Dancer in the Dark

I feel like a sick pervert, who encourages people to talk about themselves, by pushing some simple buttons.

I feel fake.

I feel like I am caught up in a loop, never ending, always returning to this very same Sunday morning, where the only thing I do is write, write, write.

I get weird ideas, I feel oddly at peace, yet when talking to other people, I feel so very fake.

I feel Christmas.

The weather is windy, the sun is shining, yet I feel not confined, but somehow restricted to myself.

I feel like I am pacing impatiently in my cage, knowing I could break out, wondering what I am still waiting for.

Am I hesitating?

Cuppa.

I don't seem to be the kind of person who can go on without crying at least once per fortnight.

Then again, it is solved.

I've made a list. It's short at the moment, but it'll get better.

Ning kõndides pimedal,

kuid soojal oktoobrikuu õhtul valgustatud tänaval,
"I don't care, I love it" kõrvus kumisemas,

kogen jälle mittekuuluvustunnet

Thought I'd add it here, to sum up what bothered me up until three weeks ago.

It's hard to keep talking to people, when occasionally, you seem to tire of them, not because you feel that they've done something wring, but simply because the amount of conversation has overflown.

I wish I could put my thoughts down in the form I think 'em. I still haven't thought up how that is supposed to work, but I suppose it might be possible one day.

I think I set myself a goal to write as much as possible this month, but I already can feel that most likely, I won't be writing anymore than necessary - which is sad because it means that I'll never become a writer.

Then again, people have published a book with much weirder and more senseless texts, so who says I won't be able to get anything published, hm?

 

Thinking is a disease.

That moment when you desperately need to listen to a song, as loudly as possible in order to enjoy it, yet you simply can't because you're supposed to go to sleep.

So I'm writing this post instead, not quite sure which song I crave for, in hopes I will figure it out by tomorrow.

I feel like I've randomly managed to find myself some creativity and now I'm not sure what to do with it.

It's quite unusual, especially since I've got no inspiration.

But I've sort of promised myself to start writing during November...I wanted to note down some stories, mostly the Potter ones, I think. Gotta look up numerology.

It's amazing how much pressure the second period suddenly brings with it - you've got separated Estonian classes just for the sake of doing your exam better, not to mention German as your first foreign language. The homework load with the first week is amazing, yet you enjoy the chance to speak proper German much.

It's amazing how much things one can simply do worse to make yourself more understandable for people.

Of cats and curly conquerors

Sometimes, I'm not quite sure what my intuition wants to tell me.

I start assuming things, which are either 100% accurate or not accurate at all.

Thus I end up...somewhere. Which makes me overthink.

But, I did get to pet a cat at three o'clock in the morning. I'd say it was a successful night.

I am seriously terrified at the moment. I didn't realize it until now, when I start putting my thoughts down.

I don't want to talk about it to anyone, just out of pure paranoia that it'll go away when I talk about it.

I don't want it to go away.

My head hurts.

I grin maniacally as I gaze down upon my driver's license, which I don't feel I've deserved.

But I am glad that this has been accomplished, so I shan't complain about it.

Step number 1: Be honest. Please, I beg of you be honest. Is gonna hurt like hell, but being honest is better than being not.

Life is like a boat. Life is like theater.

I feel like a marionette on strings, barely aware of what's happening around me.

I did get my room clean though. So that's something.

Precisely, punctually planned.

The clock struck six.

She took a last glance into the mirror - the dress she had worn for last year's school year still fit her, she had by some miracle managed to squeeze herself into the too small shoes. Her hair had been done up in a messy bunny, with two red strands falling forward. She had even trimmed her fringe for the occasion.

Her lips had been painted red, her eye lids had been adorned with two thin lines of black and she had put on her contacts as well.

She smiled.

Everything was going as planned.

It was simple - she had told him she would bail, she wanted to go the ball. She apologized profusely and told him she would meet him on his real birthday, just to congratulate him and pass over the gift. Everyone had been notified she'd been going - except she would arrive later, since she used her father as a chauffeur.

