17:13:33

He watched with interest as the young woman flew over the bar, just barely touching it. But that one touch was enough: the bar started quivering and lost its balance. She gave no sound as she fell on her back, her legs coming down a second afterwards. She was completely motionless and the referee was already giving him the sign. He climbed onto the mat and examined the young woman. Finding no pulse, he checked his watch.

Time of death: 17:13:33.

Cause: Shattered dreams piercing the heart.

He had already known it though. He had seen it from the determination in her eyes, the now-or-never attitude she displayed when preparing for the jump. He didn't know anything about the sport but the way she moved had had a certain grace to it and he had truly thought that the last jump was beautiful.  He caught the eyes of one of his men and nodded at him. The team started moving in an instant and he stepped back, making sure they were picking her up correctly.

The competition wasn't a big one, so the audience was very small. He was sure that they knew as well as he did what had happened and he could already see someone parting from the audience. He prepared himself for the conversation that would follow.

"Is she all right?" The young man asked him the moment he had reached the place.

"Are you someone with close relation to the competitor?" He answered with a question of his own.

"Yes." He could hear the concern in the young man's voice.

"Please follow me." He lead the young man out of the hall, into one of the backrooms where he knew his team would be waiting for him.

"I am afraid that she has passed away." He said sadly. The young man's eyes widened in shock.

"Passed...away?"The young man choked out. He nodded in confirmation.

"Yes. As my duty as an official, I am obliged to ask you a few questions about the victim." He said, moving on to business. It may have seemed harsh, but by now, he was used to seeing people die on a daily basis and he had hardened his heart, to get over with the business first and mourn later. He didn't give the younger male time to think about it, he just started with the protocol.

"Was she aware of the risks?" He started with the most obvious question first.

"Of course she was. But she loved it and her parents supported her decision to keep practicing even after it became her dream." This surprised him a little. He rarely found people whose decision to follow their dream was supported by their closest ones.

 But then again, how could it be otherwise? In this world, where simply having a dream could turn out to be more lethal than going to war, people thought of dreams as a means of suicide, something dangerous and something scary. The reward was high, very high, but the risk was even greater. Just a single doubt could end your life in an instance. One was considered a fool or lunatic for even thinking that they might make it.

"Did she have a certain goal in mind when accepting her dream?" He continued asking.

"I'm not sure. I don't think so though, because she never seemed to be satisfied with her results. I think her aim was to get better and better." The young man's face was unsure but he could nothing else than take his word for it.

"How peculiar. Do you know what might have triggered the Shattering?" The young man's look became sad.

"She was having difficulty with the new height. She had been trying to overcome it for a while now." He understood now. He thanked the young man and gave him the card of a counselor, strongly suggesting to visit him.

When he arrived in the room, his team was already preparing the body. The room had been temporarily turned into a lab and the body was already being scanned by various different machines.

He was lead to the next room, where he found some scrubs. After sanitizing himself he moved back to the previous room, joined by his team, also in the same scrubs he was wearing. He was handed a scalpel and he began the usual routine of cutting out the Dream within the heart.

Several hours later he was sitting in his apartment, twirling the little shape around in his fingers. It was a glass
figurine, twisted and turned in such an artistic way that it could not have been man made. A part of it was broken off, breaking the pattern of colours that were winding and mingling with each other throughout the whole thing. He placed it on a shelf next to the others he had collected so far. The shapes didn't resemble one another, neither did the colours.

They were all unique.

Just like the dreams of their bearers had been.

Just preparing myself mentally for a depressing day

I was happy today,
I didn't plan on being happy.
I've got plenty of reasons that should drag my mood down further.
But it hasn't sunken yet.
So I'll start preparing myself for tomorrow.
It is bound to be a disappointing day.
Especially if I have tried to do my best to be productive.
I have failed at it.
So tomorrow is going to be the low after the high.
I talked about love today.
I ruined the image of it for my imagination.
He wouldn't listen afterwards.
Even if I do honestly think it is a wonderful thing.
I should start thinking.
But honestly, everything is going to go wrong tomorrow, so what's the point of it?

