Almost chemical reaction.

I wonder if there's some kind of element present in the universe, which reacts violently when other elements are being poured into it, but yet the other element comes out unharmed or not different at all.

Oh wait, that's a catalyst. Right. Chemical knowledge, you never fail me.

Never.

I am really unhappy about having so many catalysts. At least I think there are many.

There have been two to three songs that have been ghosting around my heart, the most recent being about Bleeding out for someone. Welcome to indie, people. No wonder I am fucked up.

***
And I am utterly tired of watching the backsides of people's heads, because while I am trying to heal, they keep moving on with life and I have nothing else left than to watch them with envy, sending scalding glares towards their backs.

***

Yesterday I once again realized that I was broken. Even before my Catalyst appeared.

Then again, also realized that doing stuff considered as mad brings a smile to my lips, because I love to see the disbelieving looks on their faces, the mad grin that raises to my lips and the happiness in me, caused by the whole absurdity of it all.

And that, I believe, is a good thing.

Smell ya later(as my rival would say),
H.

Sleeping beauty.

She danced in the storm, her white dress flying around wildly as she called for her lover. Her voice was drowned by the wind, but she didn’t care.

Her time had come.

Her snow white hair was flailing around her in a grotesque manner, as if trying to protect her from what was coming.

But it was futile.

The robed figure appeared, right behind her.

She was spun around and he grabbed her hands as they danced across the grass, which was now decaying rapidly at the robed figure’s touch.

Both of them were barefoot, and she smiled sweetly at her one and only, glad to be finally seeing him.

„I can’t do this,“ he whispered, his voice thick with unshed tears. She placed a finger on his deathly pale lips.

“You must.” She left him no mercy. As if regretting her harsh words, she started caressing his cheek.

“I chose this life to be with you. I want us to be happy.” She whispered softly, as he tightened his arms around her. Her loved one looked at her with his pain-filled eyes.

“This isn’t what I would call happiness. Why do you hurt me so?” He accused her, a single tear slipping, betraying his true thoughts.

“To have yet another life time with you again. I love you.” 

She kissed him lightly on the lips and then, Death threw the young lady dressed in white down the cliff, only for her to be reborn like a phoenix once again.

Another public outcry.

FACIT ALL!

WON'T YOU PLEASE FOR ONCE LEAVE ME ALONE?
JUST...I'd like to be normal and healthy not so freaking fucked up and upset about stupid little things.

Why the hell can't I just get used to this feeling of hurt and simply not let myself get influenced by people who will probably stop mattering in my life? People who voluntarily walked out of my life?

People who prefer not to return here?

Can't I simply be healthy and happy and not caring about such petty little things like humans?

WHY DO YOU NEED TRUST IF IT'S TO BE BROKEN ANYWAYS?

WHY?
WHY?
WHY?

I don't want to lose my sanity like that. I don't want to be curious. I don't want to question why, yet I have nothing better to do.

Because Life demands its price in my emotions.
I've been too horrible recently. I shouldn't associate with people at all.

I don't deserve to be sitting here like this, causing grief to the two people that truly always care and worry for me.
Why can't I at least act with them that everything is okay?

The sunlight between toes.

With the sub-titles:

• My mind breaks every now and then
• My tolerance has reached a new low.
• Ohne Dich is alles immer noch doof.(Okay, that's something I just made up. Referring to random Random people, but not the first Random people)

The pros of not having a boyfriend:

1. You don't have to worry about what you eat.

2. You don't have to bother be pretty.

3. Your mind won't explode from all the thinking you do.

4. You are pretty much more sane, because there's no stress to eat you away.

5. You actually have courage to speak your mind.

6. Your opinion of yourself won't hit an all time low.

7. You don't have to worry bout anything.

8. You won't feel disappointed if the other party doesn't try.

So yeah, this out-of-date-blog deserves an update as well. Which means that I just woke up from another dream which sent me hurling through bad moods and low tolerance. I swear I am going to hit someone in the near time if I don't get out of civilization soon.

Alas, I have yet another week or two to manage.

I'm slowly losing my faith in my healthiness, I really feel that I am never going to be alright.

Which is depressing.

The feeling, that there's actually only so little time until you are completely excluded from the life of a person you were supposed to be close with, is also quite depressing.

But for now, I shall find the fun in the fact that I met a person from Singapore. At the hospital. Fun fun fuuun!

 The only reason I started writing this post is the list above and the nice feeling you get, when you have friends over and you eat good food and enjoy each other's company. Although we were lacking two members of our usual gathering.

Today must be a good day,

H.

P.S: Love turns into a battle once I've been declared war on.

Don't puke.

Ego depletion is currently happening. I think I maximized it yesterday. Or the day before yesterday.

So I really should start focusing on something else than making up scenarios in my head, which usually end up with me yelling.

They're unrealistic because I know I am even unable to utter a single word when I cry. Not to mention feeling anger.

I feel like something in my head goes "bweaaak!".

Bleach references make this situation better. Potter references make all situations better.

Perhaps, I am tired of trying.

That doesn't mean that I'll stop of course. It just means that I am going to sit back and watch how we'll build a wall together.

I'm gonna go play Fez.

Blue cat vol.2: There's an orange mouse as well.

Funny how you can find people so similar to you to the point of both buying randomly the same thing, except in different colours.

Funny that those people can mess with your head.

So funny actually, that you are thinking of recreating your character.

And then, in the end, you see people you'd never expect to see and then you go crazy. Of course, not while they are present, but afterwards.

And then, you fuck up your life. Or most probably fuck up your life. Or make a social experiment with humans.

If all goes well, people will become more dear to me.

If not, then it won't be long before I have screwed up all bonds I have made in this life and end up holed up in my room, hating everything.

But at the moment, I don't care. I simply vented my happiness, so if that is such a big crime, then perhaps I shouldn't be this influenced by people anyways.

After all, I will survive. It will be painful, yes, but I will stay.

I always have, after all.

Still: You are dear to me and I wish I had the courage to call you mine.

Why am I even keeping this blog anymore?

You remind me of summer. You make the season more tolerable. I want to see you and hug you and make you realize what you mean to me. Yet, I feel that you deserve better than that and I should leave you alone so that you wouldn't have to suffer by my side.

The Blue Cat

She felt that he was a refreshing sip of water in her dull everyday life.

And that's all for the fluff today.

And onto the more trivial stuff, until I feel that I want to write more fluff, or Potter, or whatever comes to mind.

Oh yeah. Uh...uhm, Right. Self-analysis.

I am a very dishonest person. I don't think I've ever told anyone the whole truth, without omitting any detail that I find important. I always keep something to myself.

It's my logic on how to preserve happiness meant for me. I don't want to talk to people about good stuff that has made me all giddy inside because I feel that it is my personal happiness which is not for sharing.

It's for treasuring it. Like...a looong time. If my memory doesn't fail me. Which it does.

Anyways... I feel that I have to change that dishonesty, starting with myself.
Because I lie to myself a lot. So I'll start there. Then I'll see whether I can start being honest with other people and perhaps(Heaven's forbid) trust people. Yay for trust issues.

And that's it for today's psychoanalysis.

For some reason, I ran out of anime,
H.