"I'll be going then!" She called out to her parents. Yes, her parents had got the reverse story - she would go with her friends, since it would be more fun this way.

"Have fun!" sounded two voices, one high and the other low, from the other room as she put on her black coat. She adjusted her bag once, checking whether all she needed was there. Then, without wasting time any further, she left the house.

The bus was three minutes late, something she appreciated. The later she arrived, the better. Her planning hadn't been that precise.

The bus ride itself lasted twenty minutes, meaning that by the time she arrived at her destination, it was remarkably darker than before.

She walked in the small silent neighborhood, admiring the peace. Yes, this was the right decision, she thought to herself, smiling slightly.

The bus stop wasn't really that far from her final destination, half a minute of a walk. Upon reaching the two story house, two rather active dogs loudly barked to announce her arrival. She smiled at them from behind the fence which separated her from them.

"It's nice to see you too. I'm sorry I lied last time." She said to the two. Her expression became thoughtful. "Although when thinking about it, I didn't know I would end up here today.Not that far back."

She hung her bag on the gate, taking out a few things. First, a dark square, which she laid gently on the ground. Secondly, her phone. She messed with it a little and then the familiar waltz sounded softly into the evening air. She did three steps before setting it down on the dark square.

Next, she pulled out an envelope. The name and school were written down, so it would surely find its owner once she was finished. She hadn't sealed it yet, so she opened it up and reread its contents. She felt slightly bad about writing this single letter, not even to someone, who was most dear to her, but she had found it easier to do it like this - in her twisted, half-joking way, this letter was supposed to cheer people up.

She hoped her puns would do the job.

At last, she pulled out the shining blade. She ran her fingers over it gently, making sure not to cut herself. It wouldn't do to have her picture ruined by some cuts on the finger tips. She took a  deep breath.

It was time.

She considered the option, whether he would find her first thing in the morning, but figured it would be too lucky, if it really happened. She sincerely hoped that he would able to get a glimpse of her though.

Well in the end, it wouldn't matter to her anymore.

The waltz in her phone ended, and started from the beginning. She really hadn't bothered to calculate her bloodloss, so she had made sure that the song played on and on, by mixing a ten hour version of it. Now she needn't worry about it.

She sat down on the square, muffling the phone slightly and spreading her skirt part out so the dark square wouldn't be seen. She supported her back with the fence, where immediately two curious noses sniffed at her back. She could have mentally slapped herself for not applying any perfume, but well, it was too late anyways.

She took out her gloves, which she had been keeping in her coat pockets and gripped the knife harder.

She closed her eyes as she slid the knife across her left arm, right up until the elbow. With slow movements in order to avoid pain, she put on the left glove.

The right arm's line wasn't as straight as the left arms, but she quickly covered it with the other glove.

Now all she had to do, was wait. Wait for the numbness take over the pain, the slowing activity of the brain and the sleepiness.

She closed her eyes, listened to her hearts slowing beats as the blood poured out and smiled.

Paranoia Princess

Virgin or not,

why is it that,

the idea of discussing it

with the person involved,

makes me lose my giggles?

-Latenight Pondering.

Never be alone in your house without a kitchen knife nearby.

Raindrops and dresses, white roses

Note to self: Lyrics usually are tough things to remember.

Note number two: Choices are horrible things.

I'm a horrible person and yet, people don't hate me. What is wrong with this world?

Seriously. This ain't normal.

Hmmm...hey, why not ruin my life while I'm at it.

Yeah, seems like a good idea. But facebook won't let me, apparently.
I shall try again.

So yeah..

Hurt.Pain.Guilt.

Of Jokers and Batmans.

Starving yourself is absolutely the worst idea you've had so far.

Seriously, it only helps to get into a depressive mood and it hurts and it is otherwise unpleasant. Never try that again.

I'm still not lifting your ban on socializing though.

So deal with it.

On the other hand, I watched the second Batman movie today, which inspired me to find out more on the Joker. So I'm going to ask Andrew about it.

I shall now start meditating in a dark room, cause my head hurts like hell.