Of identity crises

You're not sure about yourself anymore.
But you hadn't realized it until someone pointed out how you've changed. Pointed out how the past you was like. It comes back to you and suddenly you are painfully aware that something has changed big time. You've constantly changed over the year. You re-decide something every other day. You change your mind a lot and the burden keeps on becoming heavier.
The tears start to prickle in your eyes just because of three statements somebody has made. You try to figure out what is wrong. Where you went wrong. You compare the two of you and you can vaguely tell what is wrong, what has changed.
You plunge deeper into the matter the next morning. Your power source.You used to have something you could draw your strength on, something you occupied your mind with when trouble started growing over your head or something just to pass the time. You have countless of dialogues, scenes and scribblings to prove it as well. But now you don't anymore.
 You've blocked off your source, making it much easier for negative thoughts to invade your mind and much harder to distance yourself from reality. Anyone would wonder why one would do that. It makes no sense.
 If it keeps you happy then why cut it off?
Why keep away from it deliberately?
But you know the answer. Have known ever since you shut it out of your consciousness. You are afraid  of mixing up reality with it. You didn't use to have a problem like that. But now, when everything is possible, you have thrown your power source away because of your fear of getting hurt.
You don't want to get hurt.
Yet, by discarding your very existence, your most precious part of your life, the essence which makes you a hopeless dreamer, you have set yourself a trap.
You're changing. For the worse.
So what will the choice be?
Discarding the 'you' you have grown fond of over the years or let yourself get hurt constantly, because you are too hopeful? There is always a chance that you are only imagining it, changing that is. There is also the chance that you might grow numb enough one day, numb enough to accept that your dreams and hopes might never be fulfilled, that the fairy tail you have weaved together yourself will never get true, yet find the ability to draw happiness from it?
Fictional characters worked that way for you. They're unreachable, yet you don't mind it at all.

Vanity and insanity

Turns out I am too lazy to keep proof of my existence in my right pocket.
Though, if being honest, that little notebook was only the tip of the ice berg.
No matter how much I write, it will still be only a fraction of what I think/feel.
It is amazing how much you can think through with very little time.
15 minutes in the bus and my head is full of questions.
How can it be that I need four meters for two steps?
Is feeling uncomfortable a must when the word fancy is involved?
At least the weekend will be peaceful...depending on how bored people are.
Error. Brain 404 not found. Please try again later.
The taste of painkillers?!?!?!
Hoping for something is extremely ridiculous.
You'll be disappointed when it happens.
You'll still be disappointed half an hour later.
You start being reasonable and telling yourself it is your own fault for hoping in the first place.
But you'll still feel bad about it.
Then you decide that hoping is stupid and you should not do it again.
Fat chance of that happening though.
In the end, you get distracted by other stuff, sleep on it a little and realise that nothing was wrong in the first place.
I should cool my head before making decisions.
I shouldn't reflect on stuff that much.
But I should reflect more on my own behaviour.
German class is an exception though. Even if the teacher gives me the strangest looks.
It's not my fault they had a part for the dog as well.
It might be my fault that I decided that I had to die in the middle of the discussion though.
It doesn't matter where I am, there's always a person who is able to solve the rubik's cube.
People really like to disturb my thinking progress.
Do I even want people to know what I am thinking?
Or do I want to know what is going on in their heads?
What kind of person am I in their opinion?
And I'm not talking about strangers.
Nobody cares about strangers.
I like to make things more dramatic for no reason.
I love especially overdramatic behaviour.
I'm not sure how often it is portrayed as part of my character though.
Then again, I have no clue about what exactly my character is like in general.
I never thought I could find a German song with an accent funny.
Eurovision has proven me wrong.

There's a fine line between love and hate,
H.

