Volume two.

The headache is still there...
I'm done with being angry.
I should learn to appreciate stuff.
The dreams keep on getting weirder.
I finally started the new arc in Fairy Tail.
It has been so long since I actually have had a decent conversation in msn. I quite enjoyed it.
My notebook problem has been solved.
I do not care.
I think it is a good idea to know simply focus on the Germans arrival.
It is also a good idea to talk to people I do not usually talk to or avoid talking to people I talk to everyday.
The score is two to zero with blue leading.
Why am I telling you guys this?
Otome Nadeshiko Koi Techou brought back a desire to watch some sappy romance anime. I have no idea when I actually get to it though.
The more the day passes, the more I have this ridiculous feeling that summer is approaching.
I have a box of strawberries in my kitchen.
I'd try openly ranting, but I am done with being angry.
I want to explain but at the same time, I do not.
Writing my thoughts out properly is too mainstream.
I should probably eat.
I still need to edit my story. Though I have long forgotten about the changes I wished to make.
I want to go to Germany.
My brother had to go to school on a Saturday. I love Gymnasium.
Dengeki Daisy is also quite sappy. I wonder if it has an anime?
I didn't go to practice yesterday, yet my body feels as if I did go there.
I should probably learn the backflip. Not for another week though.
I'm not sure but I think my mind is going in circles again.
Abstract nonsense.
My room looks messier than before.
I toughened up and got rid of all the junk in my room I didn't need.
I'm not sure whether there is now more room on my desk though.
I still miss (s)Sunshine after all. Although it is sunny.
I wonder whether I should bake a cake or just bring some sweets to school.
I shall definitely busy my mind with pointless questions like that.
I'm probably a bother to the whole family right now. But it'll pass in a week.
The number 17 is curiously queer. It seems so pointless.
I just got a weird thought on facebook notifications.
My desk would be a lot cleaner if it weren't for my brother.
I blame other people for things I am actually at fault.
I've written an introduction for a rant that hasn't been written yet.
Helena complex. 'Nuff said.
I am dying for a letter right now.

That's all folks,
H.

For the whole post is made up of titles.

Warum bin ich so fröhlich?
400 mg painkillers a day keeps the headache away.
The saying "Aus dem Auge, aus dem Sinn" does not apply to me.
Where is the downpour I asked for?
The folk in my head has been awfully quiet lately.
I didn't realize that the meeting would take two hours.
The fact that the Germans are coming tomorrow is still not sinking in.
The etiquette lessons are awesome.
Getting off topic is awesome.
I shall be never making compliments again.
I have been living my whole life wrong.
By the end of the week I'll be dead and tired out.
The score is 1 to 0 with blue in the lead.
I still haven't got a little notebook. Though the conversations have died out...
I saw a weird dream again. I remember Shadow and another classmate being in it.
I miss Sunshine.
We have a new member in the family.
It's okay, I'll shout it out no matter how many times.
Chemistry kills.
Gilgamesh is not a hero.
I really need some music right now.

Cheers,
H.

Practice makes purrfect.

I've been very nostalgic in the last couple of days. I've been listening to old songs(meaning I haven't listened to them since the end of summer. I shall explain stuff once I am done with nostalgia) and then I remembered this very awesome(at least it was awesome to my 11 year old self...) fanfic that I wrote ages ago. It's a shame that I haven't got it anymore, for it was posted as a blog, which I decided to delete(I would regret it, but I have the basic outline of what was going on there in my head and the text was edited by a lovely J4, which would mean that I've sort of lost interest in it for it is not mine anymore, at least in my mind. Yes, I am weird like that). And today during practice I remembered(or invented. I have no idea for it seemed bloody familiar, but I could not place the words, meaning I had to create something instead. Schnappi, why do you bother me so?) an old childhood tune. Or at least I think it was an old one. I might have made it up on the spot though. But it was so familiar...And I had a cup of tea yesterday(it has been a couple of days or a week even) and concluded that it would've been better, had it been Earl Gray. My hands are cold.