But it's better if you do.

"I really shouldn't..." she started sulkily, but she was cut off by Daniel.

"That's it. I'm putting you into quarantine." The brown headed Vampire said firmly. The mental cheer from the others was not subdued an inch.

"Why?"  she whined. "Because you're being way too dramatic about this." Chiaki explained, hitting the girl with a book. She only kept sulking as the yellow and black striped plastic ribbons sprung to life and wrapped themselves around her, secluding her into one of the corners.

She kept on sulking, in silence for once.

***

On occasions like this, I can't help but think whether it is always because of me that people suffer.

It seems like the only logical reason. So what's the deal?

Should I either keep on going like I am now, only with slight more caution, never allowing to say myself anything which might later come and cause a tragedy?

Or should I tell all the people I know all the bullshit I've caused and watch them turn away from me?

I don't want to be alone, but I hurt people with my thoughtlessness and selfishness.

I simply want to bash my head against a wall and make it end. Another selfish deed it would be, but hey, it would be the last one, wouldn't it?

I want to live forever.

Today was a very educational day. I learnt that I am not myself when I haven't listened to music.

Moral of the story - listen to music before you get out of the house.

Still waiting for inspiration. At this stage of the day, I'm actually hoping to receive some.

Today's rain is a weird rain because if it was normal, then I'd have weird thoughts and they'd go away, but they didn't so I don't know what to think anymore.

With every passing day I am spotting more leaves which obviously hint that autumn is coming and while I am really glad that it is approaching, I am sort of trying to postpone it, because I still need to finish my summer.

Today's grey reminded me of the painting I still haven't finished or more like the painting I wanted to start, but never managed to.

I really should do stuff that makes me feel accomplished more often.

And read books.

And be otherwise a nice person.

Not grin like mad when I imagine bringing discomfort to people. Not plot revenge plans, which are way outdated anyways. Oh well.

I'm not sure which one of them is the real me.

We'll see.

I feel like dancing. Dancing till I drop.

H.

Bad day approaching

With the sub-titles:

• Soap-opera as my life, that is
• Facebook, doth I hate plenty
• Sleep is not necessary

So! I feel that I am going to lose my mind soon, thus I am trying to prevent it by telling you guys how much I dislike Facebook, because that is the reason why I am being/going mad.
Well, it's not necessarily Facebook itself, it is the people on Facebook who make life difficult for me, who'd rather not interact with those people at all.
Fun fact is, even if I delete the person from my friends list, he will still show up more or less, cause guess what? I know his friends. Which means indirectly, I'll be able to stalk him whether I want him or not.
 Not only that, but same said person has been showing up on Skype again, meaning that he has stopped working which makes me more or less unhappy cause that means he'll log on on unpredictable times again.
 But I am working on that. Because the soap-opera session in my life is now over, I have means to heal myself and slowly extinguish that little thing that keeps upsetting me every now and then. So I'll be happy.
 Fun fact is, that I have this really irregular sleeping schedule at the moment...which probably isn't good for me in the long run, but at the moment, it'd quite all right with me. I'll sleep 9 hours at most, which means that I'll deal. It may be unconventional and it sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal, we deal.
Note to self - listen to Panic at the Disco more often, to remember lyrics properly.
And another topic worth ranting is crappy RPG playing - I swear to Cheeses, I am going to kill my Draco because I simply am tired of that shit.

I haven't drunken Earl Grey all summer,
H.

Of resolves and resorting.

The office of the Headmaster was empty when the redhead entered.

The phoenix was sleeping, head under its wing. The previous Headmasters and Headmistresses as well.

The trinkets were for once, completely still.

But that was not why she had come here. Her eyes roamed around the cabinet, until she spotted the old, weary hat.

It only took her a few long strides to reach it. She took the hat gently and placed it on her head.

"You're back again," the hat said.

"Yes," she agreed quietly.

"I thought you might come." The Sorting Hat muttered, whilst looking at what this girl had gone through in the past 7 years.

He found plenty and also the question that had been going through her head.