I have the mentality of a 13 year old

I am happy.
I wasn't that happy in the morning.
I have a rubics cube.
I also have a knife now.
People know how to draw.
And paint.
I almost forgot that I was the "Demon Bunny".
There were several inspiring pictures.
And they were pretty as well.
I had a weird dream on Saturday.
It made me do stuff I maybe wouldn't have done.
Well, if it does turn out like it did in the dream...
...nobody can blame me for not trying.
Maybe I should act a little bit more on my impulses.
Or maybe I shouldn't act on them at all.
The score is 1:1.
It's been a while since I've seen red.
And I exchanged the blue for black as well.
I should probably write a letter.

Ninja technique: Poke the hell out of you jutsu,
H.

Hallo Sonnenshein

I enjoyed this afternoon.
The movies weren't as sappy as I expected them to be.
I don't have a rubics cube.
I was going to be productive today.
Still am actually.
But I am procrastinating.
Am I shutting you out or do we just happen to walk past each other without noticing it?
Am I overthinking?
I am married by default now.
Or well was until I found a logic to counter it.
I still feel that Wednesday is going to be a catastrophe though.
I should really finish that invitation.
I want to go on the art school event, but it's on Monday.
I've got lots of stuff on Monday.
I discovered a new like for knives.
Or the tricks you can do with one knife.
My hands aren't too happy about it though.
I started thinking about a scenario.
The outcome was not that good.
The scenario in general was not the best.
Hug deprivation?
I'm tired.
I like swings.
I wish I could have afternoons like this more often.
And with other people as well.
It's been ages since I last slept this well.
One of my dreams had a ferret in it.
I now want a ferret.
During this school year I have never once thought of wanting summer vacation.
I managed to get nostalgic again at some point.
Practice is going well.
I've got a competition coming up as well.
Another thing I may be able to tick off from my to do list.

Back to being productive,
H.

Eternity

Going home feels like an eternity. You are in no rush and no one tries to make you think otherwise either. So you walk down the street, amazed how a light grey sky can make the rest of the world so dark. You know that your trip is going to last half an hour at least. Half an hour is a long time. Enough time to think things through. You think trivial thoughts, like how much you have to study for the next day and afterwards how to procrastinate it for as long as possible. You make several small decisions that have been waiting for some time. You wish for rain. All these thoughts take up a different amount of time. But whether they are long or short, it doesn’t matter.

 You arrive at the bus stop and discover that the bus comes ten minutes later than you expected. More time to think. And then, your wishes are granted as the small raindrops start making their way down to the ground. You step out of the shelter and let the rain fall, taking in the scent and coolness it brings. You start thinking again, when one of your sappiest love songs starts playing. The rain has gathered strength and the raindrops aren’t small anymore, they have grown and fall at a slight angle because there is also a wind picking up. You let yourself get more drenched and start imagining all kinds of things in your head. The story you create is filled with clichés, but you don’t mind because this time, the main character is you. Lighting joins the rain and you still refuse to get out of the rain. You are the only one standing out there; everyone else is sheltered or searching for some place away from the rain. Chills are slowly running down your back and the Goosebumps start. And then, a minute before the bus arrives, a thought strikes you.

 What is your soul mate doing at the moment? Is he sitting somewhere indoors, grumbling about the rain? Or is he also somewhere out there, running with all his might while shouting with glee? You find this idea intriguing but the bus arrives so you momentarily accept the presence of reality. But once you are in the bus and seated, watching the rain, your thought continues.

 There is said to be a soul mate for others. Recalling a process of though from a book you read recently, you start pondering whether this person who you belong with is your complete opposite. After all, you are supposed to complete each other, so wouldn't it be logical if he was nothing like you? You can’t seem to be figuring out how that works and you are reminded that you can be very controversial. The next thought strikes you. 

He might be the same as you after all. Also filled with paradoxes, only of a different kind.  You sometimes long to be the cold and calculated person, sometimes you seek out the daydreamer in you, but in truth, you are neither of them. He might be the same, only that he might search for something different. Not exactly calculative and not a daydreamer either. Maybe he longs to be someone in between. Or both of you might be searching for the same things as you are. 