Nostalgia is not the only thing I've been going through lately. I have no idea why but I've started going through this I-find-absolutely-everything-amusing-it-has-been-so-long-since-I've-made-things-like-this period. Which means that I've laughed about just everything there is, without explaining people what is going on. And then I started talking to myself. My hands are still cold.

So as promised earlier, I shall tell the tale of my time. Which passes at an incredibly snail like snail pace. For one week seems like two and I'm not even going to start about hours or minutes. It is sometimes incredibly tiring but right now I have no problem with it. I think. My hands...

I had this crazy idea at one point, but I promised myself that I wouldn't do it unless I was really down again. I started doing it anyway and those bloody red streaks remind me of a wound and then I sort of manage to surprise myself. I shall never mark down things with a red pen on my hand again(or if I do, then to places where they do not always get into my vision). But I had another crazy idea. I should get a tiny notebook if I want to do this. Have I mentioned that my hands are cold?

I also came up with a less crazy idea(depends actually). I wanted to include Ulqui in to this nice and lovely group I have in my head, but they all were against it. Something about it being too cramped already. Psh! They do not even know how empty my head is...or how cold my hands are.

I actually had planned out on making this a longer post, but I seem to lack the motivation to do so. So I shall end it with this and a small note on how great of a companion I am to myself(I could talk to myself all day, really!) and the fact that our little group from our previous school wants to meet up to celebrate my birthday. There would be nothing wrong with it except I am too lazy to arrange something and I know that while I'll certainly enjoy the company of two of them, I can't say the same for the third person. Because I am convinced that she will do us all a favour and mention that I am too lazy to stay in contact with them all the time. It's her problem really, not mine.

Calling a stone age Nokia and iPod is fun,

H.

Let me love you~!

There's a new Cardfight Vanguard anime out. And Kai makes an outfit change. I must definitely brush up on my chibi drawing skills. My brother is convinced that I am retarded. Can't blame him with me freaking out every two seconds. And the plot tends to be interesting as well. Though there was an awful lot of non-Kai in it. If it doesn't change in the next few episodes I am going to be disappointed. It was even bad that they threw him aside like a rag-doll when he had served his purpose. Only to emerge once to tell Aichi to remember what sort of fight he wanted to have. And to smile afterwards when the tournament was won and the bad guys had been turned into good guys. So much for fan service. My hands are sort of dead right now thanks to practices I had yesterday and today. But I am quite satisfied with what I have been doing lately. I wonder when I actually start doing the proper full 22 meter run. Not in the near future I guess. On the same topic, I am again amazed again because people can be nice towards me. And I am still not used to it. Especially if it is a person whom I haven't talked to all that much. And then she goes all "I was waiting for you." and I am confused as to why the hell she would do that. But it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless. My brain is slow. Extremely slow. I realize things about a couple of hours(sometimes even days) later. It is really weird and somehow amusing at the same time, for I tend to sit in the bus when I suddenly get hit by the realization. Quite weird, but buses have been lately been the place for good realizations/decisions. Usually I console myself or solve problems sometime in the evening, when I am sort of tired and willing to come up with logic that it is actually possible to apply it to real life. Yeah, the best decisions come in the evening. Today in literature we had this article about vocal culture and written culture. It pointed out the differences between those two and went on to talk about how vocal culture is possible and why it is that the written word is not necessary. And how those two focus on completely different things. So we discussed the topic in literature and we came to the conclusion that both are illusions(that the memory of previous events is lasting longer, if you reck my less). But it got me thinking that I probably should start relying a little bit more on memory rather than the notes I make. Whether I actually will bother with it or not, I have no idea. My father came home. I am no longer in need to eat away my sadness(as my coach put it when I complained that I have been eating way too much lately). I am in this happy state of mind where I am in such a happy mood that practically everything seems like a good idea. I quite enjoy it for things always seem so interesting or generally there seems to be stuff happening that sort of disturb some sort of routine. What kind of routine it is, I have no idea. But yeah I am currently happy and life is a flower. Unless I have a headache or any other aches that exist out there.But I've got painkillers for that one. I swear there was another topic I wanted to talk about but I currently can't remember. So I'll just go on telling you all that I am now the second Toots(though I have no idea how fixed this arrangement is). And I have the lucky chance of telling the germans that adding a love story to the outside story(because we won't be doing "Kevade" only, we're going to include this background story on how we got to performing it) is quite a ridiculous idea. The chance that I receive a 200 word reply is quite possible but I was promised that I will get a few likes and the support of my teacher. And by now I have happily remembered that something has changed in blogger and this new posting layout creeps me out, because I have no way of knowing how long my post will be and the preview button is for the weak. The idea that it won't be back to its usual is also sort of disturbing. So I will be very confused for the next days when I want to check something and what not. Yeah, I am already tired of the topic. I had an other topic which I wanted to talk about but of course I managed to forget that one as well. More reason to do some sort of memory exercises. But I've been social lately. And people talk to me because they are bored. It's funny because they start the conversation with something along the lines of insanity. I should talk to those people more often. Waking up at 4 AM is nice(all sorts of sarcasm intended), H.