"I'm afraid it's a little bit too late to resort you now." The hat started off, noticing the girl's shoulders slumping.

"However, I can still let them all know, if you so wish?" He asked and at the girl's eager nod, he activated the Old Magics - The bells of Hogwarts started to ring, the sound getting more powerful with every ring.

"SLYTHERIN!" The sorting hat bellowed, his voice magically magnified so the whole school, no, the whole ground could hear of the change she had gone through.

The scene faded into black, the Sorting Hat being the last thing to disappear, doing so with a wink.

"Are you done now?" Chiaki asked, leaning on  apparent blackness, wearing the Slytherin uniform.

The redhead nodded, shaking her hair out of her face, snapping her fingers. The red and gold indicating the Gryffindor house changed into silver and green respectively.

"Was there any point in that mind exercise?" Lelouch inquired from somewhere else, having been forced into the Slytherin uniform as well. The redhead stuck her tongue out.

"It was an attempt to ease and soothe my mind, just like it was a representation of the change in my character." She explained. Lelouch rolled his eyes from behind his book. "As if you've actually changed." He muttered.

The redhead pretended not to hear it.

"So, what's the plan now?" Chiaki asked, looking at the robes they were still wearing. The redhead became thoughtful.

"I really do like this uniform, so I'd like to keep it on for a little longer." She said, earning an agreeing nod and grin from Chiaki. "So let's grab Daniel and Lulu and go create our own Hogwarts legend!" She decided on a whim.

"I'm not going anywhere! It's ridiculous enough that I have to wear these clothes!" Lelouch protested loudly, so that the redhead could hear her over Chiaki's cheering.

The redhead sniffled sadly once and directed him a sad, pitiful look. "But, Lelouch..." She started. Chiaki in the meanwhile dragged Daniel into the Hogwarts section, his attire changing immediately into the same green and silver the rest was wearing.

Lelouch returned her stare and a staring contest ensued. It lasted for about a minute, when Lelouch gave in, sighing. The three cheered loudly at this.

"Ah," the red head stopped. "It's not interesting if we're all in the same House." With that, she snapped her fingers once again. Her uniform returned to the Gryffindor red and gold once again, while Chiaki's turned blue and bronze and Daniel's yellow and black.

"Hufflepuff? You have got to be kidding me." Daniel groaned. The red head looked apolgetic. "Bear with me. You're loyal enough to be in Hufflepuff." She said, clapping loudly when she realized it rhymed.

Daniel sulked a little, but the red head promised him the lead role.Once this was settled, they were ready.

"Now let's go!" The red head shouted, dragging the poor Slytherin after her. "You'll regret this," Lelouch promised murderously between his gasps for air, as he couldn't keep up with her pace.

Daniel and Chiaki started walking  after them, in a much slower pace, smiles on their faces.

Mirrors.

There are two girls facing each other.

Both of them are us.

One of us is broken, the other one is fine.

One of us is honest, the other one is not.

One of likes people, the other one hates them.

What to do with contradictions such as us?

We tend to let the fine one get the lead, but occasionally, the broken one pops up.

People don't like seeing the broken one too often, they get tired of us, like with a broken toy.

People like the fine one, the happy one, the laughing one.

We only know that we're more likeable this because there are no tears involved.

So we let the fine one out as often as possible, to assure people that we're okay.

But the broken one is always there, watching.

The fine one may be able to hide it, but as long as the broken one won't be fixed, all will not be well.

So tell us...

What do we need to do to fix us?

***
I really hate having two bad days in a row.

The only three things missing from today where The Muse, The Player and I see.

At least I got to mess with Carebear. Funny how people who have hurled you right into depression can serve as entertainment later on, when your aching your heart for some other person.

Almost chemical reaction.

I wonder if there's some kind of element present in the universe, which reacts violently when other elements are being poured into it, but yet the other element comes out unharmed or not different at all.

Oh wait, that's a catalyst. Right. Chemical knowledge, you never fail me.

Never.

I am really unhappy about having so many catalysts. At least I think there are many.

