Saturday, July 27, 2013

Sleeping beauty.

She danced in the storm, her white dress flying around wildly as she called for her lover. Her voice was drowned by the wind, but she didn’t care.

Her time had come.

Her snow white hair was flailing around her in a grotesque manner, as if trying to protect her from what was coming.

But it was futile.

The robed figure appeared, right behind her.

She was spun around and he grabbed her hands as they danced across the grass, which was now decaying rapidly at the robed figure’s touch.

Both of them were barefoot, and she smiled sweetly at her one and only, glad to be finally seeing him.

„I can’t do this,“ he whispered, his voice thick with unshed tears. She placed a finger on his deathly pale lips.

“You must.” She left him no mercy. As if regretting her harsh words, she started caressing his cheek.

“I chose this life to be with you. I want us to be happy.” She whispered softly, as he tightened his arms around her. Her loved one looked at her with his pain-filled eyes.

“This isn’t what I would call happiness. Why do you hurt me so?” He accused her, a single tear slipping, betraying his true thoughts.

“To have yet another life time with you again. I love you.” 

She kissed him lightly on the lips and then, Death threw the young lady dressed in white down the cliff, only for her to be reborn like a phoenix once again.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Another public outcry.

FACIT ALL!

WON'T YOU PLEASE FOR ONCE LEAVE ME ALONE?
JUST...I'd like to be normal and healthy not so freaking fucked up and upset about stupid little things.

Why the hell can't I just get used to this feeling of hurt and simply not let myself get influenced by people who will probably stop mattering in my life? People who voluntarily walked out of my life?

People who prefer not to return here?

Can't I simply be healthy and happy and not caring about such petty little things like humans?

WHY DO YOU NEED TRUST IF IT'S TO BE BROKEN ANYWAYS?

WHY?
WHY?
WHY?

I don't want to lose my sanity like that. I don't want to be curious. I don't want to question why, yet I have nothing better to do.

Because Life demands its price in my emotions.
I've been too horrible recently. I shouldn't associate with people at all.

I don't deserve to be sitting here like this, causing grief to the two people that truly always care and worry for me.
Why can't I at least act with them that everything is okay?

Saturday, July 20, 2013

The sunlight between toes.

With the sub-titles:

  • My mind breaks every now and then
  • My tolerance has reached a new low.
  • Ohne Dich is alles immer noch doof.(Okay, that's something I just made up. Referring to random Random people, but not the first Random people)
The pros of not having a boyfriend:
1. You don't have to worry about what you eat.
2. You don't have to bother be pretty.
3. Your mind won't explode from all the thinking you do.
4. You are pretty much more sane, because there's no stress to eat you away.
5. You actually have courage to speak your mind.
6. Your opinion of yourself won't hit an all time low.
7. You don't have to worry bout anything.
8. You won't feel disappointed if the other party doesn't try.

So yeah, this out-of-date-blog deserves an update as well. Which means that I just woke up from another dream which sent me hurling through bad moods and low tolerance. I swear I am going to hit someone in the near time if I don't get out of civilization soon.
Alas, I have yet another week or two to manage.
I'm slowly losing my faith in my healthiness, I really feel that I am never going to be alright.
Which is depressing.
The feeling, that there's actually only so little time until you are completely excluded from the life of a person you were supposed to be close with, is also quite depressing.
But for now, I shall find the fun in the fact that I met a person from Singapore. At the hospital. Fun fun fuuun!
 The only reason I started writing this post is the list above and the nice feeling you get, when you have friends over and you eat good food and enjoy each other's company. Although we were lacking two members of our usual gathering.
Today must be a good day,
H.
P.S: Love turns into a battle once I've been declared war on.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Don't puke.

Ego depletion is currently happening. I think I maximized it yesterday. Or the day before yesterday.

So I really should start focusing on something else than making up scenarios in my head, which usually end up with me yelling.

They're unrealistic because I know I am even unable to utter a single word when I cry. Not to mention feeling anger.

I feel like something in my head goes "bweaaak!".

Bleach references make this situation better. Potter references make all situations better.

Perhaps, I am tired of trying.

That doesn't mean that I'll stop of course. It just means that I am going to sit back and watch how we'll build a wall together.

I'm gonna go play Fez.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Blue cat vol.2: There's an orange mouse as well.

Funny how you can find people so similar to you to the point of both buying randomly the same thing, except in different colours.

Funny that those people can mess with your head.

So funny actually, that you are thinking of recreating your character.

And then, in the end, you see people you'd never expect to see and then you go crazy. Of course, not while they are present, but afterwards.

