Boom

My creativity finds all sorts of awesome crooks and nooks where to hide in.

I mean heck, an anime music video? Not the first time I have thought about it, but this time, I'm actually considering making one.

I feel sort of sad that I haven't written anything lately, cause the lovey-dovey feeling from anime keeps popping up every time I watch something I haven't seen for a long time.

I watched Fruits Basket today. The randomness inside it reflects very well the behavior I have at the moment.

Like...I can see where my (at least for me) affectionate gestures come from. Help me, right?

It's really amusing to watch though. And now I want to ship again. Should get into good anime business.

I also thought of a song I want to listen to now.

Exams are hard. University is hard. But I'll struggle through. Cause I'm stubborn like that.

I also have the hope that now while I'm actually used to university, I'll actually start studying properly.

But until then, I shall enjoy the relaxed attitude of myself. It ought to bring me death and destruction, but math luckily isn't that hard. And I only need to fix up my grades(mostly), not actually acquire them.

But I hope tomorrow will be productive. So until then, I shall have fun!

My rhinuchild, Sunshine

I have this child, Sunshine.

He's really energetic and likes to climb alot, although he's a stuffed animal. I got him from my very own Rhinu, who said that Sunny was so happy and had eyes that reminded him of me.

We love our Sunny very much.

I take him everywhere with him and every time I go meet up with Silver and take Sunny along, him interacting with Sunny fills my heart with this big warmth that wants to explode like a balloon, but doesn't do it, it just keeps being there. It's a real nice feeling.

I love my Sunny very much, but I am not a good mother to him, because I do not interact with him that much, and I occasionally forget to put him with his friends, so he wouldn't be bored while I have to do my learning and stuff. Also, my lectures are most likely not that interesting to him.

But I am trying to fix that. Because I love him that much. And try to cuddle him in his sleep everyday, so he would safe and warm.

I think he loves me back :) And that is the best feeling in the world.

Of shards.

There's crying and then there's crying.

The first one is rather simple - your throat closes up, tears well in your eyes and basically you let it all out in several dozens of tears and some quiet sobbing.

 Breathing is a little of an uneven thing and well, talking is out of the option, but really, you can live through it by not thinking about things.

The second one - it lasts for hours. You're like a bomb, waiting for somebody to pull the wrong wire and if they do, you start choking on your own breath.
Because your breathing is so messed up that you switch from 3 breaths per second to one breath per half a minute through half a second.

It really gets to you once you get what I mean. Basically, you inhale and exhale as if you would like to shout, but only a small guffaw escapes your lips.

When you're overheard of course.

When unheard, all hell breaks loose. You crying become into a shouting match with yourself. The breath is as erratic as described above and all you can do is to clutch on to the thing you are holding and hope it'll pass. And then it does. Only to return by the next wire pull.

Anything works. As long as it is negative, it will send you in a five minute fit of being unable to do anything but sob and breathe and hope it will pass.

And there's nothing to make you feel better until it hasn't passed.

Nightstalkers

Let me tell you about Nightstalkers.

They're a curious kind of people, who are restless. Restless souls.

In a way, we all are Nightstalkers. But full-fledged Nightstalkers can't go by a night without going under the open sky and wandering.

Some wander for a few minutes. Some all night long.

Searching. For that one thing we're all searching.

Death Lane.

It's not as if we're searching for it consciously. We're just awfully drawn to it.

As I said before, Nightstalkers are awfully curious. I wouldn't call myself one, but I do enjoy getting out.

Because occasionally, when I'm careful, it stops.

Everything stops. Even the warm wind takes a break and the world is stopping for a single instance.

That's when you know you've reached Death Lane.

But as soon as that thought reached my mind(or perhaps it had been there all the time for I doubt that even thoughts could move in Death Lane), the world started moving again.

And Death had completely slipped my mind.

Releasing the system.

In small village going by the name of Darkyr, there lived a girl.

A girl nicknamed Vicious.

Everyone avoided her, because they thought her smile looked scary for she had very pointy teeth.

They said she had a vicious smile. That was why she was nicknamed Vicious after all, said the smarter girls and boys whilst nodding their heads.

But really, it wasn't quite so.

They never recognized her smile for what it was - a gentle one.

It wasn't her fault she was born with pointy teeth. She spent hours looking into the river, trying to smile in a way that people would interpret as kind and caring, but all the people ever saw was her teeth.

It was sad, really.

And I'm not in the mood, to change it to what it was supposed to be - to change it into something beautiful.

Horare

It was a calm and quiet afternoon, with the sun shining and rare breezes of wind passing the lonely hills of the Palace.

Chiaki was in what her Master had dubbed as "thinking", ever since he had ordered her to do so, in hopes of her attaining human emotions. But of course, the pale golem couldn't know that without understanding her Masters emotions towards her. 

So she sat there, rigidly, without moving a limb, staring at the pond, the surface clear and untouched. It acted as a mirror and reflected the light of the sun back into the sky.

Humans, she supposed, were not that different from golems, she mused. She had noticed this something in them, a something she could not name otherwise as Horare - the Eternal Flame of Golems, the Flame of Life.

It was what kept golems going. The scroll gave them their purpose. The flame gave them their ability to fulfill it.

And humans, yes humans were in that perspective the same as golems.

They had an inner Fire, which drived them on. A Fire, which was as easily extinguished as a golem's Horare, once you knew how to look for it.

And in her Master, she knew, the Flame was burning with extreme intensity.

Since Chiaki did not fear or hope, she only stated to herself that if it kept burning on with the same intensity, there would be many trying to extinguish it.

Unknowingly to her, there was a slight jab of anxiousness slowly forming in her chest. "Thinking" was working as the Second Prince had calculated, though at a much slower pace than he would have preferred. 

Rändaja.

A nice title, fitting for someone who flits around in different social groups daily.

Traveller.

Flowers of Algernon.

Gotta write that letter.

Anywho. Today, I think I was off the glue. No, I am not an addict. But I felt off. First off, I fell asleep in class. A miracle of its own.

Secondly, I had no strength to do practice after doing to full speed dashes. That was simply sad.

And then I got agitated over the most childish thing ever, a visit to the cinema. And when someone Random pointed out I could have incited them as well and upon hearing my explanation decided that assumptions were bad things. Which didn't lift my mood really. I agree with the idea, but I at that point was completely incapable of saying something that didn't sound like picking a fight to me.

But I restrained myself.

It also dawned to me that whilst I am pleased with my new point of view of trying to be happy, I am not satisfied with my opinion of bad moments. Because disliking them isn't making it easier to tolerate them.

So I'll try to change that some day. But for now, I still have to write that letter.

Ich übe Stille,
H.