There have been two to three songs that have been ghosting around my heart, the most recent being about Bleeding out for someone. Welcome to indie, people. No wonder I am fucked up.

***
And I am utterly tired of watching the backsides of people's heads, because while I am trying to heal, they keep moving on with life and I have nothing else left than to watch them with envy, sending scalding glares towards their backs.

***

Yesterday I once again realized that I was broken. Even before my Catalyst appeared.

Then again, also realized that doing stuff considered as mad brings a smile to my lips, because I love to see the disbelieving looks on their faces, the mad grin that raises to my lips and the happiness in me, caused by the whole absurdity of it all.

And that, I believe, is a good thing.

Smell ya later(as my rival would say),
H.

Sleeping beauty.

She danced in the storm, her white dress flying around wildly as she called for her lover. Her voice was drowned by the wind, but she didn’t care.

Her time had come.

Her snow white hair was flailing around her in a grotesque manner, as if trying to protect her from what was coming.

But it was futile.

The robed figure appeared, right behind her.

She was spun around and he grabbed her hands as they danced across the grass, which was now decaying rapidly at the robed figure’s touch.

Both of them were barefoot, and she smiled sweetly at her one and only, glad to be finally seeing him.

„I can’t do this,“ he whispered, his voice thick with unshed tears. She placed a finger on his deathly pale lips.

“You must.” She left him no mercy. As if regretting her harsh words, she started caressing his cheek.

“I chose this life to be with you. I want us to be happy.” She whispered softly, as he tightened his arms around her. Her loved one looked at her with his pain-filled eyes.

“This isn’t what I would call happiness. Why do you hurt me so?” He accused her, a single tear slipping, betraying his true thoughts.

“To have yet another life time with you again. I love you.” 

She kissed him lightly on the lips and then, Death threw the young lady dressed in white down the cliff, only for her to be reborn like a phoenix once again.

Another public outcry.

FACIT ALL!

WON'T YOU PLEASE FOR ONCE LEAVE ME ALONE?
JUST...I'd like to be normal and healthy not so freaking fucked up and upset about stupid little things.

Why the hell can't I just get used to this feeling of hurt and simply not let myself get influenced by people who will probably stop mattering in my life? People who voluntarily walked out of my life?

People who prefer not to return here?

Can't I simply be healthy and happy and not caring about such petty little things like humans?

WHY DO YOU NEED TRUST IF IT'S TO BE BROKEN ANYWAYS?

WHY?
WHY?
WHY?

I don't want to lose my sanity like that. I don't want to be curious. I don't want to question why, yet I have nothing better to do.

Because Life demands its price in my emotions.
I've been too horrible recently. I shouldn't associate with people at all.

I don't deserve to be sitting here like this, causing grief to the two people that truly always care and worry for me.
Why can't I at least act with them that everything is okay?

The sunlight between toes.

With the sub-titles:

• My mind breaks every now and then
• My tolerance has reached a new low.
• Ohne Dich is alles immer noch doof.(Okay, that's something I just made up. Referring to random Random people, but not the first Random people)

The pros of not having a boyfriend:

1. You don't have to worry about what you eat.

2. You don't have to bother be pretty.

3. Your mind won't explode from all the thinking you do.

4. You are pretty much more sane, because there's no stress to eat you away.

5. You actually have courage to speak your mind.

6. Your opinion of yourself won't hit an all time low.

7. You don't have to worry bout anything.

8. You won't feel disappointed if the other party doesn't try.

So yeah, this out-of-date-blog deserves an update as well. Which means that I just woke up from another dream which sent me hurling through bad moods and low tolerance. I swear I am going to hit someone in the near time if I don't get out of civilization soon.

Alas, I have yet another week or two to manage.

I'm slowly losing my faith in my healthiness, I really feel that I am never going to be alright.

Which is depressing.

The feeling, that there's actually only so little time until you are completely excluded from the life of a person you were supposed to be close with, is also quite depressing.

But for now, I shall find the fun in the fact that I met a person from Singapore. At the hospital. Fun fun fuuun!