And then, you fuck up your life. Or most probably fuck up your life. Or make a social experiment with humans.

If all goes well, people will become more dear to me.

If not, then it won't be long before I have screwed up all bonds I have made in this life and end up holed up in my room, hating everything.

But at the moment, I don't care. I simply vented my happiness, so if that is such a big crime, then perhaps I shouldn't be this influenced by people anyways.

After all, I will survive. It will be painful, yes, but I will stay.

I always have, after all.

Still: You are dear to me and I wish I had the courage to call you mine.

Why am I even keeping this blog anymore?

You remind me of summer. You make the season more tolerable. I want to see you and hug you and make you realize what you mean to me. Yet, I feel that you deserve better than that and I should leave you alone so that you wouldn't have to suffer by my side.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Blue Cat

She felt that he was a refreshing sip of water in her dull everyday life.

And that's all for the fluff today.

And onto the more trivial stuff, until I feel that I want to write more fluff, or Potter, or whatever comes to mind.

Oh yeah. Uh...uhm, Right. Self-analysis.

I am a very dishonest person. I don't think I've ever told anyone the whole truth, without omitting any detail that I find important. I always keep something to myself.

It's my logic on how to preserve happiness meant for me. I don't want to talk to people about good stuff that has made me all giddy inside because I feel that it is my personal happiness which is not for sharing.

It's for treasuring it. Like...a looong time. If my memory doesn't fail me. Which it does.

Anyways... I feel that I have to change that dishonesty, starting with myself.
Because I lie to myself a lot. So I'll start there. Then I'll see whether I can start being honest with other people and perhaps(Heaven's forbid) trust people. Yay for trust issues.

And that's it for today's psychoanalysis.

For some reason, I ran out of anime,
H.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Non-musician's nocturne

She walked, the red thread swirling all around her.

It was a nice summer evening, the sun was slowly but steadily creeping down the horizon, colouring the sky in various shades starting from a soft pink and ending with a deep blue. There was not a cloud in sight and when the girl looked up, the first few stars were starting to appear.

Of course, it didn't matter to her. Today didn't matter to her.

She knew that over night, the clouds would slowly fill the sky and form a massive wall. She knew the temperature would drop a good few degrees and that tomorrow, people would be bustling about the streets under their umbrellas, taking cover at every chance.

She also knew that she herself would be walking in the rain and waiting. Anticipating the same thing the thread had foretold her since she could remember.

She had always seen threads which connected people. She could always tell how people got along with each other, she could see how strong their bond was. She had no problem fixing problems of other people by simply convincing them how they felt for each other.

But to her own little finger, only one single red thread was tied. It was obvious, that the colour and the art of the string represented how much this bond was going to mean to her, but she sometimes figured whether God really was this cruel to let her live such a lonely life. She wasn't sure whether it was because of what the threads told her or because she actually was just not good at associating, but she always felt like there was a wall between her and the rest of the world.

She felt lonely because of it.

It was possible to get used to it and she was used to it, but she knew that giving up on the loneliness meant giving up on her humanity itself. Just her ability to see the threads cut her off from others of her kind, so what would giving up her emotions do her?

She didn't want to become a monster.

So she continued feeling lonely, letting the worst of her emotions get to her, continued being human. That's the only thing that kept her alive these days.

The sun was already gone by the time she reached home.

The next day was as the threads had predicted years ago in her dreams - dark, cloudy, overall gloomy. She felt attached to this weather because of the thread swirling around her finger, but also because she loved the scent of rain in the air. She never could get enough of how her loneliness seemed to manifest in scent only.

Just how she had seen so numerous times in her dream, a raven on the branch of a tree caught her attention with his loud cawwing, as he flied away, higher and higher up towards the clouds.

She watched the bird's flight for a good four minutes, before she could hear his footsteps.

"Is everything all right?" A deep voice asked, concern clearly audible in his voice. She turned her head and nodded.

As if suddenly realizing what was happening, her heart beat sped up and pure joy that couldn't be described with  words went right through her very being. But at the same time, she had felt sadness as if never before.

So she stood there, smiling brighter than anyone else, tears streaming down her face as if she was living through two scenarios at the same time, not sure of what to do.

But she needn't do anything, for he had already stopped closer and raised her chin in order to take a good look at the girl, who seemed to be smiling and crying at the same time. She wondered whether he had the same ability as she did, for his gaze went to her little finger for a second, before realization dawned on his face.

"It's so nice to finally meet you." He said after a long silence. She wiped the tears in her eyes, barely noticing that the threads were dissolving right before her eyes.

It meant that her lonely past was over and she could finally start anew.

And this time, she was not alone.