mean that getting back home stops me from going mad. No, I am quite sure that these thoughts will haunt me for an extended period of time. I tried to get Charles to keep those thoughts away from me, but he's mad at me. Or well, he has always hated me, but last time, he did accept my thoughts(okay, they were certainly a different kind of thoughts, but hey, thoughts are thoughts, right?). So...any idea how to please a demon child who is obsessed with beauty?
I want to write. I want to write a lot. I have three ideas for blog posts, but I think only two are going to make it here. Because it is definitely too early for "42 things about me, now and then". But if we're lucky, then I actually manage to finish this post and an other post, which hopefully will not somehow turn sappy. Because it is already getting off topic.
I just confirmed something. And I got really distracted by this confirmation. I should start writing in script format again. I already feel sorry for Lulu...and myself whenever I actually post that thing. It's been over a year, hasn't it? Ahahaha...people will definitely not be pleased.
My feelings have definitely not been tampered with. But I sort of feel like I have been manipulated a lot and now I am trying to figure out how much has there been truth and how much has there been manipulative stuff. I can definitely not take real life as some sort of...way to tell apart truth from lies. Not that there would have been lies, but actions and words just don't match up.
I am feeling guilty. I am feeling selfish. I am having second doubts I am not supposed to have. But let's push these thoughts away. It's only two days until I get my vacation after all.
Yesterday we had lovely weather. I was out for only twenty minutes and got drenched from head to toe. I didn't even notice it. Another nice thing was the cotton candy. I've been craving for it for two months now and I finally got lucky. The first piece of fluff put me in high spirits.
Meow,
H.
(Are Randoms bishies?)
- With the bishie you must part.
- I want...,I don't want...
1/2 Prince is awesome. It always makes me smile. But there also those most ridiculous situations, where I can only think, "Ouch. That hurts.". Luckily, the bizarre plot makes up for it. Only one more volume to go and then I am finished with it. Unfortunately, that volume hasn't been translated yet. So I have to busy myself with another awesome novel by Yu Wo until they have finally translated it. They should update the manhua as well.
Again I find myself in a situation, where I just want to take all my feelings, stuff them into a trash can and set that can on fire. Going to my grandparents' place, where I have really nothing to do to get my mind off of things, is also not helping. So I was going mad until yesterday. Doesn't mean that getting back home stops me from going mad. No, I am quite sure that these thoughts will haunt me for an extended period of time. I tried to get Charles to keep those thoughts away from me, but he's mad at me. Or well, he has always hated me, but last time, he did accept my thoughts(okay, they were certainly a different kind of thoughts, but hey, thoughts are thoughts, right?). So...any idea how to please a demon child who is obsessed with beauty?
I want to write. I want to write a lot. I have three ideas for blog posts, but I think only two are going to make it here. Because it is definitely too early for "42 things about me, now and then". But if we're lucky, then I actually manage to finish this post and an other post, which hopefully will not somehow turn sappy. Because it is already getting off topic.
I just confirmed something. And I got really distracted by this confirmation. I should start writing in script format again. I already feel sorry for Lulu...and myself whenever I actually post that thing. It's been over a year, hasn't it? Ahahaha...people will definitely not be pleased.
My feelings have definitely not been tampered with. But I sort of feel like I have been manipulated a lot and now I am trying to figure out how much has there been truth and how much has there been manipulative stuff. I can definitely not take real life as some sort of...way to tell apart truth from lies. Not that there would have been lies, but actions and words just don't match up.
I am feeling guilty. I am feeling selfish. I am having second doubts I am not supposed to have. But let's push these thoughts away. It's only two days until I get my vacation after all.
Yesterday we had lovely weather. I was out for only twenty minutes and got drenched from head to toe. I didn't even notice it. Another nice thing was the cotton candy. I've been craving for it for two months now and I finally got lucky. The first piece of fluff put me in high spirits.
Meow,
H.
(Are Randoms bishies?)
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Rambledom?
Dealing with flights can be bothersome. And I still have to write a rant to the Germans because there isn't enough football in the program(why do I rant? Because I am the favourite child of the main enemy so to say and I have, in theory, a vocabulary to rant with). Oh well.
Although like two thirds of you already know this, but I started this weird project. It involves covering one of the walls in my room with quotes written in calligraphy letters. I have no idea how it'll turn out or how long it'll take me to finish it. But I shall try my best. And I got to search for awesome quotes from Lulu. They are quite enlightening and support me when I am blaming everyone else for my problems or decide to do something.
I have finally caught up on Fairy Tail. It's kind of sad, but now I have something to look forward to every week. And I have two months' worth of anime waiting for me. Not to mention the movie schedule that is currently being developed. It almost seems like a busy summer. And then I thought,"Hey, why not make an Erza costume as well?". Because I've been feeling very determined to do stuff currently.