 The only reason I started writing this post is the list above and the nice feeling you get, when you have friends over and you eat good food and enjoy each other's company. Although we were lacking two members of our usual gathering.

Today must be a good day,

H.

P.S: Love turns into a battle once I've been declared war on.

Don't puke.

Ego depletion is currently happening. I think I maximized it yesterday. Or the day before yesterday.

So I really should start focusing on something else than making up scenarios in my head, which usually end up with me yelling.

They're unrealistic because I know I am even unable to utter a single word when I cry. Not to mention feeling anger.

I feel like something in my head goes "bweaaak!".

Bleach references make this situation better. Potter references make all situations better.

Perhaps, I am tired of trying.

That doesn't mean that I'll stop of course. It just means that I am going to sit back and watch how we'll build a wall together.

I'm gonna go play Fez.

Blue cat vol.2: There's an orange mouse as well.

Funny how you can find people so similar to you to the point of both buying randomly the same thing, except in different colours.

Funny that those people can mess with your head.

So funny actually, that you are thinking of recreating your character.

And then, in the end, you see people you'd never expect to see and then you go crazy. Of course, not while they are present, but afterwards.

And then, you fuck up your life. Or most probably fuck up your life. Or make a social experiment with humans.

If all goes well, people will become more dear to me.

If not, then it won't be long before I have screwed up all bonds I have made in this life and end up holed up in my room, hating everything.

But at the moment, I don't care. I simply vented my happiness, so if that is such a big crime, then perhaps I shouldn't be this influenced by people anyways.

After all, I will survive. It will be painful, yes, but I will stay.

I always have, after all.

Still: You are dear to me and I wish I had the courage to call you mine.

Why am I even keeping this blog anymore?

You remind me of summer. You make the season more tolerable. I want to see you and hug you and make you realize what you mean to me. Yet, I feel that you deserve better than that and I should leave you alone so that you wouldn't have to suffer by my side.

The Blue Cat

She felt that he was a refreshing sip of water in her dull everyday life.

And that's all for the fluff today.

And onto the more trivial stuff, until I feel that I want to write more fluff, or Potter, or whatever comes to mind.

Oh yeah. Uh...uhm, Right. Self-analysis.

I am a very dishonest person. I don't think I've ever told anyone the whole truth, without omitting any detail that I find important. I always keep something to myself.

It's my logic on how to preserve happiness meant for me. I don't want to talk to people about good stuff that has made me all giddy inside because I feel that it is my personal happiness which is not for sharing.

It's for treasuring it. Like...a looong time. If my memory doesn't fail me. Which it does.

Anyways... I feel that I have to change that dishonesty, starting with myself.
Because I lie to myself a lot. So I'll start there. Then I'll see whether I can start being honest with other people and perhaps(Heaven's forbid) trust people. Yay for trust issues.

And that's it for today's psychoanalysis.

For some reason, I ran out of anime,
H.

Non-musician's nocturne

She walked, the red thread swirling all around her.

It was a nice summer evening, the sun was slowly but steadily creeping down the horizon, colouring the sky in various shades starting from a soft pink and ending with a deep blue. There was not a cloud in sight and when the girl looked up, the first few stars were starting to appear.

Of course, it didn't matter to her. Today didn't matter to her.

She knew that over night, the clouds would slowly fill the sky and form a massive wall. She knew the temperature would drop a good few degrees and that tomorrow, people would be bustling about the streets under their umbrellas, taking cover at every chance.

She also knew that she herself would be walking in the rain and waiting. Anticipating the same thing the thread had foretold her since she could remember.

She had always seen threads which connected people. She could always tell how people got along with each other, she could see how strong their bond was. She had no problem fixing problems of other people by simply convincing them how they felt for each other.

But to her own little finger, only one single red thread was tied. It was obvious, that the colour and the art of the string represented how much this bond was going to mean to her, but she sometimes figured whether God really was this cruel to let her live such a lonely life. She wasn't sure whether it was because of what the threads told her or because she actually was just not good at associating, but she always felt like there was a wall between her and the rest of the world.