The bus ride ends and you make your way home, making sure to go through all the puddles because home is barely two minutes away and you want to take the last of this rain before returning to the usual everyday life. You get inside, make some small talk with your mother and change your clothes. Warmth slowly seeps into you but you still do not wish to study. So you sit behind the computer, recalling what you thought about. It seems interesting enough, so you start writing. 

You start writing how going home feels like an eternity. 

Zero to Zero again, with a slightly red undertone*

I'm still waiting for a letter.
I've been lately reminded of my plot bunnies.
They were mostly Death related.
I got two new plot bunnies today.
Combining them and adding a previous idea as well is not something I am going to do though.
Although I did consider it.
Why do you ask when you don't even bother to try it?
Twisted dreams are oh so lovely.
Am I overtired again? Or are the walls back up and properly functioning?
Platon's "Feast" reminded me of why I like Greek mythology.
I might take a slight interest in rubics cubes(?).
I'm still not sure what a shallow conversation is.
I am also uncertain whether I am a shallow person or not.
It's contagious!
Being Gajeel's cat would be really awesome.
I am actually quite similar to that Dragon Slayer.
It seems that most of the clothes that were covered in memories of my happiest years are slowly disappearing.
The horror.
I am still in the need of white paint.
I've killed one of my four cravings.
Two of them are cravings I will probably never get rid off.
A fanfic about Ron being the timetraveller is something new.

I still haven't got any tea(but at least I am not feeling sickly),
H.

Edit: I forgot to mention it, but I think I'm sticking with this way of posting my shenanigans etc. Meaning if there is a sentence or thought that makes you curious, go ahead and ask.

You are my seal

The score was 1:0 with Blue in the lead. I didn't manage to stay completely neutral for a week. Oh well.
I had a peak of creativity yesterday.
The clouds remind me of cotton candy.
I still have some homework to do.
I haven't got the glue to do it.
My mind is going places again.
My imagination is getting out of hand.
I think I managed to take down a mental brake I had put on myself.
Construction men scare my brother.
I am bound to get a cold if I continue doing whatever I am doing.
It is curious that sleeping is not the same on weekends anymore. It involves much more aching now.
Ma näen Lulusid( a pun no one will get.)
I'm going to sue Kubo Tite if they kill old man Yamamoto.
There is lots of amazing stuff one can do in anime.
If I'm not there, I can't be hurt, right?
Where are the Earl Grey and instant noodles?
(Kuningas on neljas.)
Four sounds like Death in both chinese and japanese.
That awkward moment when the first lyrics of a song are very sappy and when you decide at one point to listen to the whole song, it is full of that sappiness you do not want to hear about at all.
Luckily, it is japanese.
Unluckily, I know what the lyrics mean.
Why did I want those songs again?
Oh right, they're not getting out of my head.
If I should ever look for my existence and check my right pocket, remind me not to take song lyrics too seriously.
I still haven't burned my diary. Now where were those matches again?
I made up my mind again. Let's see how long I'll last this time.
Weekends calm me. I wish they were longer.
If I am generally in a happier mood, I get less hurt.
A nostalgic scent was in the air today.
I'm not sure whether I want to go school tomorrow.
Don't have much of a choice though.
Sometimes I'd like to just smile sweetly and stab people with a knife. Or hurtful words.
I'm bad at hurtful words.
And smiling sweetly does sadly not work through MSN.
I was so sure I would be able to pull off Chiaki but in the end I didn't, simply because I forgot.
Ace all the German tests!
Since that seems to be the only thing that I actually am good at. If we ignore capitalization.
It is curious to feel cheery from time to time.
It is about time I started playing Civilization 3 again.

Kõht on tühi, meel on kurb,
H.