Feeling very determined might be caused by my lovely...mood from last week. It feels like I am trying to make up for it. Like trying to reach the peak as fast as possible. And I also managed to convince myself in changing...which hasn't been showing really but I think that it might help me a little in the future. Or I just might scare people off. But either way, I am busying myself with thoughts about trying and not being afraid(as in I finally show my Gryffindork side...I never thought this would happen), because I have a nice premonition. Wanna bet that my good mood will be gone by/on Friday?
I recently discovered that love is not beautiful. The question popped into my mind one day and it was sort of astonishing, considering that I had always considered it a beautiful thing without thinking actually. As to why the question popped into my mind...I better not talk about that. Dark days, dark days...
Another thing I thought about and discussed with my imagination was bringing fictional characters into reality. Our mutual agreement was that we would not want them here. Because I have already created myself the perfect image of Lulu and as my imagination so fittingly put it, if he'd exist in real life, then I'd find out he wasn't that perfect after all. which would be another great disappointment of many. And this disappointment would be only the tip of the iceberg. So I shall hope that technology will advance to the point where it is almost lifelike and live happily ever after. Yes, Lulu is and always will be my obsession and he was the one who raised my standards. Ravens are always appreciated.
Another thing I'd like to mention is that my previous post does reflect part of my emotions, but the ending is complete rubbish. It has nothing to do with what I feel, but the story was already going so down that I could possibly not do anything else than add a sappy ending to it. Perhaps I tried to create myself some fake hope. And perhaps I succeeded. The title however is the name I gave to Chiaki's shinigami sword. It should mean Dream god, though I am probably missing a no there (in which it would be Yume no Kami or Dream's god.)
Curiousity is a curious thing. I actually realised that if I could be given the option to kill someone and get away with it, I would do it because I would like to know what it feels like. How about you?
I've also been itching to make some sort of incredibly fanfictionish post here, namely something for the Potter fandom, but I doubt I will ever get there. But it would be nice if I could write something again(I've kind of getting used to writing these nonsensical texts and facepalming when people fail to notice the importance behind it). Yes, it is that bad.
Coin tosses are fun, I had another crazy idea, I feel kind of abusive right now,
H.
Although like two thirds of you already know this, but I started this weird project. It involves covering one of the walls in my room with quotes written in calligraphy letters. I have no idea how it'll turn out or how long it'll take me to finish it. But I shall try my best. And I got to search for awesome quotes from Lulu. They are quite enlightening and support me when I am blaming everyone else for my problems or decide to do something.
I have finally caught up on Fairy Tail. It's kind of sad, but now I have something to look forward to every week. And I have two months' worth of anime waiting for me. Not to mention the movie schedule that is currently being developed. It almost seems like a busy summer. And then I thought,"Hey, why not make an Erza costume as well?". Because I've been feeling very determined to do stuff currently.
Feeling very determined might be caused by my lovely...mood from last week. It feels like I am trying to make up for it. Like trying to reach the peak as fast as possible. And I also managed to convince myself in changing...which hasn't been showing really but I think that it might help me a little in the future. Or I just might scare people off. But either way, I am busying myself with thoughts about trying and not being afraid(as in I finally show my Gryffindork side...I never thought this would happen), because I have a nice premonition. Wanna bet that my good mood will be gone by/on Friday?
I recently discovered that love is not beautiful. The question popped into my mind one day and it was sort of astonishing, considering that I had always considered it a beautiful thing without thinking actually. As to why the question popped into my mind...I better not talk about that. Dark days, dark days...
Another thing I thought about and discussed with my imagination was bringing fictional characters into reality. Our mutual agreement was that we would not want them here. Because I have already created myself the perfect image of Lulu and as my imagination so fittingly put it, if he'd exist in real life, then I'd find out he wasn't that perfect after all. which would be another great disappointment of many. And this disappointment would be only the tip of the iceberg. So I shall hope that technology will advance to the point where it is almost lifelike and live happily ever after. Yes, Lulu is and always will be my obsession and he was the one who raised my standards. Ravens are always appreciated.
Another thing I'd like to mention is that my previous post does reflect part of my emotions, but the ending is complete rubbish. It has nothing to do with what I feel, but the story was already going so down that I could possibly not do anything else than add a sappy ending to it. Perhaps I tried to create myself some fake hope. And perhaps I succeeded. The title however is the name I gave to Chiaki's shinigami sword. It should mean Dream god, though I am probably missing a no there (in which it would be Yume no Kami or Dream's god.)
Curiousity is a curious thing. I actually realised that if I could be given the option to kill someone and get away with it, I would do it because I would like to know what it feels like. How about you?
I've also been itching to make some sort of incredibly fanfictionish post here, namely something for the Potter fandom, but I doubt I will ever get there. But it would be nice if I could write something again(I've kind of getting used to writing these nonsensical texts and facepalming when people fail to notice the importance behind it). Yes, it is that bad.
Coin tosses are fun, I had another crazy idea, I feel kind of abusive right now,
H.
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