Conflicting conversations

After a long three weeks, I am finally able to relax again.

I hadn't even realized I was so tense but today, the outlook on not having to do anything was so great(after I had done my last prelim and another annoying UPT test) that I really couldn't have been bothered to do anything productive.

I fulfilled my mission and I have to say that this is one of the best Fridays I have had lately.

I've been doing a lot of thinking again lately. And once again, I'm going in circles.

All progress I have been making is nullified. I'm not really sure how to feel about it.
It definitely has increased the amount of weird conversations I am having in my head.
Luckily, I am a pessimist. Especially when it comes to myself.

It's funny that sometimes, when writing into that tiny little diary I have, I am sad, because there is no accurate way to describe my day(or I was saving one or another page for some special day or something) and then there are days, where the descriptions are so amazingly accurate that it brings a smile on your face.

It is nice to be hugged back.

It is also nice to find out that I actually have emotions. I've been always scared that people might take me as an emotionless person, partly, because I felt like one and partly, because I really wasn't one to show my emotions(at least when it didn't came to bullying). I'm really grateful knowing that I'll easily burst into tears when reading about an abused Harry Potter and an equally abused Sirius helping each other heal.

I also now know that Mokona is an incredibly nice plushie to hug, especially when your mood changes from content to melancholic.

Note to self: Practice slapping.

I've grown distant, yet I have no problem pouring out my problems to people who have yet to betray my trust.I'm being an extra bitch for pouring out problems that actually are self-made whilst the people listening me out have problems.

I'm of no use to this world.

The whole week I have been debating on whether I am a good person or not. The concept of me being a bad person definitely wins.

I used up all my motivation to study biology. This might turn into a slight problem for I still have stuff to get done with.

I've had numerous ideas what to write down, but I think I won't be starting with that before the winter holidays. And if anything decent happens to be put down in Word, I'll make sure I'll post it here.

I think the good luck hair tie helped. At least I got all my stuff I wanted to do done and perhaps I have a chance of getting a decent amount of points in biology. Which would be an unexpected Christmas blessing.

Who the hell wishes you merry Christmas about 11 days early?

An aspiring writer should write as much as they read...oh well, there goes that plan.

If all goes wrong, I still have plan B.

Why not legalize assassins? I think the country would get a decent sum for the taxes they pay.

Then again, when have I ever come up with a good idea?

Russian Roulette

For once, I discovered something about myself thanks to the meetup with the school psychologist.
I think that's a first.

I can't talk about my problems, because when I start talking about them, I start to cry as well. But when I start crying, I can't talk. I love the simple logic behind this one.

Today I finally could talk about things that have been on my mind for some time, but which I haven't said out loud because I don't necessarily feel like ruining any remnants of something which happened a long time ago.
It wouldn't be beneficial to me and only the other party would get hurt. Or so I'd like to think.

I've also discovered the yin yang in action and this has left me with feelings of gratitude I hope to be able to express today. Something tells me I won't, but in these cases, it's really the thought that matters.

I'm slightly disliking the person I was today and I will try to change that.Just a little bit will help.

I'm probably jinxing it with this sentence, but I think I'm making slow progress and for some reason, this comforts me.

Though I'm going to be seriously upset.(Why did I write that? Oh well)

The thing I want to do the most at the moment is curl up somewhere warm and sleep. I'm emotionally exhausted and I don't think I'm completely done with it for the day, because for a while, the urge to cry has been lingering about. So let's see what Fate has prepared for me, hm?

Also, this post is sort of meant simply to write out some of the feelings or confusion or decisions I have been feeling/have made. And to let you know that I'm still not over my teenage problems.

Monday playlists are fun,
H.

Happiness is like glass.

In the streets of an incredibly grey town, there was a tiny dusty shop.

The shop in itself was not remarkable at all, it got just enough customers to get by, but what was remarkable, was the girl living in the shop window.

Yes.

A girl living in a shop window.

No one noticed her, not even the shop keeper himself, for they were all far too busy with their lives.

The girl felt very saddened because of this. She would spend her days looking at the people, watching them live their lives, longing for one for herself.

She could not leave the shop.

That was the only thing she knew. She didn't know how she had gotten there, she didn't know why she was there, she didn't know why she could not leave the shop.

But something told her, that if she left the shop, something terrible would happen.

So she did not leave the shop. She satisfied her needs at night, when the shop keeper was upstairs, sleeping.

She would walk around the little shop for hours, just observe the trinkets it sold, play with them, find out what they were made for.

Then, after she got tired from playing, she would curl up in her corner in the shop window and sleep, until the town was woken again, clustering with people trying to get to work.

That's how years had passed in her life.