 

Pantherlily

  I figured I could start watching anime but then I got distracted again. So I shall write this post and when I finish it, I shall continue and find out how tragic the fate of Pantherlily is. That big cat is just awesome. And whatever abusive relationship he is going to have with Gajeel. Because Gajeel suddenly turned all Kenpachi on us. Which reminds me that Bleach isn't licensed anymore. I can finally read manga in peace again. Meaning several months  worth of manga. This weekend is going to busy. Liar Game anyone?
  Today I have been awfully overtired. Meaning I was also quite numb. So the score is Zero to Zero.And when I think about it, it has been Zero to Zero since Saturday. I wonder if I can last a whole week like that? Stupid ideas like that just keep on coming into my mind.
  Concerning the topic of numbness, today is not the only day I have experienced numbness. I find it incredibly moving that on my birthday I find out that on the last year of art school one dear friend of mine gossiped a lot about me. Not that what she was saying was wrong. As we have established already, I am quite childish and naivé. But I find it just amazing that I find out about it a year later or so. Though it is probably better that way because we have grown apart and if I'd found out same time last year, I would have been quite hurt. Oh well. So much for that.
  I had another topic revolving around etiquette lessons, but obviously forgot what I wanted to say. So I shall just inform you that Uve approves of hugs and polygamy. The last one being the thing I wanted to talk about. Sort of. Briefly. Meaning, I'd feel sorry for the guy who'd actually try to get me into a polygamy. I'm way too much of a jealous person for that. Oh well.
 
MSN conversations can be distracting,
H.
 

Basically I have ideas but I'm lazy and married to gaming and anime, a nolifers polygamy

   I am all Sunshine and rainbows again. I got up an hour later than I planned to, but I didn't mind it. Wouldn't be the first time when my planning goes down the drain.If it had gone all according to plan, I wouldn't study for chemistry right now nor would I think about what to write to my Physics teacher. And my to-do lists would have physical forms. Oh well.
   Either I have just been with too busy with my own thoughts or it really appears that now suddenly, a bunch of authors and poets appear? Not to mention that I actually figured that it would be time to brush up on my writing skills for it seems like ages since I last wrote something(though it probably has been no more than two weeks if we don't count the scene writing I did for the German project), But I did write something indeed, although it means that I have now more stuff to look over and fix. Though I am rather pleased with the last part so I shall just keep on busying myself with shaping a proper dialogue and sentences that should go together with it. And I managed to write down two scenes, one being thought up completely on the spot and the other one just being a challenge of not referring to anyone in particular, for two stories, plot bunnies or whatever you may call it, which I haven't dealt with for a long time. And I wrote six words for that one story in estonian, to keep my editor happy(whom I required by chance, really). He was not exactly pleased, because those words did not reveal anything of importance. How I love annoying people like that.
   I have a hole in the wall of my room. I have no idea how it got there and I have no idea why I haven't asked my parents about it yet. But fact is, the room is cooler in the evening when I am about to fall asleep. I'm not sure whether it is a positive or a negative fact. But the hole is there, with all of its curious queerness.
  I sort of promised to talk about my theory on paradoxes and parallel universes. It has actually shot down by my father already(or was it the theory about how red things aren't actually red, because we can't know which colour they are when we only see the red light reflecting back from them?) but doesn't matter. I still like it. I am now giving you a brief description about the lovely event that made me even consider this theory. The oh so rare dinnertime, where actually all of the family was present. Our topic? Caesar's sexuality. And my brother and I got into this lovely discussion whom enlightened whom on this topic. Because we both knew that Caesar was bi, but guess who we heard it from? Yes indeed, I am sure he was the one who had told me, while he is convinced of the opposite. And this is not the first time things like this have happened. So we can either write it off to our horrible memory or come up with a more curious explanation. Because I had taken it into my head that paradoxes like that are created because of parallel universes. Imagine if we would actually switch universes occasionally without noticing it? And then we end up in a universe, where everything in general is the same, except those little incidents like mentioned above. It just happened differently in that world. Yeah, I haven't considered science playing its part in this at all. See if I care.
   I actually got motivated enough to write down those to-do lists. Now I shall try to motivate myself to study some Chemistry and submit that explanation why static electricity and hair is exactly the right research topic for me.

the score is zero to zero(I'm not surprised, really),
H.