...World!

I shall never be able to sing the Digimon properly thanks to the wonderful Shadow and Madli lurking around. And I will be talking in Digimon puns for a couple of days. Yes, the next few days are going to be very Digimon related. Not to mention that they are going to be very busy.
The loveliest thing about our meet ups for the German project is, that they practically revolve around stuff I do not have to do. But I still find myself sitting there, listening for an hour about stuff that might or might not happen. The joy. But yet I find myself very busy the next few days for there is a little bit more than a week left until the Germans actually make it here and now the tenth graders in our group have been stuck with the noble task to guide the Germaans through the school and introduce it to them. And before that, we are going to test it on our own classmates. Can't wait to see their faces of bewilderment. Maybe I should shorten words to make it especially confusing. Or add a Swiss accent. I have no idea why I want to pick at them.
But the German project is not the only thing that is going to keep me busy. People conveniently decide to come up with the research paper themes and we have to pick them quite soon. Yet there is nothing that really catches my attention. When looking more thoroughly, I do find a few topics that might seem interesting, but I am not sure whether I actually would bother with them. And I sort of decide which two instructors or teachers I'd like to meet, but I have seem to lost the other one who also had a more interesting topic. So I shall investigate into the matter more thoroughly tomorrow.
I have now officially finished my japanese course. What I have gained is the ability to recognize a few hiragana and even fewer katakana. I'm not even going to start about kanjis. And I do feel kinda sad that I have finished it. I found it very entertaining mainly because the words sound fairly funny if one pronounces it the way I do. Not to mention the fact that the fire kanji consist of the human kanji and two strikes that symbolise burning. A human on fire. So much fun. Not to mention that rice field + earth + power = man.
I get to start on my chibi cartoons again, for the new period brings chemistry with it! Though by now I am probably out of practice, which means I should do research on chibi expressions as well. Though I must say that Digimon had a lot of chibi expressions. And Fairy Tail has chibi Loki~! That is one chibi I must certainly learn how to draw. Though if I learned how to draw a chibi Lucy as well...my diary would become some sort of shrine for fangirls.
I managed to confuse myself today. Or well, my sense of smell and my hoodie did the job for me. But honestly speaking, the scent was so weak at first that I didn't distinguish whether it was a good scent or bad scent. Though the bad scent isn't necessarily bad. It is something soap like and reminds me of something squeakily clean and it hadn't been around until about two weeks ago so it used to be unfamiliar. And because it was so unfamiliar and not addicting, I started to dub it as a bad scent. And now it is on my clothes. Though I believe it is because of the washing machine. I am not making coins again, though I can make it clear with one Random word.
I haven't been ranting on my dreams lately which is very strange. But then again, I haven't had a proper dream I could actually remember so I have no reason to rant on them either. Though I find it amazing that one is able to remember only the dream you wake up to, which makes the whole situation very curious. So very curious...
I must say that I suck at chess but take pride in my chess skills. Shadow's controversiality must be rubbing off to me. And just for the sake of confusing people I shall say that I woke up as myself on Tuesday. Several times. Now go figure what that means.
And now it is getting late, people are refusing to answer my questions, other people question my motives and my sleep was very light today. So I think a deeper sleep without tossing and turning shall be in order.