She felt lonely because of it.

It was possible to get used to it and she was used to it, but she knew that giving up on the loneliness meant giving up on her humanity itself. Just her ability to see the threads cut her off from others of her kind, so what would giving up her emotions do her?

She didn't want to become a monster.

So she continued feeling lonely, letting the worst of her emotions get to her, continued being human. That's the only thing that kept her alive these days.

The sun was already gone by the time she reached home.

The next day was as the threads had predicted years ago in her dreams - dark, cloudy, overall gloomy. She felt attached to this weather because of the thread swirling around her finger, but also because she loved the scent of rain in the air. She never could get enough of how her loneliness seemed to manifest in scent only.

Just how she had seen so numerous times in her dream, a raven on the branch of a tree caught her attention with his loud cawwing, as he flied away, higher and higher up towards the clouds.

She watched the bird's flight for a good four minutes, before she could hear his footsteps.

"Is everything all right?" A deep voice asked, concern clearly audible in his voice. She turned her head and nodded.

As if suddenly realizing what was happening, her heart beat sped up and pure joy that couldn't be described with  words went right through her very being. But at the same time, she had felt sadness as if never before.

So she stood there, smiling brighter than anyone else, tears streaming down her face as if she was living through two scenarios at the same time, not sure of what to do.

But she needn't do anything, for he had already stopped closer and raised her chin in order to take a good look at the girl, who seemed to be smiling and crying at the same time. She wondered whether he had the same ability as she did, for his gaze went to her little finger for a second, before realization dawned on his face.

"It's so nice to finally meet you." He said after a long silence. She wiped the tears in her eyes, barely noticing that the threads were dissolving right before her eyes.

It meant that her lonely past was over and she could finally start anew.

And this time, she was not alone.

Perky Pioneers

I am desperately trying to keep my mouth shut and I am actually, for once, succeeding at it.

Though I am at my limit. Well, if all goes well, tomorrow will tell whether and what kind of something is going on.

Life has made me a skeptic.

I siriusly hope I won't be disappointed. Because for once, just this once, I am actually trying to do stuff right.

I am afraid to ask the question.

I made myself an algorithm on which to act on, but in the end,  it's already faulty, because I am afraid.

Usually, I would just storm in without thinking of the consequences, but look where it has brought me up until now.

At least I proved myself today that I can be patient.

I feel like I am going insane again. The good thing is, it makes me stop caring about trivial stuff, bad thing is, I am stuck in my mind labyrinth and it keeps me from sleeping.

Well, I guess I can only hope that stuff turns out. And I have at least another 24 hours to wait.

Yay.

I really should stop procrastinating. And stop the psychoanalysis.

She who must be obeyed

In the end, all she wanted to do was create a separate family, so that she would never feel alone.

Why couldn't people understand that?

What had gone so horribly wrong?

She spent many restless nights wondering, analysing, praying for a new beginning.

Of course, it never came.

Before long, she grew weak. Her proud demeanor diminished, her hidden tears kept becoming more obvious to everyone.

The first reaction would be taking pity, afterwards there was only cold indifference.

It didn't matter to people. Didn't matter to humans.

In the end, she simply was different.

After all, who would want to become family with a freak like her?

Breakneck speed.

Since I seem to have fucked up my life and intend on doing whatever the heck I think of, I shall do so and see later what the consequences consist of.

I feel that I have sealed a fate where I have to hurt people, or well if things change suddenly, someone will definitely get hurt. But I shall try and perhaps something good will happen.

I am most certainly a horrible person. But hell, I shall learn to hide it and manipulate with people without them realizing it.

But as someone infinitely more wise than I said, "You're 18! Live!"

So really, I shall try to behave the best I can.

And find my morals.

Example nr. A:

I most certainly will not submit to horrible temptation and make someone a sinner.

Example nr. B.

I shall become emotionally dependent of someone, who is at least slightly emotionally dependent on me.

Example nr.4:

I shall most certainly pick the people I like with utmost care and sensibility.

That's it for my New Year resolutions.