The number of my locker was 69

So after an exhausting week, I am back again to lazing around and procrastinating my homework. Meaning I probably won't do it at all. The Germans brought a sense of vacation with them. No wonder I am so demotivated to pay attention or even bother with school. Maybe it'll get better with the weekend...Never mind that last sentence.
I'd go on and on about how much I'd like to sleep or how little sleep I have had but it doesn't matter anyways. So I'll move on with the topic on how sad I am that the Germans left. Or well I haven't actually realised it yet, but the fact that I keep on looking for them as if I could find them at any moment on the streets has led me to think that I am a tad too used to them already. But they were awesome people so I look forward to seeing them again in the summer. And I will definitely keep contact with them.
Continuing on the topic of Germans, I enjoyed the time we spent on sending away the Germans. Although we quickly dissolved into two groups: the Estonians and the Germans. That was kind of sad and I felt worried about it several times, but they managed to entertain themselves by simply watching how we laugh and wondering what the hell we were talking about. It's been a while since I have laughed so hard for the most pointless reasons.
The weather is rather nice right now. It would be awesome if those quaint looking clouds actually were rain clouds and a down pour would occur, but I am afraid, they do not look as if they are in the mood for a down pour. Can't keep me from dreaming though.
On the topic of dreams, I can remember my dreams more clearly now(there was a period where I couldn't remember them at all unless I was reminded by something). It would be a happy occasion, if the dreams wouldn't keep on getting weirder. It is probably the third time that my dream has taken place at practice.
Thanks to the Germans, I missed out on practice for a week and I can already feel it. How curious, that just a mere 7 days can change so much.And I was starting to improve too...
Summer is coming. It hit me like a brick about six o'clock in the morning with a glass of orange juice and sunshine. It only intensified the feeling of vacation. But summer also means allergy season. Or well my brother claims that the allergies will kick in soon enough. I have no idea about it though, for I have never been affected that much by my allergy. The only thing that might start bothering me is the runny nose and maybe the itchy eyes. We can only wait and see.
Lately I have been getting very stupid ideas, which I immediately tend to start using. The one involving the notebook hasn't been that effective, except for the fact that I now carry a notebook with me and actually note things down(ideas for this very blog for example). But the reason why I started carrying it in the first place has been dumped into the background, because I like monologues. To make it even better, those monologues are short. So I will stick to this idea for a while and then consider whether I actually like it or not.
Moving on to more Random topics, I shall discuss the curiousness of surprises. Or well my controversial feelings about it. I am not sure whether I dislike them or not, because the feeling of surprise isn't necessarily bad. There are positive surprises and not so positive surprises. Positive surprises are for example, those I experience when receiving the simplest gestures and realizing that people can actually be nice to me. Not so positive surprises are well...when people have told me about the surprise existing and then feed me lies about the surprise, leaving only the worst ideas possible in my head.Not to mention when I discover something that should have been done eons ago, but hasn't been done at all. And this is really confusing, for it depends on my mood when one wants to know my opinion on surprises. Because sometimes I hate them and sometimes I don't. They do change the routine of everyday life after all.
There are now two more topics I'd like to mention, but I think I'll go with only one for now. Meaning I shall mention how awfully entertaining the etiquette lessons are. Our teacher is really something else. But the topic on how there are three different roles arose. I am not sure what those roles were about, but the roles were called the child(being simple and submissive), the adult(being reasonable, neutral) and the parent(the one who dominates the child so to say). And our teacher went on saying how people usually tend to take the parent role, to make things easier for themselves. After all, even if there are two parent roles there, one of them ends up submitting to the other, thus becoming the child. But I do exactly the opposite. I take the role of the child, until I find it necessary to switch it for the parent role. Or at least that is what I think. After all, the child tends to rebel against the parent, but not the adult. So I just might be closed off in my own illusion. I  have horrible observation skills after all.

The next post shall be about my theory on parallel universes and paradoxes,
H.

P.S: The score is still 2 to 1 with Red in the lead.