There's lots of Randomness in my life(even without Randomness actually being there),
H.

Do I look bothered?

As predicted on the last Monday, I was all sunshine and butterflies again the next day. The following days where then passed with loads of unreasonable mood swings of unreasonableness until it finally figured out what was bothering me in the first place on Thursday. Ah, the usefulness of older brothers. Just by simply visiting me, I was able to get my head much more clearer than it was before. How I will act from now is another matter though. We shall see. Or if not see, then somebody will definitely hear about it(and it is not my father, for the simple reason that he has gone off to Latvia).
Thursday was a sort of interesting day, because there was loads of sunshine and I got chocolate ice cream(haven't had it in ages). The fact that my throat was hurting the next morning was not so interesting. Nor nice.
The rest of the week's end passed in an amazingly calm manner. On Friday I went shopping with my mother(which turned out as a waste). It was both physically and mentally exhausting and I got to discuss the topic on my dislike for skirts(not that I actually dislike skirts. I just prefer not to wear them). The rest of Friday was very Fridayish and I got to spend time with people I haven't spent time for some time. And I got to be reminded of the awesomeness of the classy Chicago gangster look. Which I got to enjoy today again.
Saturday and a great deal of Sunday were passed at my grandparents' place. I actually got to studying math and had a first try at teaching bridge to my relatives. What made it easier was the fact that my mother knew how to play bridge. But my brother(the only potential candidate for Treffner seeing as he being the only minor next to me) was not fascinated by the game, but that might have been for the simplest reason that he always had to lay down the cards and just watch.
I also got proven wrong on my shaky card house theory. I managed to pull away a card from the foundation so to say and it did not collapse. I would be immensely disappointed if it turns out that my predicted mental breakdown happens in stages, not all at once. The joy of practicing English vocabulary.
The rest of Sunday was spent on frantically searching for someone, who knew more math than I did but in the end it doesn't matter for I did the math prelim and managed to do one of the silliest mistakes. It will probably result in a four. Nothing disappointing, yet nothing exhilarating either.
On the first topic again, I've realized that although I have been trying to do my best at not showing my frustration, it has still leaked somewhat in my comments. I am fully aware that I am lying to everyone's faces when saying that I have tried my best. But I have been repressing most of the comments that linger on the tip of my tongue and feel guilty about those I have made. Not to mention the fact that I have refused to keep the conversation going. It is not a big deal but I bet there wouldn't be an hour long silence if I bothered to type something in. But I am not doing it simply out of stubbornness. Shadow wants to hit me right now.
Also, I am very glad about the weather today. I love this sort of rain and although I had to go home with drenched feet and coldness in my every bone, it is still pretty weather that makes me want to enjoy life. Though I tend to avoid moving, because it steals the warmth that my blanket provides. And also it might have caused a small almost fever. But that's really not important until my thoughts start to get all hazy and nonsensical.
But I will now return to silent conversations and not so silent conversations.

I have the urge to bite people,
H.