Also, I hate carschool and driving.

Weird wonderings

It's  a Wednesday evening and I feel like pouring my heart out.Unfortunately, I'm not into pouring my heart out at the moment, thus cryptic speech shall be used.

I had a queer dream today and it made me once again realize that people look nicer when they smile. It's kind of sad that those people have ruined my impression of them with simply being rude. The power of courtesy is amazing.

I feel that I should write some amazing piece of writing, because I reread my last story and I felt that it was a good one. I'm not sure what other people think but this is the first time I actually feel that I want to continue writing based on my previous story.

I wish it would rain. And that I would become more cat like in the near future.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could face the people we've had conflicted feelings about with a clear head and a sensation of joy?

Charmed Ceilings

"Come on, let me show you," Alice prodded the raven haired boy.

He sighed in resignation and closed the book he had been trying to read, before Alice had once again come up with an extremely 'smart' idea. That girl really had taken to heart Dumbledore's words, when he had told her to show him around.

Seeing he complied, Alice gave him a smile and started moving towards the exit of the Tower. He briefly debated himself whether he should raise the topic of leaving the Tower after curfew just for the sake of annoying her, but he let it drop for once.

He had lost the last three arguments anyways. It would seem like sore losing if he'd lose a fourth time as well. Not that he was doing it intentionally.

So he let the dark haired girl lead him. She was the one who knew the Prefect patrolling schedule by heart after all.

A few fake walls and secret corridors later they arrived in the Entrance hall. He was very puzzled as to what they were doing there and his confusion increased threefold when Alice laid down on the hard stone and started staring upwards towards the stairs. She patted the spot next to her.

"Come join me, it's not as uncomfortable as you think.Or nearly as dirty," she added as an afterthought after she saw his face scrunch up. A staring battle ensued and  the only noise made was caused by Alice's sheep slippers. He was starting to think those sheep slippers were nocturnal.

In the end he succumbed when she broke her stare and shrugged her shoulders in a way he recognized that if he didn't comply, he wouldn't find out what exactly it was she would be showing him. And he was curious.

Alice had been right: the ground wasn't nearly as dirty as he believed it to be and he made a mental note to thank the house-elves next time he visited the kitchen. He briefly saw from the corner of his eyes that Alice had turned her head back to stair at the seemingly endless amount of staircases in Hogwarts and from the way the everything quieted down, so did the sheep slippers.

"Just a minute more, I think," she whispered and for some reason, he started to anticipate something amazing.

The clock struck twelve. They were deep bells and their sound echoed in the many halls of Hogwarts, only to be muffled in dorm rooms and personal quarters. 

After the twelfth gong struck, all the staircases shifted simultaneously and revealed a large charmed ceiling.

It was probably the same basics as in the Great Hall, but it was amazing because at the moment, a full moon was shining down on them, stars adorning its sides. He felt himself breath in sharply at how beautiful the sky looked and how small it made him feel.

The sight disappeared after a minute.

"Not many wander in the halls at this hour, much less pay attention to what's going up there." Alice explained later as she got up into a sitting position. "I find this a shame because I believe that this is one of the less amazing secrets in Hogwarts."

Her smile turned into a frown. "They're not even trying to get to know this castle. I failed my N.E.W.T.S on purpose for this castle."

He watched her, confusion visible on his face, but she simply shook her head. "You don't understand. I wanted to show this to you, but perhaps, it was too early." She got up completely and started heading towards the staircases.

Both he and Alice were unaware that another raven with bright green eyes was watching them not from afar, covered up with a cloak that perhaps could top the Sorting Hat's age. The newcomer might have not understood what Alice meant, but Harry Potter most certainly did.

Hogwarts was home.

Perhaps Luna was right and he really needed to sit down and have a proper chat with this rather confusing Ravenclaw student.
  

  

Let me laugh at the absurdity.

I am craving for writing.

I am craving for reading.

I am craving for drawing.

I managed to force myself to do something I thought I was never capable of and now I am laughing hard at the world's absurdity.

Also, in the last few realities, you've still been a jerk.