That's how years were going to pass as well.

Except...that one time.

That one time she got noticed.

It was an usual day, perhaps more grey, but that was it really. It was just another day like all the others.

She had just busied her mind with imagining whether she would use a rain coat or an umbrella to deal with the rain(she had already worked the more important matters out as she had had a lot of time already in that world), when she suddenly noticed a small boy standing in front of the shop window.
Assuming that he was focusing on the goods the shop sold, she moved herself slightly so that she wouldn't be in the way. But they boy's eyes followed her movement. She froze.

Could it be?
Had someone finally taken notice of her?

Her heart was about to explode from happiness, but the boy turned his eyes back on the street and walked away.
That was the first time the girl cried.

The next day, he was there again.

This time, the boy stood for a much much longer time. A good half an hour passed before he left.
Although there had been no words exchanged, she somehow knew that he would come back. And it made the girl happy that she was so certain of it.

As predicted, he was there on the next day. Again, no words were exchanged, but the girl find herself growing closer to the boy and she was sure the boy felt the same way. He kept coming every single day, no matter what the weather was like, just to look at her for half an hour, before leaving again.

It continued on for almost half a year. Suddenly, the girl grew tired of her usual nightly plays with the objects of the shop. Her dreams of living a life like a normal person intensified, so when she did not find herself looking forward to the boy's next visit, she dreamt what it was like to be living as one of the acquaintances of the boy.
Perhaps they would be classmates. Perhaps they would be neighbours.
She played through every scenario she could imagine, combining them, weaving together all sorts of fairy tales.

But one morning, the boy did not show up.

At first, she was not worried, she had been expecting it. It was impossible for him to show up every day after all. she had watched people often enough to know that sooner or later, they would break their routine.

Maybe he had gotten bored of her.

The thought of it made her heart ache. But she decided she would wait. She would wait to see whether he returned or not.

She waited for days.

She waiter for months.

She waited for years.

With every passing minute, her desire to leave the shop became stronger. With every passing day her hope to see the boy grew smaller. Yet, she firmly stuck to her decision to wait.

One day, when she was napping, the bell of the shop rang. It was lunch time, a time when the shop never had customers and the sound startled the girl. She tried to peek at the customer, but he had already passed the window, so she could only see his back.

He was tall and lean, but she could tell that he wasn't exactly an adult yet.

"Welcome," the old shopkeeper breathed out. Lately the girl had noticed that his movements had become slower and he seemed weaker by the day. "What can I do for you?"

"I would like to purchase the doll on the windowsill." The young man said and the girl found she had never heard someone more pleasant than him. The shopkeeper adjusted his glasses with his shaky hand.

"Doll?" He questioned and the girl could imagine his face scrunching up in an attempt to remember. "Ah yes, there certainly was a doll. I had almost forgotten."

She could hear shuffling and then the face of the shopkeeper appeared above her. Suddenly, she realized, that she was much much smaller than she had thought. Her heart suddenly began to beat excitedly. What was going on?

The shopkeeper grabbed her gently and raised her up. "I thought they wanted a doll?" She questioned herself. She was brought to the counter and set down.  Forgetting her question, she eagerly observed the face of the customer while the shopkeeper named a sum.

The young man had very dark hair, almost as dark as her own and very pretty blue eyes. The eyes seemed very familiar to her. Very, very familiar.

"Would you like me to pack her?" The old man asked before coughing once. The young man politely decline and she felt herself being raised up again and this time, she was set into the coat pocket of the customer. The two bid each other goodbye and then the customer left outside.

It took her about 3 seconds to realized that this was the first time she had left the shop. She was finally outside! She wanted to laugh and to cry and she suddenly found herself immobilized. No matter what she wanted to do, she couldn't move. The thought scared her, but not as much as should have.

For some reason, it seemed natural.

The young man didn't walk far; the trip took about ten minutes. They arrived at a nice little house with light walls, just like the every other house on the street. Whilst stepping inside, the boy called out that he was back and he was welcomed by an elderly woman.

They talked a little bit and then the boy made his way upstairs until they were finally what she presumed was his room.

She was picked up again and set down on the desk. After taking off his coat, he sat down by the desk and rested his head on his hands, simply staring at her with his blue eyes.

"I finally got you, I'm sorry you had to wait so long." He said and that was when she finally started figuring things out.

She was a doll.How could she have forgotten that? How was that possible? Of course she was a doll. That's why she was in that shop in the first place. She was a pretty doll and she was supposed to make people look at the shop.

And these blue eyes belonged to the little boy who had noticed her so long ago. The boy she wanted to spend time with, the boy whom she could never be with, because she was not human.

But she was here, in his care and that was all she needed.