Naive

This is a rant that I've been having in my head from time to time though I haven't posted it here yet partly because it is too personal and partly because it is so ridiculous that I'd like to shoot myself for having in the first place. Alas, I do not have a gun and I doubt they'd let me have one(even if I had a license.). So I shall be having this rant now, in order to avoid accumulating feelings that might just ruin everything.
There's this little girl in my head. She's very mad at someone currently and because she is part of me, I am mad at that person too. And it is so bloody ridiculous, because I have no reason to be angry. And even if I did, that anger should be directed at me. But I am angry at that person, because this little girl has her own dreams/hopes/expectations. When those are not met(doesn't matter how unreasonable they are), she will get angry. Or sad. If it was sadness only, I'd understand. But no. She decides, that at first she wants to be sad and be very close to tears and then later blame that person for it. And that makes me mad. Not only at that person, but also at myself for being so unreasonable. Especially since two days ago I could handle a situation like that without caring a bit, but now I am just being weak again. Chiaki advised me to put negative feelings into an act. Make it look like I'm happy. It didn't work. Next she told me I shouldn't get worked up over a little thing like this. Yesterday, it worked. When I tried it today, I just got even more pissed at that person, for making me feel that way. Although I knew it was my own fault.
I hate acting that way, especially because I know the cause is my own stupidity. I feel so weak, yet I do not find strength in myself to change that weakness. I know I'm being naive, yet I'm not lifting a single finger to do something against it. I have issues.
Being dependent is okay, but this is going too far. Especially since one of us is able to maintain a cool head and I am not the one who is. It annoys me, because not only does it make me feel weak, brings out the worst in me and just manages to ruin the sunshine, it also makes me think that the person does not care. And that creates even more sorrow and stupid ideas. I don't care, is what keeps popping up in my mind. If that person does not bother to care, then why should I? And I am completely aware of the fact that this is going on only in my head, that real life is not actually that way. I feel like Helena, trying to find faults in someone to create more drama. And believe me, this contradicts with a lot of other feelings.
I have no intention of letting that person know about my anger for several obvious reasons(I'm being an idiot. See if I care. Not to mention I'll probably be all sunshine and rainbows again tomorrow.). Leaving those aside, I just feel that if making that person aware of it, it'll just cause a forced reaction. It is manipulation and surprise surprise, I do not want to manipulate people I treasure. Especially because of feelings that this little girl caused. She is extremely naive, stubborn and easy to anger. Not to mention jealous. I think she hates me, one way or another.

Sighing out happiness,
H

Grapes and needles.

I've been meaning to post something here for a while, mainly because I've had tons of reasons to ramble again(and a dire need for procrastination, but Suzaku advised me against it. Motivation isn't doing a good job, so I gave it to Suzaku.). The last few days have been spent on writing an essay in Estonian and I am quite satisfied with it. There was nothing wrong with the content at least, according to my teacher. How the grammatic and style work out, is another matter but I am convinced that I've managed to avoid a satisfactory grade. So I shall wait and busy myself with literature while I am at it.
I've been reading a lot lately, at least a lot more than for the past few months. It's nice although I often start reading during classes meaning that I ignore almost everything else going on around me. This puts me on a slight edge as I have been ignoring/missing the smart talk in Maths class and I'd rather not fail the prelim. Solving triangles or not.
On Tuesday I lost my mind. A little more than usual. At least I was in a very happy mood in German class. But I knew it wouldn't last long. And I was right. But I shan't worry about it anymore for the week has ended.
On Wednesday I woke up with my throat feeling like a few hundred needles have been pricked through it. I did nothing about though and by the time I got home, I knew that it was going to get worse. I did my best but two cups of tea didn't help. So I blatantly skipped practice on Thursday and went home to sleep on it. The only thing that changed after my nap was my inability to smell or taste anything. Chewing on food has never been that much fun.
I'd rant about animes again but I'm not in the mood to. I do have to mention that this spring, there are a lot of second seasons of stuff I've seen previously, so I don't have to select a lot of new anime. And there is also Accel World.
Oh yeah on Monday I had a very nice practice and also got the upsetting news that we might have to train indoors in spring. INDOORS! I prefer practicing outside a lot more because of the fresh air. Even if the wind does sometimes disturb and running is twice as dangerous after the rain.

Eating grapes is fun,
H.