On my way home, there was no thunder.

Ima wa sekai ga watashi wa kirai.

Ima no boku wa watashi wa daikirai.

I dislike everything about negative emotions and problems based on them. They rile you up, put more volume to them and give you serious breathing problems including a head ache with it.

I want to throw up.

I hate the fact that I can't even mention those problems, because society has made me grow into a person who does not talk about these things. Or if, then always round the corner.

I hate the fact that no one will ever truly know what was going or what wasn't going through my head my whole life.

I hate the fact that I can't get over these petty problems. That analyzing them in a "calm" manner gets me even more riled up, because I feel that every time I get mad, I can't treat myself as a human.

I want to get out of here. Abroad. Anywhere, where I don't have any people I know to face. It'll be sad without the people whom I like and care for, but it would be so much easier to get rid of every emotion ever felt associated with a person, start in a new country with a blank page.

Evenings like this make me feel that there's two people inside me: The somewhat mad something thing, who actually likes to draw stripes on her face with a lipstick and the rather destructively mad person, who really tries their best to make sure that I am miserable. Neither of them deserve to be in each other's company.

I hate the way I keep blaming the society for things, but I really can't seem to figure out who else came up with the idea that everything remotely negative inside me must be suppressed, without ever giving up the hope that if I let something shine through, then maybe someone will notice.

I hate the way that my head is complicated apparently, cause all problems are so easy to solve and I'm supposed to feel the emotion without being it.

I hate being called an ego.

I hate being separated from myself, with someone simply dictating, that the ego is a sickness, thinking is a sickness, everything I am and live for is a sickness.

Because what is not important is your love for the people you've grown to love, but the amount of strangers you love. You gotta love everybody.

Nobody cares that you don't have enough love for that. Morals. Never trust em.

If my mind were a spine, then I'd really like to bend it to the point where it'll break. Just to see what happens.

H.

Musicless.

With a total amount of two balls and a New Year celebration, I feel that I might've crossed my limit of social interaction. Not the individual kind, but the, there are loads of people kind.

I honestly feel that I don't want to go anywhere for a long time.

I wonder if it's because I've stopped trying so hard in my life, which means that I am attempting to get along less and less with people I don't know.

I've also become quieter...it's like I do everything, yet when I need to talk about something, nothing comes to mind. Mainly since I haven't watched any kind of movies or anime or anything.

Nor read. I've just been...everywhere else. Which is more eventful and everything, but I have nothing to talk about.

Weird.

I feel like I've lost sight of the self I was before, my behavior and responses change more and more. Although I've been trying to go for the better, I have no idea what's happening.

I don't have trust issues anymore, I think. It's more of the question on which topics I am comfortable to talk about.

I read a lot. The whole Hunger Games series. Funny I actually did what a finnish fangirl told me to.

But now, I don't know whether it's the history lessons lately or myself going somewhat haywire, I feel for the whole series a bit more, take it in more seriously.

It's like growing up.

I really don't what that, mainly because I have no idea what that'll turn me into.

I wonder how the seventh grade me would feel like now.As arbitrary as the number seems, it's actually not.

I need something of a fresh start.

Should put that good thought down as well.

I know it's meant to be in a jar, but honestly, I have way too many pretty notebooks, which I should use.
I can always cut the descriptions out and put them then into a jar, ay?

H.